Case closed.

I've been home from Alaska for exactly one week and I'm ready to go back. I never thought I'd love it as much as I did. It was more than a vacation for me. Something happened on the trip that I never saw coming. The funny thing about leaving your everyday life...breaking the routine, blocking out the noise and detaching from it all...is that sometimes you gain a new perspective on things that have bogged your down for months (or even years). It's like someone takes a Polaroid snapshot of your life, hands it to you as you're boarding the plane and somehow, someway, in the few days you're gone you're able to step out of the stillness of the picture and look at everything around you from a third party viewpoint. Things you never noticed before become painfully obvious. This probably isn't making any sense so I'll try to explain it a different way.

Up until the day I left for Alaska I was contemplating my future with my ex. We were spending a lot of time together...he still has all those same boyish qualities I found so appealing when I met him 5 years ago. Now, let me pause here and say that I realize some of you reading this know my ex personally and some of you know nothing about him. For the latter group, here's a little background info. My ex is a male model. A real one. He's one of the most (physically) beautiful human beings I've ever laid eyes on. I remember the night I met him. I couldn't believe that someone so insanely gorgeous was really just a big goof ball. And he was equally intrigued by me. I was this homegrown southern spitfire with a million flaws but an honesty about them all that he embraced regardless. We gravitated to one another with such force...I'm not sure if I'll ever feel that again...as it was electric. I can't say I fully believe in love at first sight but it was the closest I had ever been to something slightly resembling it...or at least, it was definitely a classic case of lust at first sight.

So when he came back into my life a couple of months ago and apologized and admitted that he fully regretted what happened between us...I found myself getting sucked right back into that dangerous vortex of attraction, comfort, familiarity, genuine feelings and of course...a dash of aphrodisia. For those of you who have never experienced it, believe me when I say that concupiscence can be more addicting than the most addictive drug.

Anyways, the day before I left for my trip he was texting me incessantly. He wanted to "get together" which meant he wanted to hook-up. I don't know why the urgency struck him right before I left. Maybe it was a hint of the "what if, by some minimal chance, she decides not to come back and goes straight home with her family" that got to him. Maybe it was the weeks of innocent flirting back and forth that had finally taken its toll and re-ignited the desire. Or maybe it was a combination of things...I'm not really sure. Here's what's interesting about all this. My old self would have given in and told him to come to Sacramento for the night. But the new me, who still had bags to pack and errands to run, told him he'd have to wait until I got back.

And I meant it.

I had been holding out for a couple months. Maybe it was finally time to give in and be with him again...just to see if it was the same...if it would feel the same. I knew it was dangerous. There were any number of outcomes that could have resulted from us "going there" but still, something inside me told me to make him wait. So I left on Thursday June 10th with the intention of revisiting my old "stomping grounds" when I got back from my trip.

But this is where the story gets really interesting. Somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (and about half-way through Eat, Pray, Love) I made one of the most definitive and final decisions of my entire life. I literally just knew that it was time to let him go, cut it off, release him (or both of us) from the unseen hook that had snagged us both by the cheek and was reeling us in towards a place neither of us really wanted to go. I can't even really put in to words what I experienced or why it happened or how I knew it was time...but I just knew. There's a passage in Eat, Pray, Love that says:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

And listen, I'm not one to read a profound statement and instantly start to shape and mold my entire life around it but those words spoke to me. My ex did change my life for the better (which some of you already know about). He helped me arrive at that perfect destination at that perfect time six months ago. He did his job, played his part, and he changed my life forever. But on my trip I realized it was time to say goodbye for good. Part of me will always love him. Part of me will always wonder about what our life together would have been like 30, 40, 50 years down the road. But an even bigger part of me got smacked in the face by the realization that a pivotal moment was on the horizon.

I came home exactly 7 days ago.

He was ready and waiting to take me up on my offer. You know, the "you'll have to wait until I get back" offer...

But I told him I couldn't go through with it.

I explained that our friendship and fondness of one another meant more to me than sex. And of course he didn't believe me. He used every trick in the book to convince me otherwise. I stood my ground. I said, "I'm not going to change my mind later tonight, or in a couple of days, or next week...or six months from now. We have to let each other live our separate lives now. I'm serious."

Case closed.

He hasn't spoken to me since Tuesday. We've gone longer without communicating in the past but this time it's different. This time I dictated the terms of "us" and this time (instead of always giving in to him) I spoke with authority and a power I haven't unleashed in a long time.

And it felt really fucking good.

PS - I will post Alaska pictures tomorrow, I promise.

Kiss My Couture

I spent my weekend preparing for my upcoming trip to Alaska. Yesterday was supposed to be all about picking up a few necessities to take with me. Today was all about returning the $600 worth of clothes I bought yesterday (none of which could be classified as necessary). I'm not usually a buy-and-return kind of shopper but apparently my body was temporarily possessed by some kind of shopping demon...or something...I don't know...I don't really remember. It was all such a blur. I think I vaguely recall floating from store to store splurging with the uninhibited spirit of high school seniors on prom night.

In any event, I woke up this morning in a panic. I got dressed and was literally standing outside the entrance to Nordstrom at 10:55 a.m. waiting for them to open at 11:00. In my state of delusion yesterday I purchased a $220 Juicy velor track suit that said Kiss My Couture on the ass of the pants, a pair of $190 True Religion jeans, an $80 pair of Vivienne Tam leggings and a couple of shirts. Let's start with the Juicy outfit. It was hot pink. I am a 28 year old woman who is entirely too old to be wearing a hot pink velor track suit with Kiss My Couture written across the ass...I know this. It looked like the kind of ensemble you'd see on one of the Jersey Shore cast members. It was loud, gaudy, and made me look like I was trying to pass (unsuccessfully) for 17 again. I returned it. I also returned the shirts and $80 leggings. Yes, you read and heard me correctly...EIGHTY DOLLARS FOR LEGGINGS!?!?!?

The only thing I kept was the pair of jeans because a girl, no matter how old, can never let a good pair of jeans go. And these jeans, somehow, someway, make my ass look like I've never seen it before...award-winning.

Anyways, after I returned all of my mistakes from yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to get a book. I figured I might need a little escape. I love my family more than anything in the world, but 10 days with them could very well be the death of me. When I walked into the store I was immediately approached by a very ice looking guy. "Excuse me, do you have a minute?" he asked. I should have politely shrugged him off but he was cute. He was selling some new Kindle-like device which I had absolutely no interest in but like I said, he was cute. So I listened to his sales pitch and wasted a good 15 minutes doing that while I was thinking about what I'd like to read on my vacation. I had almost decided on The Carrie Diaries - the prequel to the Sex and the City franchise before I realized that that book is sold in the "Teen Reading" section next to the vampire books. I just couldn't, not after the near-disaster I had just avoided with the Juicy velor track suit purchasing incident.

So I went with Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I know it's over-hyped and I'm a couple of years late to the party but better late than never, I guess.

The only thing I really need to do now is get a better memory card for my camera so I can take lots of pictures.

Oh, and in case you were wondering. Yes, I am still hanging out with my ex. And yes, I am still undecided about whether or not I'm making a huge mistake. We went to the Tim McGraw concert together last weekend and the strangest part about being around him now is that it feels like we've started all over again...back to where we were 5 years ago. We don't kiss, we don't hook up, we don't sleep together...but he has let me know that all of those options are available should I so choose. And choosing not to has been difficult because I'm still more attracted to him than I have been to anyone else I've ever met. However, the innocence of our interactions is kind of nice. It's not complicated or messy. And I know that as soon as I allow myself to wander into that gray area again I'm in trouble...so for now, we remain two people who used to share our lives together...two people who haven't completely let go...but don't really know what we're holding on to. And I guess that's ok...