Wishin' on a Star.

I saw a shooting star last night and for the first time in my entire life, I wished for money. I always swore I'd never be one of those people obsessed with making it, having it, spending it, or worshipping it but the one thing I know (right now) is that I'm miserable without it. Why does it have to be so stressful?

My roommate is moving out on Saturday so I've been spending the past two weeks trying to find a new roommate...the problem is...that the people who own the house I'm living in haven't been paying the mortgage and now the house is in forclosure. I can't move someone in knowing that we'll probably have to move out within the next couple of months. I'm trying to figure out if I should even pay my rent on March 1st. Isn't part of my rental agreement that I pay my rent every month (on time) based on good faith that the home owner is responsibly paying the mortgage which, in turn, provides me with a stable living environment?

The NOD (Notice of Default) was filed February 18th and it will probably be a month or two before it goes to auction. Once the house is sold I know they have to give me 60 days notice to vacate the premise but should I stay that long or should I move? I don't want to move. It's expensive to move and I drive a Beetle convertible...there's no way I could fit my California king bed, sectional sofa, TV cabinet, chest of drawers and loads of other crap in my teeny tiny car. This means I'd have to hire someone to help me move. Where does that money come from? My property management company won't give me my deposit back if I break my lease and move out early. I gave them a $1500 deposit...I need that back.

So that's one of my problems right now.

Then there was the botched lasik eye surgery debacle...my parents flew to San Francisco and while they were in Northern California I got my mom an appointment to have lasik done with the same doctor who did mine. They were only going to charge her $1,000 for both eyes. Great deal. The problem was that they were only able to do one of her eyes because she had a soft cornea in her other eye...but they didn't discover her bum eye until after they had cut into it. So basically, only one of her eyes is done which means she has to fly back out here in May to get the other one fixed after it heals. To make a long story short...it hasn't been the great experience I was hoping it would be for her. And let me make this clear: It wasn't the doctor's fault. There was no way they could have predicted that she had a soft cornea prior to cutting into her eye. That being said, I feel partly responsible for the discomfort she experienced while she was supposed to be on vacation. We spent the whole time they were on vacation going to and from the doctor's office, Lens Crafters, back to the doctor's office, back to Lens Crafters...we did this for three full days.

I came back to Sacramento this past Monday and started a second job. I work with a group of at-risk high school students in the afternoons and we're doing a program called the California Voices initiative. My students have to make a 4-6 minute documentary about a hero in their community so of course, they want to do their project on Kevin Johnson (the Mayor). This is turning into a very time-consuming second job. I have no idea how to use Movie Maker and all of the other video editing software so I've spent over 20 hours trying to get caught up. The good news is that I've been pulling every string I can to secure some time with KJ because if my kids are doing a project...they're going to do THE BEST project. What's so cool about the documentaries is that coming up in May, we're goign to have a big screening at The Crest Theater to show all of the projects.

And finally, I'm going to leave you with a picture of Moxie taking a bath recently...it makes me smile...and yes, I was in the tub with my dog. Is that weird?

Oh yeah and I decided to enter my screen play in two different contests. It's a longshot to win because they are both international competitions...but I paid a little extra to get judge's feedback. If I understand everything correctly, the judge's will take extra time to hand-write me notes about how I can make it better.

False alarm.

I normally wouldn't let a stupid holiday like Valentine's Day get to me but I have to say, this year was particularly difficult to get through. It all started yesterday when one of the guys I do the morning show Valentine's Day present. He needed me to go because he doesn't have a license or a car (btw - he's 30 years old) and if I didn't take him then his fiance would have to drive him to the store...and that wouldn't be very romantic. So I went over around 7:00 and took him shopping. We spent two hours picking out a necklace, some bath stuff, two sets of pajamas, her favorite candy and a card. How awful!

When we got back to their house, I made a really stupid decision. I decided, for some odd reason, that as a 27-year-old woman I should try hallucinagenic mushrooms (also known as shrooms) for the first time in my entire life. So I ate one...a stem and a cap...nothing happened. I even put it in between two Eggo mini's and made a little waffle shroom sandwich out of it to make sure I chewed it up really well. I didn't feel anything and I was too scared to eat another one. It was Friday the 13th...stranger things have happened...and at least now I can say I tried it one time.

And I don't know if was the shroom or the fact that I was dead tired, but I got THE best night's sleep last night. I passed out at 11:30 and woke up at 10:00 this morning on top of the 3 hour nap I took when I got home from work Friday afternoon!

Then I woke up this morning and decided to let my dogs out into the front yard because all of the rain over the past couple of days flooded the back. As soon as I opened the door I saw a big box from Flowers Direct. I got all excited. Who could they be from? My mind was racing just thinking about it. I picked them up and carried the box inside and just as I was about to tear into it...whoops...I noticed they weren't for me. False alarm. My roommate got two dozen beautiful roses from some guy she met on the internet who lives on the east coast. Well, good for her.

Then I went to work. I know I've been bitching about it on here since I found out I was scheduled...so yeah...work sucked. It was a bunch of people wanting to give "shout outs" to their significant others. I did get one dinner invitation from a guy named Ricky. I said no. The rule in radio is not to date listeners. Listeners who call radio stations trying to hit on the dj's are usually pretty creepy.

Anyways, I'm home now and it just occured to me that my parents didn't even call today! It's 8:00 at night and I'm home with my dogs. So happy Valentine's Day to all of you who worked today, or did drugs last night or had a false alarm this morning. All I have to say is, thank God it's almost over!!!

Flo Rida in the hizzle.

No one told me beforehand, that Flo Rida was coming in yesterday...and I have nothing substantial to base this on except my own intuition, but I suspect it was done on purpose. That's how chicks in radio are. Every other female that I work with came in all dolled-up which should have been the first clue that there was something I was unaware of...something I was missing. And when I casually mentioned: "Oh, I didn't know he was coming in today" our promotions director (who should have told me) pretended like she didn't hear the comment I had just made...and I was standing right beside her when I said it. If it legitimately had been a mistake, wouldn't she have apologized? That's what I would have done if I had legitimately forgotten to tell someone something that he/she should have known prior to it actually happening. Again, sometimes I get the feeling that radio chicks just like to hate on each other for no reason. I felt stupid. I was unprepared for the interview and my partner had to carry most of the dialogue...but whatever.

In other news, our studios are right down the street from the Arden Fair Mall so I drive past it on my way home everyday. There's a movie theater at the mall playing "He's Just Not That Into You" but I guess they couldn't fit the whole title on the marquee so it reads HE'S NOT INTO YOU. Damn, that's a harsher way of putting it. I got a good laugh out of the sign and I'm going to try to take a picture of it on my way home today so I can post it on here.

Other than that, there isn't much else to report. I have to work tomorrow (Valentine's Day) but I'm off on Monday. At least I'll have a reason to get out of the house for a couple of hours. I've got a lot to do before my parents get here on Wednesday.

I need a drink.

I'm sitting on my ass watching the Carolina / Duke basketball game right now. It's reminding me of when I was a student at UNC. College feels like it was so long ago. It took me five years to finish my degree in economics...good thing I stuck it out...it sure comes in handy when I'm surfing http://www.perezhilton.com/ every morning at work (insert sarcasm here). Although, my time in college is what lead me to a life in California so I guess it wasn't all bad. My problem was that I couldn't stay focused. I had just finished 13 years of school...I had graduated from high school with a 4.75 GPA and a Salutatorian title to go along with it. I got straight A's most of my way through school and by the time college rolled around, I just didn't feel like doing any more homework, projects, papers or presentations. But it was important to my family so I went through the motions...

Anyways, I'm 27 now and I'm hoping someday I'll understand why I wrote a 30 page analysis about hyperinflation in Zimbabwe.

If you've read the other posts I've put on here then you may remember when I was telling you about my dad's idea for me to move home and start a business with him...a coffee shop, to be more specific. Well now he's changed his mind and he's thinking that a Chic-fil-a would be more profitable. He's probably right, but the thought of quitting my exciting radio job to go home and run a fast food restaurant...hmmmm...I don't know about that. I'm still in the pro's vs. con's stage of the decision making process. The question I keep coming back to is: at what point do my long-term goals of financial stability and family involvement begin to outweigh the "fun" of being on the radio? And if it's already begun, when do I walk away from my life here to pursue the other things I aspire to have in my life? I'm not going to lie...I want to make money. I want to make real money. Radio is NOT the path to financial wealth. It is only lucrative for a select few...a common misconception among those who think we get paid a lot. We don't; especially now that the radio game has changed and talent is regarded as less and less important. The music is the star of any radio station...the people who talk are becoming more and more useless. In fact, I'm not convinced that someday there might not even be DJ's on radio stations. Everywhere I look there's more syndication, voice-tracking and out of market programming.

I've been making myself crazy over this decision.

Oh and to top it off, I just found that I've been scheduled to work an air shift on Saturday from 2 until 6 - Valentine's Day - yay. I hope this doesn't come-off sounding completely arrogant and ego-maniacal (is that even a word?) but I do mornings AND middays Monday through Friday. I'm on the air from 5:30 in the morning until 2:00 in the afternoon...and I don't get paid a dime for doing my 10-2 midday show. I didn't even get a bonus for having the #1 rated midday show in all of Sacramento. If you listen to almost any other radio station in the country, you'll hear a morning show...and then you'll hear an entirely different person doing the 10-2 shift...and guess what...that midday person gets paid a full-time salary! So I'm already getting ass raped by the company I work for by doing two FULL TIME air shifts for one measly salary, not to mention - I do all of the morning show's website postings and book us interviews...like Katy Perry...which I got yelled at for because after I was given permission to book the in-studio my boss forgot he told me I could have her come in and then decided I should not have been talking to Katy's record rep about what time she'd be coming in. Does that make any sense to you? Yeah, me neither. So excuse my lack of "team" attitude for not wanting to come in on Saturday...Valentine's Day...to work while all of the other full-timers have the day off.

I'm bitching and whining...I know...but I can't help it. It's easy to say, "Oh you're lucky to have such a cool job. You get to meet celebrities and go to concerts." And everyone who says/thinks that is correct...but nothing is perfect.

I can feel my blood pressure going up as I'm typing this so it might be time to call it a night. I need a drink.

Summer Lovin'

All I have to say is Fuck Monday mornings. It's 6:38 am right now and I've already been at work for two hours. The nice thing is that our studio is in a big tall office building so I get to watch the run rise every morning. That puts me in a good mood. We also face due east so we have a clear view of the Sierra Nevada's and on clear days you can see snow capped mountains in the distance...sometimes I look out at and realize how close I am to Lake Tahoe...the most gorgeous place I've ever been. That puts me in a good mood too.

I stayed up entirely too late last night watching the Grammy's. I was glued to the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama and it was in that moment, I realized how pathetic my life is...when I will stay up until 11:00 to find out all of the details about their fight even though I know my alarm will be going off at 3:45 the next morning. Needless to say, I'm hating life right now.

Anyways, it's a new week which means new and exciting goings on...we launched a new promotion this morning. It's a "Pay your Bills" contest where people can go on the website and sign up to have us pay their bills. That's the big news. Other than that, the only thing I have to report is that I received one of those random "blast from the past" e-mails over the weekend that pop-up every now and again. This one came from someone I dated when I was 19 years old...almost 10 years ago.

We met the summer we were camp counselors in upstate New York. I had just finished my freshman year at UNC and didn't want to move back home for the summer. So I applied to be a camp counselor. It was free room and board for 12 weeks plus you got paid like $1500. I definitely could have made more if I had gone back to the beach to wait tables at Blackbeard's Quarters but like I said, going home wasn't an option. So anyways, the counselors were brought up a full week before the first campers arrived. Half of the staff members were American college kids and the other half were international kids who came through a program called Camp America. Their deal was simple. They came to work at a summer camp for 3 months, earned a little bit of money and then they got an extra 3 months to travel the U.S. with the money they had earned. So basically, there were 250 staff members between the ages of 18 and 25...all with an appetite for foreign cuisine...if you know what I mean.

The Americans went straight for the internationals...an vice versa. I wound up with the 23-year-old Australian soccer coach. His name was Scott. He had such a thick accent taht when we'd have time off and we'd go out in town, I'd have to translate for him at restaurants because nobody could understand whathe was saying. What I remember most about our summer fling was the innocence. I lost my viriginity at 16 and at that time in my life I was pretty promiscuous...but Scott wasn't like that. We never slept together. It was just good, clean fun. Things got pretty intense for a lot of the couples and many of them remained together after the summer ended. In fact, a few years back two of the counselors who met that summer wound up getting married in Ireland (where he was from). Unfortunately that wasn't the case for Scott and myself. I was going back to school and I knew our time was fleeting. He came to me one night and suggested that he move to the United States so that we could get a place together. It kinda freaked me out because suddenly it all became really real...if that makes any sense...so I completely shut down on him. I treated him like shit and while I don't regret much in life...I do regret the way I treated him towards the end of that summer.

Well of course, life got busy and we'd keep in touch briefly through mass e-mails sent between counselors...but eventually those stopped coming and going.

To make a long story short, we lost touch for a while. Last time I heard from him was a couple of years ago and then a couple of weekends ago I was down in Modesto cleaning out my house when I found two letters he had written me the summer we were together. Memories came flooding back...there's nothing like a little summer lovin' from that past to make you all nostalgic...and then over the weekend I got an e-mail from him. I got all excited and e-mailled him back immediately.

The question is, now that we're both single...is it even worth exploring? It was so long ago...we've both changed so much...and we live half-way around the world from one another. Yet somehow I can't shake the memories of our summer together. It's probably just better to be cordial and check-in with another from time to time...

Personal Foul!

The morning show I'm a part of is called Wayne, Jay and Reagan in the Morning. Technically there are 5 of us (we also have a producer/street guy and a mixer). Half of our show got to go to the Grammy's this weekend so Jay and I are here by ourselves. At first I was a little butt hurt about not being able to go but I went last year and really, once was enough. Trust me, going to the Grammy's is not as exciting as it sounds. You don't get to use the same entrance as the celebrities so you never see them...I sat in the 300's section of the Staples Center so the performers and presenters on the stage looked like ants...and the parking situation in downtown LA was a NIGHTMARE. It was definitely worth the experience of being able to say that I went but I had more fun that weekend doing other things. But for the record, I still don't think it's fair that half of our show got an exciting weekend in LA while Jay and I are here in rainy Sacramento. Personal foul!

Anyways, tonight we all got invited to the Sacramento Kings game in honor of Chris Webber retiring his jersey. Then he's having a retirement party afterwards at Center Court (his restaurant). Tomorrow I'm going to clean out my car if it kills me and Sunday I have ringside tickets to WWE RAW and ECW Road to Wrestlemania at Arco Arena. I don't really want to go but I saw that The Miz is going to be wrestling and I'm pretty sure that that's Mike from the Real World and Road Rules Challenges...which I think it pretty interesting.

In other news, you may have noticed that I took down a post I put on here earlier this week. It was an e-mail that I wrote my ex after we hung out on Super Bowl Sunday...after going back and reading it again, I decided that even I have some things I should keep to myself...plus, I don't want this to turn into a place where I come to vent about a relationship I got out of a year ago. What's the point? Moving on.

Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you that someone showed up at my house yesterday looking for my roommate. It was a younger-looking girl who had flown to Sacramento from Washington DC. When she showed up at my house, she said that my roommate was expecting her so I let her in to wait until my roommate got home from work...which in retrospect was probably not the right decision...but what was I supposed to do? Well, when my roommate came home, she went berserk! It was a mess...and now my roommate is upset with me. Like I said, she's in witness protection and the public defender's office wasn't supposed to be able to locate her but somehow they did. It was major drama in my house yesterday.

Needless to say, I'm glad that the weekend is here!

Bleh.

Alright, let's get a little personal, shall we? I'm going to warn you now, this might be a little TMI for some of you as parts of it will be sexually explicit...but it's a real issue and I need to get it out. Here's what happened: my ex came up to Sacramento yesterday for the Super Bowl party I was telling you about (see last post). A few days before the game he tried to get me to engage in a little sexting...which as I understand it, is like phone sex executed via text messaging. I refused to participate because A). we're not together anymore and B). what good would it do? He was at work and we live an hour apart so it's not like the sexting would have or could have materialized into more. I told him that he needed to find someone he could have casual, meaningless, no strings attached sex with - but that that person wasn't me. It's not casual and meaningless to me...not when it comes to him...or when it comes to "us." I think that's a fundamental difference between men and women. So I turned him down even though it was extremely difficult. And I think he was surprised that I suggested he go search for ass elsewhere.

Then there was Saturday night...not long after I wrote the last post on here. We started texting back and forth to confirm times for Sunday and in a moment of temporary insanity...a complete lapse in judgment and common sense...I said that he could come up that night, after he got off work, and could stay the night. This was approximately 9:30 pm (around the time he was supposed to be leaving work...he's also a bartender on top of the modelling thing). He said had been thinking about coming up early but that the bar was still busy and he didn't think he'd be able to leave until more in the 10:30-11:00...then you'd have to add in an hour's worth of drive time...so we agreed that he should just come up Sunday morning before the game, but really he's the one who said no. Part of me felt rejected because I was the one who had thrown the offer out there and if he had wanted to come badly enough, he would have driven up no matter how late it was. I wasn't expecting him to say no but when he did, I figured it was a blessing in disguise because I knew (deep down) that it would have been a bad idea. I knew that one night of physical intimacy would have reversed some of the healing I've done since we split up a year ago. So I let it go and concluded that the window of opportunity had closed...the moment of temporary insanity had passed...and whether I felt slightly rejected or not, it was for the best.

Anyways, yesterday at the Super Bowl party it was just like old times. We were legitimately enjoying each other's company. I introduced him to my new co-workers...he held my hand and the more he drank, the more touchy feely he got. I was still a little bruised from being turned down Saturday night so I was determined to stand my ground on the "no hooking-up" rule, more than anything, just out of sheer spite. Plus, I didn't want to ruin the day we had just had...it was nothing short of perfect. We hadn't been able to hang out like that in a looooooong time. I felt like we made progress - real progress - towards building a friendship in the wake of our traumatic break-up.

When the game was over, we had both been drinking and as we were walking to our cars, he kissed me in the parking lot. Isn't it sad that that's all it took? He asked me if he could follow me back to my house to "make sure I got back alright" and of course, I said yes. It's almost painful for me to think about what happened after we left Center Court. It's something I'd rather just forget about at this point but I guess I might as well finish the story.

We got to my house and started watching Old School. By that point, we both knew what was going to happen next...

Next thing you know, we were upstairs going at it. He had had way more to drink than I had and even though I could taste the alcohol on his breath, he didn't seem out-of-control drunk. After about 30 minutes he lost all momentum...went totally limp...there, I said it. I felt like it was my fault. He kept saying that it was because he had been drinking but we have had sex in the past when he was way more intoxiacted than he was last night and that had never happened before...so it was weird. I couldn't help but think about the sexting conversation a couple of days prior that had failed to take-off and the night before the game when he had turned down my invitation to come to Sacramento and then, of course, the awkwardness of yesterday...it was messing with my head. He, on the other hand, was determined to keep it going so while I had completely checked out he was trying desperately to continue...which just made it even more frustrating. Finally I told him to stop. It wasn't working. We used to have such great sexual chemistry, we used to be so in-sync with one another...I kept wondering, had we lost all of that?

And just as we had arrived at a pivotal point in our day together, he did the worst thing I think he could possibly do...he just left. He didn't lay there and try to make conversation, he didn't try to console me or reassure me that it wasn't my fault. I can't say I blame him...I probably would have wanted to leave too. So now it's Monday morning and I haven't heard from him since he left last night. I guess, more than anything, I've realized that it's time to let go...I mean, really let go. Because I can't move on with my life while I'm still partially invested in the past and clearly the past has changed. We're not the same couple that used to be on fire for eachother. There's disconnect and awkwardness and rejection and once the system has been thrown out of balance, there isn't much than can be done realign everything. The sex was the one thing I knew we still had, the one good thing we could always come back to...which is a very unhealthy thing to cling to in a dying relationship...but it was something.

So I'm sitting at work this morning and I'm upset. I'm angry at myself for giving into the urge when I knew it was a bad idea and I promised myself I wasn't going to go there. I'm also sad that the last little spark from our flame has (seemingly) burned out. I know that if I'm going to let go, I have to let go 100% and not a single percent less. I owe it to myself to finally put the past three and a half years to rest so that I can focus all of my energy and attention on the future. But it's hard...just as hard right now as the day he left.

In life, sometimes we're the chasers and the clingers and the ones who will go down with the sinking ship rather than jump off to save ourselves. Other times we're the ones being chased. But whichever role we play, we have to know when it's time for the final curtain. And in all seriuosness, I know that that time has come for us...for the sake of my sanity and the sake of my happiness...for the sake of my future and for the sake of preserving the good memories I have from our time together.

And it also doesn't help that it's a Monday...bleh.