My Tahoe Epiphany

So nobody likes the bedding I picked out. TJ hates them all and Jenny B said #2 was ok but that the others looked like something you'd see at your grandmother's house. That being said, the search continues.

Today is Wednesday. It has taken me almost three whole days to find the time to sit down and write this. This past week was interesting. First there was the trip to Tahoe...and don't worry...I've got plenty to say about that, then we have the Monkeyfeather update (which is starting to make me nervous) and last, but certainly not least, there's the huge milestone in my life that I've got to tell you all about.

TAHOE: The plan was for everyone to meet in Fair Oaks at 3:00 p.m. Friday afternoon so that we could beat rush hour traffic. I left work at 1:00 and went straight home to pack/let the dogs out. I had the house/pet sitter lined-up, I had my car cleaned out (so I could drive through the mountains with the top down) and I had approximately one hour to get the rest done. I figured that if I left at 2:30, I would make it with a few minutes to spare. Keep in mind, that I only knew one of the other six girls going on this trip so I didn't want to be late because I didn't want them to be sitting around waiting for me...it's not a good first impression. I wound up leaving at 2:40 and was already stressed because my GPS kept giving me an ETA of 3:07.

Like I said, I HATE being late. It doesn't matter if it's work or a movie or anything else...my mom was ALWAYS late to everything when I was growing up so now I make it a point to be on-time, if not early, to wherever I'm going.

I got to Fair Oaks and nobody was at the meeting place except for Katie's sister Jenny P. What? I thought I was a couple of minutes late but apparently, I had somehow arrived first. As I was sitting at Jenny's in-law's house (they were watching Jenny's son Carson so that's why we all met there) I watched the clock tick by...3:30 came and went...3:45 came and went...I started getting slightly annoyed because I realized that I could have taken my time but it wasn't the end of the world. The rest of the group arrived over the next few minutes and we hit the road around 4:15.

To get to Lake Tahoe from Sacramento, you take Hwy 50 east. It's a straight shot. However, Hot August Nights was going on in Reno the same weekend we were going to Tahoe and because of all the road construction on I-80 (which is how you'd get to Reno), there was double the normal amount of traffic on 50. Wonderful.

I drove my car separately because I knew I was going to have to get up Saturday morning and go to Bank of America to get all of my debit card crap taken care of...plus the idea of being stuck with a group of girls in a hotel suite for the weekend without an escape plan made me nervous...like I said before, I only knew one of the prior to the trip.

We finally made it to Tahoe around 6:45 which really wasn't too bad. It was still light outside and the weather was amazing. Once we checked-in, we decided to let Katie open all of her presents before heading to dinner. We were all told to bring Katie lingerie (it was a bachelorette party, afterall) and what I bought for her was...by far...the hottest. All of the other girls bought cotton tank tops with things like "Soon to be Mrs." written on them or some other lame stuff...which is all well and good as I respect the practicality angle...but I decided to get her something that she'll wear for 2.2 seconds before winding up on the bedroom floor and for that reason, I didn't think comfort and/or practicality were all that important.

After the panty party we went to dinner at The Naked Fish...a very trendy sushi restaurant in South Lake Tahoe. It wasn't until we were sitting at dinner, and everyone was talking about the weekend of events, that I started asking myself: When did I become so un-fun? No seriously, what the fuck happened to me? None of what they were talking about sounded remotely entertaining to me but I had to keep reminding myself that this was Katie's weekend, not mine. As we sat there I gave myself a quiet little pep-talk. I said, "Just go with the flow and try to enjoy yourself. If Katie's having a good time, that's all that matters."

Here's a fun fact about me...I'm allergic to avocado...which really sucks because I think it's super delicious...but when I eat it my chest gets tight, I can't breathe and I feel like I'm dying. Sushi restaurants put avocado on almost everything. So when I order sushi, I always have to specifically ask for "no avocado." Well, the group of girls thought it would be easier for us to order as a table instead of individually. I was trying to be a good sport so when the girl ordering asked if there was anything anyone didn't like, I said that I couldn't have avocado but that it wasn't a huge deal for me to just pick it off. I thought she would say, "Oh in that case, why don't you just order your own because everything I'm about to order comes with avocado." That didn't happen.

The sushi came. I picked out as much avocado as I could and thought, perhaps, I'd be ok. WRONG. I ate two pieces of sushi and almost instantly my chest started getting tight and because I felt like I was going into cardiac arrest, I passed on the sake bombs and other alcoholic beverages.

Then the bill came. Listen, I don't think I'm a cheap person...but...I wasn't too keen on paying $50 (my part of the bill) for two pieces of sushi that almost killed me and alcohol I didn't drink. Whatever, it's Katie's weekend.

After dinner, the group wanted to go to Cabo Wabo...my worst nightmare. When I was 19 I would have thought that Cabo Wabo was God's gift to the world. Now that I'm almost 30 I'd rather get a pap smear than spend my Friday night in a cheap well-drink serving, loud and crowded bar full of drunk, horny idiots. Keep in mind, too, my chest is still tight and I'm having trouble breathing...not emergency room worthy or anything...because I only ate a little bit...but I definitely should have gone back to the room and layed down so that I could be still and breathe slowly and deeply. So we're all standing in Cabo Wabo when a group of young(ish) guys decide they are going to "grind" up against us. The girls in my group seemed to be enjoying them so I tried really hard to tolerate it while subtly making my way to the perimeter of the circle. Too bad I backed right into one of them, which he mistook as a cue to start thrusting his pelvis at me. I tried to get around him, but he wasn't having it. Finally, through the pain of my avocado allergy attack and his obscene thrusting, I looked at him and said, "If you jab me in the hip with your hard-on one more time I am going to stab you in the jugular."

That's my sense of humor. I was, very sarcastically, letting him know to back the fuck off. Would you like to guess what he said in response? Go ahead, you'll never guess....

He said, "If you stab me I'll rape you."

WHAT???? I was speechless. Ummm, I know that what I said wasn't that funny (even though in my mind it was) but you threatening to rape me is even not funnier than what I said. I thought, "No, this fucker did not just give me a dose of my own medicine!?!?" I didn't stick around long enough to find out what the outcome of that situation would have been. I excused myself from Cabo Wabo to use the restroom...conveniently located on the casino floor...and while in the bathroom I texted Katie to let her know that I'd be at a Craps table and to come find me when they were ready to leave.

Saturday morning the girls wanted to go to Zephyr Cove but they wanted to leave early because it gets so crowded by 10:00. Well I had to go to Bank of America so I told them I'd meet them down there. For the first (and probably only) time in my life I was relieved when I got to the bank and found that there was only one customer service rep working. I was sixth in line...fine...great...take your time. No hurry. The guy in front of my had a similar story about his card getting stolen so we sat and talked about how annoying it was for almost an hour while the one person working helped the other people in line before us. Despite the night I had had before, I looked around the bank Saturday morning and realized, so this is where all of the good looking men in Northern California are hiding. They were everywhere!

Those who know me, know that I like 'em a little bit older and there was a straight up JFK Jr. who had me drooling...henceforth, I will be hanging out at the Bank of America in South Lake Tahoe every weekend...jk.

I left the bank and went to meet my group at Zephyr Cove but once I got there I called three times, left a message and sent a text, which all went unreturned, so I just hung out by myself for the morning. It was so crowded that there was no way I was ever going to find them. I wound up meeting some really nice people from the Bay area and took a little nap on the beach bfore heading to Harrah's to play some blackjack.

I won over $200. I was happy.

At 5:00 in the afternoon the girls called to let me know that they didn't have any cell reception at the cove and that they were so sorry they had missed my calls. Secretly, I was glad that I had gotten to have some "me time" without them. We all started to get ready in the one bathroom we were sharing among the 7 of us...which was not fun...Katie's weekend...deal with it. The problem is that I didn't grow up with sisters. I had an older brother and I never had to share anything with him. I always had my own bedroom, bathroom, wing of the house, etc...so sharing is not my strong point. But I did my best to be quick and stay out of everyone's way. I am proud to report that I was ready...start to finish...in less than 45 minutes while the other girls took over 3 hours to shower and get dressed.

Anyways, Saturday night the plan was to go to Club Vex. I wanted to go see the Chicago and Earth, Wind & Fire concert...I know, I'm an animal...Katie's weekend...Club Vex it is. We got to the club and I found myself thoroughly amused by the people in attendance. I did some people watching...and while I was distracted by some tool in an Ed Hardy shirt trying to flirt with one of the go-go dancers, my group left me! I turned around and they were gone. I looked in the bathroom...and when I didn't see them I went back to play more blackjack where I won another $100.

Sunday morning we checked out of the hotel and headed home. Katie rode back with her sister so it was just me, the gorgeous scenery and more amazing weather. I drove home with my top down and my music up...it might just have been my favorite part of the whole weekend. I find so much comfort in being alone with my thoughts...it gave me time to just think.

You know, as I've gotten older my life has become more boring...and I'm ok with that. I've mellowed-out. I'm more low-key and who cares if I don't enjoy loud nightclubs anymore...things change, people change and this weekend I realized how much I've changed...my Tahoe epiphany. I just hope this is where I plateau, otherwise I'll be playing chess with myself, in my living room, on the weekends by the time I'm 35.

The rest of the stuff I was going to tell you about will have to wait. This has gotten entirely too long and I've got to call it a night.

Short and sweet.

I'm not a pastel person...pastel colors make me nauseous. In my house, I like bold colors. Moroccan blues, greens, golds and reds in the living room and Earth tones in the bedroom. I've had the same bedroom set-up for a few years now and I'm thinking it might be time to change things up a bit. Here's what I'm currently working with (it's like a sage green and dark brown):

It's alright, but I'm starting to get bored with it and I know it's hard to tell from the picture but I have a California King so sometimes it's a little difficult to find bedding that I like...that will also fit my bed. I mean, it's HUGE. Anyways, I've started looking around for new bedding ensembles and I'm thinking about stepping outside of my comfort zone a little. Nothing too crazy...just a little pop of color to brighten things up a little. Here's what I've found so far:

I'm not in love with any of them but they're kinda sorta along the lines of what I'm thinking. Your thoughts?

Anyways, I found out yesterday that someone has been using my debit card. I spent two hours on the phone with B of A reporting the "suspicious charges." I was looking at my bank statement and saw over $500 worth of charges in Utah and Nevada over the past week. What? I asked the lady on the phone how that was possible...I have the card in my possession...and she said that people are making counterfeit bank cards with other people's account numbers on them and when they go to use them at gas stations or whatever, they say that the magnetic strip doesn't work and that it will have to be entered in manually. It doesn't seem like it should be that easy but I guess it is. So annoying and so not cool.

I hadn't felt so violated since my parents found (and read) my diary when I was 13.

In other news, I booked my flight to NC for Greta's wedding in October. I'm flying into RDU on Thursday the 8th...and my ticket was only $277 roundtrip! Sweet. I'm saving those frequent flyer miles so I can go visit Hannah in Paris next year! (For those of you who don't know...one of my best and oldest friends from 3rd grade is an engineer for Areva and they're moving her to France!) She is a bonafide badass and I will fully take advantage of a free place to stay in Europe, Oui s'il vous plaît.

Well, that's all I got for now...keeping it short and sweet today!

The Reusables.

I had my meeting yesterday with Monkeyfeather Books out of Salt Lake City. Things went really well, so far as I can tell. My potential publisher seemed really enthusiastic about my series...The Reusables. The owner of the company - his name is George - is currently working on projects with Michael Ward (former member of The Wallflowers) and Joel Harper (Ben Harper's brother). We're supposed to talk again at the end of the week, once he's had a day or two to read through all of the work I've done so far.

I don't want to get too excited because I'm all too familiar with the notion that rejection is a natural part of the creative process...which is hard...because this is very personal to me. I remember talking to Carlos Alazraqui when he came on our show a few months back. He played Deputy Garcia on Reno 911! and he's done character voices for dozens of cartoons...Family Guy, Rocko's Modern Life, Phineas and Ferb AND he was the "Yo quiero Taco Bell" voice of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Anyways, Carlos told me that it would probably take years to get my idea - The Reusables - off the ground.

So for the past couple of months I've been brainstorming here and there, writing ideas down, bouncing things off my family and friends...but I haven't devoted my full attention to this project. That being said, when George goes through everything I sent him last night, he might come back and tell me that we've still got a long way to go...or he might politely pass on all of it.

Here are my sketches...and please keep in mind that these would be redone by a professional illustrator who will make mine look like kindergarten drawings, which is basically what they are right now. Oh, and please excuse the fact that the ones at the bottom are upside-down...that was an accident.



The series is about a (culturally diverse) group of recyclable products from a recycling plant who form a band and go on tour in a recycling truck, their tour bus, singing songs to kids about different environmental issues. Not only is the series about teaching kids how to be environmentally conscious and socially responsible, but it also promotes using problem solving strategies and team work to overcome obstacles. Think Berenstain Bears, Spongebob, Veggie Tales (minus the religious aspect) and Safety Kids...with a very clear and distinct voice.

Each adventure that the characters go on focus on a specific environmental "buzz" word or term in a way that is both educational and applicable to real world scenarios.

I think it has limitless potential and while I don't have any kids myself...if I did...I would want them to read books for recreational and educational purposes. If I could find a series of books with compelling characters that entertained my kids while spreading an important message...well, I'm pretty sure I'd jump on board. I hope George agrees.

Plus, there's nothing else like this on the market right now. I recently spent a Friday night at Borders and asked the lady working there if she could show me the children's books about environmentalism...she took me straight to the non-fiction section and not only were the books aimed at/geared towards middle school aged chilren (and above) but they weren't very interesting...they were non-fiction...educational...dry. There were no books for the 4-8 year olds. There were no cute stories with cute characters. I'm just saying...

Think about it. Environmentalism is one of the biggest issues in the 21st century. The books (printed on recycled paper, of course) with music/songs and well-developed story lines...I mean, the cross-marketing opportunities would be endless.

I've already written the first book in the series. It's an introduction to the characters and it sets the stage for the future of The Reusables. I'd love for my friends (ie - those reading this right now) to check it out and give me some feedback so leave me your e-mail address in the comments section and I'll send it out to you. Or even better, if you have a small child (or have access to one...or two) then read the story to them and see if they react to it at all. Then let me know what you find out. It will help me write the rest of the series...and I'll make sure to include you in the "special thanks" section!

PS - Just checked the weather in Tahoe this weekend...sunny with a High of 80...lows in the 40's...PERFECTION!!!

Double Bonus, Cha Cha Cha.

First item of business: an update on the WWWORD situation. In the middle of the show Thursday (the day after the e-mail was sent) he leaned over to me and said, "So I understand you were offended by what I sent you yesterday." I looked him dead in the eye and replied, "Yeah...actually...it kinda did." I guess what happened next was to be expected. It started with a half-hearted apology. Then it morphed into a self-indulgent defense. That's his tactic. He has a really creative way of twisting the details to fit his version of the story...which was that he wasn't even thinking about the possibility of offending me when he sent it to me because the thought never entered his mind. He challenged me and wanted to know why I found it so offensive. He tried to dissect the situation and back me into a corner so I'd have to admit that I "overreacted" and ultimately wind up letting him off the hook. I'm sure most women fall for it because he's good at it...I'm not one of them.


And while I never got the sincere and/or genuine apology that I was hoping for, I had to stand firm and lay down the law to let him know that I wasn't going to change my mind. Listen, I get it. Perception is reality. If we perceive the situation differently then our realities are going to be different. He doesn't feel like he was in the wrong so he feels like he has no reason to apologize.


Keep in mind, this is the same person who once told me that he didn't "see anything wrong with being a Nazi" and that he "had a swastika tattooed on his dick," so like I said, why would I have reason to expect a positive resolution?


The good news was that almost immediately after the show Thursday we all became instantly distracted by the Arbitron ratings. Allow me to explain a little about how ratings work. There are over 1.9 million people who live in our listening area. Every month we get a trend. The trend is a market share based on the total number of people who listen to our station (the "cume") and the time spent listening (or "TSL" as we call it). At the end of three months, the trends are averaged into a book...our ratings. We have four books per year and they are, of course: Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall.


On each of the 4 days per year that ratings are published, we all come to work wondering if we're going to be on the chopping block. If we get a bad set of numbers, we're rarely given an opportunity to "wait and see" if the next set of numbers will be better. Our ratings determine everything: how much we get paid, our bonus structure, how many enorsements we get, our testimonials and basically, how valuable we are to our company.


So anyways, we just got our Spring book numbers back and our morning show came in #2, a far cry from 8th place...which is where the show was when I came to work for KSFM 10 months ago. I would never claim full credit for the newfound success...afterall...it's a team effort and there are 5 of us who have worked very hard to achieve what we've accomplished. So I got a bonus for our morning show numbers and I was excited. I guess it just goes to show that you don't always have to see eye to eye with your coworkers, and you don't always have to like them, or agree with them...but sometimes you do need them.



Middays, on the other hand, is a solo effort. I do the show by myself. Those numbers are mine and only mine. I came in 2nd in middays too, so I got another bonus for that. Say it with me now: DOUBLE BONUS, CHA CHA CHA. Thank you CBS. Oh, and mark my word...I will beat the guy who came in 1st...he works for a rock station...his name is Pat and he's been on the air here for over 20 years...he's the veteran and I'm the rookie...step aside old man, there's a new kid in town.

The week ended well. Not even my creepy caller stalker could mess it up. I hear from him from time to time. He calls himself General Patton and he thinks my name is Claire. I don't know what his real name is. A lot of radio people have creepy caller stalkers. It's weird because we're nobody's. We're not famous, we're not celebrities. We're not even remotely interesting. I guess that's why we attract the creme de la creme of crazies...the ones who don't have enough sense to attach themselves to real celebrities. It's people like General Patton who make make me realize why I don't use my real name at work. Check this out:

I hung up on him. That seems to be the best way to handle him and most of the time he leaves me alone after that, but it doesn't always work. On this particular day, he called back. He doesn't normally get belligerent with me...only when he hasn't taken his medication. Apparently he's schizophrenic and I've been assured that he poses no real threat to my personal safety or well-being. I'm almost embarrassed to let you hear our exchange in this next call...he definitely managed to fluster the unflusterable. Damn you, General Patton:



Hahaha...I'm not black?!?!?!? That's the best I could come up with????? Seriuosly????? Ugh, makes me cringe listening to it. At least he doesn't show up to my live events. I know this guy named Mike who works for a station on the east coast and his creepy caller stalker always shows up to his remotes. His is WAY funnier than mine:

Moving on. Yesterday (Saturday) I learned the downside of Freeze getting fired again. I had to work for him. Well I didn't have to, but I'm not stupid. I'm the youngest, I'm the newest on staff and I'm the only girl. I have to prove myself by letting my boss know that I'm a team player. I'm the go-to girl. I'll get the job done even if it means sacrificing my Saturday to cover for someone I really don't like. Call it what you want...ass kissing...brown nosing...or being incredibly smart (that's the one I like the best). I spent the morning broadcasting live from a Subaru dealership and then I spent the hours between 2 and 6 pm on the air doing a regular shift. I know, I know...woe is me...and yes, I would like some cheese with my whine.

Today, Yaana and I took a trip to Modesto. I had to finish cleaning out my house because I have new tenants moving in on August 1st. One of the many joys of home-ownership, I'm learning, is that you have to do a lot of un-fun shit...especially when you don't live in your house and you rent it out to people who don't take care of it the way you would. Anyways, the trip started with a stop at a U-Haul place and let me just say...I'm pretty sure I missed my calling in life. I was driving that truck like it was nobody's business. Are you supposed to get them up to 85 mph?

No? Oh well.

Anyways, Yaana and I were like Amazonian women. Between the two of us, we moved a couch, headboard, footboard, mattress, box spring, kitchen table, chairs, and big ass mirror all by ourselves...in the 100 degree heat. We said a lot of "f" words and got a little creative with a brick when we couldn't find a hammer (thanks for nothing T-Pain) but all in all, we laughed more than we worked. I know I have a great friend in Yaana when she shows me she's willing to spend an entire Sunday in Modesto...the arm pit of California...in the blazing heat...helping me move my crap...and for that, I shall be eternally grateful.

And now here it is, Sunday night. I've got a big week ahead. Some of you who know me really well, already know that my name is not synonymous with the term "child-friendly." I think I would really like my own kids, if I had any, but generally speaking I find other people's kids to be really annoying. Keep those things on a leash. In any event, I have a meeting on Tuesday with a publishing company out of Salt Lake City (thanks to my TJ the DJ) about a series of children's books I've been working on. Don't laugh, I'm being serious. His name is George and he owns Monkeyfeather Books. They've published a series called Mike and the Bike - with a forward written by Lance Armstrong - aimed at teaching kids about the Tour de France and I don't want to get too excited yet but I'm definitely anxious to talk to him.

Then of course, this coming up weekend I'm going up to Tahoe for Katie's bachelorette party...with my double bonus in my pocket. Say it with me again: DOUBLE BONUS, CHA CHA CHA!

LAWD HAMMERCY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ONE

Well, I've certainly gotten myself into a little "situation" at work. Before I launch into the nitty gritty, let me tell you a quick story about myself.

I'm Jewish. I grew up in the south and the entire Jewish population of North Carolina, where I'm from, is approximately 1% (according to Wikipedia). So I know what it feels like to be different. I was the only Jewish kid in my classes, I never went to vacation Bible school and I don't know the words to most Christmas carols. I had a Bat Mitzvah, I went to Hebrew School on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and I celebrated weird holidays. When Adam Sandler's "The Chanukah Song" came out in 1996, I thought it was the most brilliant thing I had ever heard. At 14 years old, I remember thinking, "Finally people understand that it's ok to be Jewish."

I've been told twice in my life, to my face, that I'm going to hell because I don't believe in Jesus. It happened once in Middle School and once in High School. I'll never forget those incidents for as long as I live. I guess you could say that religion is somewhat of a "hot button" for me. At times, I'm a little hyper-sensitive about it because of the experiences I've had in the past. But that's not to say that I don't crack jokes about religion and being Jewish - because I do - funny is funny and jokes are jokes. However, I'm used to being around people who don't share my beliefs so I think I'm very cognizant of what I say when in the presence of other people. I've learned that I have to be respectful and tasteful...and that there's always a fine line between humorous and offensive...harmless and malicious...especially when it comes to religion. On the flip side, I totally get that most people aren't used to being in the religious minority and don't realize that I'm as sensitive about it as I am.

You get the idea.

Anyways, at work this morning, a conversation (off the air) started in our studio about religious fasting. Wayne, one of my co-hosts, voluntarily fasts for 24 hours each week to represent his understanding of the sacrifice that Jesus made for his followers, as taught by Christianity. My boss (the program director) and our assistant program director were both in the studio along with the other 5 of us who do the morning show together everyday.

Side note: Wayne goes to church every Sunday and his father is a preacher. He also has pre-marital sex, watches porn, drinks, gambles and engages in various other forms of sin-like behavior...all of which I know to be true because he openly talks about. He would not deny any of what I've just told you. He is free to live his life in any way he chooses and it is absolutely none of my business...but I do find it to be ironic. I call it the "beat your wife on Saturday night, go to church Sunday morning" mentality. The notion that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, as often as you want - as long as you ask for forgiveness at your convenience. He

And let me be over-abundantly clear about one thing...I'm no angel either. I have a devious side just like most other people in the world so I'm not trying to distinguish myself from Wayne by pretending that I'm holier than thou. I'm realistic. I think, for the most part, we all try to be good friends, family members, coworkers and contributing members of society...and we all fall short sometimes.

My APD (assistant program director) is the opposite of Wayne. His name is Randy. Randy walks the walk and talks the talk. He lives the straight and narrow. I find this to be equally as annoying (on a personal level) as someone who talks out of both sides of his/her mouth, but I respect that he practices what he preaches.

So the fasting conversation is taking place and my boss (who we'll call BK) said that he didn't understand the concept of religious fasting because he doesn't believe that God cares whether people eat or not. He said he thinks it's a little self-righteous to assume that God pays that much attention to any one person's dietary habits.

I didn't say anything.

Wayne and Randy seemed intent on proving their point, so the conversation lasted a lot longer than it should have. Finally I spoke up. I said, "Well, BK I'm Jewish so don't feel bad...I don't understand any of this." Everyone in the room already knew I was Jewish because I'm very open about it and have mentioned it, both on and off the air, on several occasions. Actually I take that back. The only person who didn't know about my religious beliefs before I made the comment was my boss. He didn't know because we aren't really acquainted with one another on a personal level. I've never seen or hung out with him outside of work, like the rest of my coworkers have. Like I've said in the past, it's a boys club...no girls allowed.

So after the conversation ended everyone pretty much dispersed in different directions. The show ended and that was that.

An hour or two later I got an e-mail from my co-host Wayne. The subject line read: WWWORD. I didn't know what it was so of course, I opened it. I'm just going to copy and paste the whole thing below because it'll be easier than trying to re-type it all:

From: KSFM Waynee Wayne
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 2:18 PM
To: KSFM Reagan
Subject: FW: WWWORD


1 Corinthians 1:18-23 (New Living Translation)
The Wisdom of God
18 The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God. 19 As the Scriptures say,
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise and discard the intelligence of the intelligent.”[a]
20 So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish. 21 Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe. 22 It is foolish to the Jews, who ask for signs from heaven. And it is foolish to the Greeks, who seek human wisdom. 23 So when we preach that Christ was crucified, the Jews are offended and the Gentiles say it’s all nonsense.

I read it once.

I read it again.

I went back and re-read it for a third time.

I sat for a moment and processed what the passage was about. Keep in mind, I've never read the Bible so all of the numbers were throwing me off a little bit. And then, in an unelicited response to the e-mail...I started crying. I was angry, offended, frustrated and hurt. I found it inappropriate and uncalled for. We work for a Fortune 500 company. William S. Paley, the chief executive who built CBS into one of the foremost radio and television network operations in the United States, was a Russian Jew. Not that that has anything to do with the scripture message I had just read...but loosely, the point is that using work e-mail for spreading Christian ideals and beliefs is neither professional nor appreciated.

It gets worse. The e-mail was originally sent by Randy (one of my direct superiors) to a group of people who work in our building. He sent it 15 minutes after the conversation we had in our studio about religious fasting...when I spoke up about being Jewish. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe not. I do find it suspicious that the scripture he chose made direct references to Jews. Again, I haven't read the Bible so I don't know if that's a common occurrence or not. But I found out later in the day that Randy sends these types of e-mails out almost daily...from his corporate e-mail account...on company time. Tsk, tsk. He sends them to about 15-20 people in our office as a type of bonding-through-Christ kind of kinsmanship. Obviously I'm not on that e-mail list but Wayne decided that I needed to hear the message so he (as one of the e-mail recipients) forwarded it to me.

I had some irrational thoughts while I sat there crying. My instinct was to print it out and march straight to HR. I could picture myself heading down there (e-mail in hand) on a mission, with a vengeance...demanding reprimand...refusing to accept anything less. But I've learned not to react emotionally to work situations. So I did the next best thing. I called my dad...but not before forwarding him the e-mail so that he could read it while we were on the phone together.

Here's a little 411 about my dad...he doesn't get mad. He's cool as a cucumber all the time. He is even-tempered, he's methodical and he's VERY patient (afterall, he still puts up with me...and my mom). I've seen my dad get really worked up on one or two occasions. Honestly, the rest of the time he's exceedingly logical. I call him every time I need him to "talk me off the ledge" and no one can reason with me the way my dad can.

Well, I can tell you this...Dr. J was PISSED!!! I don't know if I've ever heard that tone of anger in his voice.

He kept saying, "If I found out this was going on in my organization I would be livid!!! This is grounds for termination...what the hell are they thinking???"

We talked about the options I had. I could:

a). Do nothing...let it roll right off...take the high road and shrug it off

b). E-mail Wayne back, addressing him directly, about my disapproval

c). Talk to my boss about the situation

d). Go to Human Resources

I chose to e-mail Wayne directly. Listen, I'm not trying to get anyone in trouble...I don't want anyone to get fired...and I don't want to "be the girl who ran to HR" over a stupid little e-mail and got everyone in trouble. That's not how I operate. Here's my response:

Hey Wayne,

I totally respect your beliefs and don't mean any malintent in saying this, but I'd like to ask that you please not forward me Bible scriptures in the future. I know sometimes I joke about being Jewish but at the end of the day, it's something I take great pride in...I am firm and secure in my beliefs and would very respectfully like to make it clear that I do not wish to receive scripture e-mails from you or anyone else here at work.

Thanks,

Reagan

I went home after I sent the e-mail and thought that should have been the end of it...but it wasn't. One of my good friends in the building overheard me talking to my dad on the phone and went to tell BK about the e-mail because he knew I wasn't going to. From what I understand, my boss flipped out. He panicked, thinking I was going to turn on everyone involved (and by everyone involved, I mean the entire WWWORD mailing list, of which BK is a member). As it stands, I don't know who knows what or what the public perception of the situation happens to be.

Further, it's not even the content of the scripture that upsets me as much as it's the intent and motivation behind Wayne's decision to send it to me. He was trying to put me in my place and show me the error of my ways. It was deliberate, premeditated and reeked of superiority. It's totally characteristic of the working relationship I have with him (which is an entirely different issue all together...kind of).

So, I'm going to show up to work tomorrow as if it's business as usual but LAWD HAMMERCY!!! You know, I've often said that if you're the kind of person who always has issues with people at work then the common denominator is you. I don't know if I'm the problem or if this is all being brought on by outside forces.

I have to stop typing now, I'm getting a hand cramp.

PS - Freeze got fired again and I stand corrected...this was the fifth time he's been terminated from his position with CBS. He's got to be setting a record or something...is that worthy of an award? I feel like I should make him a certificate.

Dear Freeze,

Congratulations on being the employee who has been fired more times than anybody else in the history of the Columbia Broadcasting System. Job well done...not.

Regards,

Reagan

Mix Mornings.

We have this station in our building...I call it the Phil Collins station because it seems like that's all they ever play...with some Billy Joel and Elton John peppered in for good measure. And maybe a Kelly Clarkson "Breakaway" if they're feeling adventurous. Anyways, they're the same station that we had the newspaper ordeal with and they have a two person morning show called Mix Mornings with Dave and Jenn (or some variation of the such). I've spent the past month since we've been in our new building trying to decontstruct and dissect them. I'm a social interaction connoisseur and I take pride in tailoring my workplace camaraderies to the specific needs and personalities of those I'm trying to befriend.

Here's what I've learned so far:

Dave Thomson speaks in double entendre's. This morning I heard him say, "Oh yeah, I know what you need...I know what you want...and it starts with an 'f'...I'm talking about FUN...geez, that didn't sound so good did it?"

No Dave, it didn't. Your sexual innuendo's make me feel nauseas. Please stop.

Then he follows it up with, "What did you think I was talking about?"

Ummmm...oh, I don't know...fucking?

And then he plays Girls Just Wanna Have Fun...chuckling over the intro of the song like he's a comedic genius.

Dave drives a Toyota Previa and wears Jesus sandals every single day...you might know them as Teva's. I remember seeing people sporting them in the early-mid 90's but thought they had since been retired by the masses, along with hypercolor t-shirts and parachute pants. He also walks really, really fast which stresses me out. He flies through the hallways at mach 10...and just for fun, I thought about posting a speed limit sign outside of my office. I suspect that as "square" as he appears on the outside, deep down he's a freak nasty. I'm inclined to believe that he and his wife secretly engage in sadomasochistic rituals...and ultimately, I think that's why I like him even though it's safe to say that our presence in the building is a fly in his ointment. It's an adjustment for all parties involved.

Jennifer Steele is an entirely different story. Jenn is cougariffic. I hope I look that good at her age. The only things I'm not sure about with her are the hair extensions and her car-parking abilities. She used to have short hair. Then all of a sudden, she comes in one day with a head full of long blonde hair. She sets up an assortment of hair products in the bathroom (at work) in the mornings and since I'm the only other female in the building at 4:45 in the morning...and I know they're not mine...I can only assume that she comes to work to do her hair before she goes on the air. She has hairspray, curling irons, brushes, combs, mousse, clips and hair ties all over the counter. At first I thought she was just extremely vain and high-maintenance but then I decided that I could learn something from her. At least she makes an attempt...sometimes, I don't even try. I'm the queen of hooded sweatshirts and messy ponytails...it's radio...theater of the mind.

But enough about me and my disheveled unkemptness, my justification stands.

Jenn gets up at the ass-crack of dawn too and she is always dressed to impress. She is my inspiration to try harder.

She, unlike Dave, drives a really nice car (or at least it was 8 years ago). If I had to guess, I'd say it's a 2000-2001...Mercedes SLK...silver. I applaud her car choice. It lets me know that she spends $200 on oil changes without blinking an eye. The only problem I have concerning her automobile, is the way she parks it in the parking lot. My girl has no regard for the white lines and it looks like she let Stevie Wonder pull her car in. But nonetheless, I'm going to try to forge a friendship with her so that she can help me become a CIT (cougar in training).

They're both pretty set in their ways...which is seemingly what happens as people start to get older. I've noticed it in myself some. I'm a little OCD about certain things...I like bottled water, but not Evian (or any other kind of mineral water, for that matter). Mineral water tastes funny. And I'm definitely not a tap water drinker, it's not how I was raised. I like a certain kind of fabric softener/dryer sheets for my towels because I like them to smell a certain way. I like running errands on Saturday mornings or Sunday afternoons but never on Fridays. It's a little strange, I know.

I'm getting off-topic.

The point of all of this was to introduce you to the Mix morning show...so that when I refer to them in the future you'll know a little more about who I'm talking about. Background information. Reference points. We all work together now, there will be more Dave and Jenn stories to come.

"And not that you care, but now you know."

Holy Christmas.

What, in God's name, is with the weather? Listen, I'm from the south and I can deal with a reasonable degree of summer heat but this is beyond my realm of comprehension. I've been out running errands for the better part of the afternoon and at one point, it was 117 outside. It was so hot that I could feel the heat radiating off the asphalt through my flip flops to the soles of my feet. As I was driving home I saw a sign-holder standing on a corner looking like the most miserable person alive...and I swear, I could literally see his flesh melting off of his face. Holy Chistmas it is SO HOT.

Side Note: Before I started writing this post I went back and read some of my previous posts...which I rarely do...and that was a mistake. I know sometimes it seems like all I do on here is whine and/or complain and/or bitch but I hope it's understood that this is why I started writing these entries in the first place. This is how I vent. This is therapeutic for me...it's how I outlet the emotions that I refuse to display in my everyday life because women who react emotionally to situations (both inside and outside the workplace) are labeled irrational. So I bring it here and it's cathartic for me to sit down and "purge it" all (for lack of a better term). Anyways, I hope it can go without saying that, generally speaking, I'm an optimist...and this blog should never be misconstrued as my always-angry-at-the-world, glass half-empty, bleak and dismal take on life. Are we on the same page here?

Well, I hate to keep it so short but 4:00 a.m. will be here in a few hours and my feet have to hit the ground running on Mondays...but I'll check in again soon.

The Adventures of Super Bitch.

I've never really had an archnemesis so this is kind of a new thing for me. I'm in uncharetered territory. I'd like to think that, generally, I get along with everyone. So it's been interesting working with someone who genuinely doesn't like me...and trust me, the feeling is mutual. It's so ridiculously unneccessary, I almost can't even tell the story without feeling ashamed that I've let it get to this point. It all started back in May.

There's a guy named Freeze who works here. Nevermind the fact that he's been fired from CBS three times in the past...it's not an integral part of my story but it does shed a little light on the caliber of the individual I'm talking about. (Don't ask me why they've hired him back so many times, I don't make those decisions around here). Anyways, Freeze and I started out on good terms. We have mutual friends in common and have hung out in the same crowd/circle quite a few times in the past. I've never agreed with the way he chooses to live his life but fully understand that if it doesn't personally affect me, it isn't any of my business...so I've always kept my opinions to myself.

One of our friend's had a birthday a couple of months ago and we were all going to go out the weekend before (his birthday was on a Tuesday or Wednesday). Freeze couldn't find a babysitter so he pitched a fit that we were all going to go without him. Again, nevermind the fact that he has no problem leaving his daughter with his parents when he wants to go to Tahoe or Vegas for the weekend...or that he will trade days with his ex to suit his scheduling needs on other occasions...nonetheless, the group decides not to go so that we could accomodate Freeze.

This story is starting to run long...let me speed it up.

So Freeze decides that we should all go out the weekend after (which happened to be Memorial Day weekend) and he started sending out mass text messages and wanted people to text back confirming, yes or no, if they would be coming. I said that I'd help him out in any way if I was going to be in town...but I had plans to go to Lake Tahoe for the long weekend...and I wasn't alone. Most other people had plans too which is why we all wanted to do the birthday celebration the weekend before. As soon as Freeze realized that the majority of the group had other things going on, he started sending out mass text messages saying snarky things...accusing us of not being good friends, etc. After the third message I got, I couldn't bite my tongue anymore.

Finally I told him to stop making "dick comments" and he was so offended that he's now taken it upon himself to openly discuss his hatred for me in and around the workplace. Did I provoke him? Yes. Should I have ignored all of his asinine remarks? Yes. Do I share some of the responsibility for what has transpired? Of course. However, I thought it was all water under the bridge...nothing catastrophic...just a minor altercation. I was wrong.

Clearly, Freeze's contempt for me stems from something much more deep-rooted. I do not believe that our brief text message exchange could have caused this much of a stir, and if it has, then he is just as ridiculous of a person as I have believed him to be all along. I think I know what this is all really about but at the risk of sounding pretentious, I won't say it out loud...just like the other things I'd like to say about his moral fabric (or lack thereof) but have kept to myself.

I will say this: one of my coworkers has started a comic strip parodying my war with Freeze and it's called "The Adventures of Super Bitch." They are brilliant and hilarious...I get to stomp around the office cutting people down with my razor sharp rhetoric. Basically, it's the dialogue that runs through my head on a daily basis. I hope it gets to see the light of day...someday. If I can figure out a way to post some of them on here, I will.

In other news, to follow-up on my last post...I was running early for work today so I drove all the way over to the Starbucks by our old studio...because they know me there, they understand me and they certainly have enough sense to put a God damn sleeve on my coffee for me without me having to ask. Listen, I know it seems like I'm being demanding but the reality is that I get up at 3:45 in the morning everyday...you'd be cranky too if you're entire life was spent wandering around the world never feeling fully awake...a constant zombie-esque state of delerium resulting from many years of sleep deprivation. But this is the life I choose to lead, so I have no one to blame but myself. Anyways, I'd just like to point out that not only did my peeps at the OG Starbucks know to make my triple grande non-fat, no-whip mocha just the way I like it...but they went a step beyond the automatic placement of the brown sleeve on my cup and they gave me the little green plug that goes in the hole of the cup which prevents it from spilling out while I'm en route to work. It's the little things in life that make a big difference.

To hell with Craig...and his proverbial list.

I spent two hours the other night trying to post an ad on Craigslist for my house in Modesto. In total, I made (and subsequently remade) the same ad about 5 times. As of this morning, none of them have shown up online. I don't know what the problem is but I say to hell with Craig and his proverbial list. I'll try again today.

Speaking of my house in Modesto...I need some big strong men to help me move a couple of things out August 8th or 9th...I'll bring the U-haul, buy you lunch and provide the beer if you'll lend me your muscles for, at most, an hour. I don't want to have to hire movers just to load up a headboard, footboard, mattress, box spring, washer and dryer but I will if I have to.

Well, the puppy went to go live with my mom and dad. I put him on a plane last Thursday and when I dropped him off at the airport I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. The guy at Delta was completely unsympathetic and threw a box of Kleenex at me when I started to hyperventilate...which is a little bit of an exaggeration...but not much. I had no idea how attached I had gotten to that dog until it was time to say goodbye. All I could think was, he doesn't understand why I'm sending him away.

But nonetheless he made it to Lake Wylie without any complications.

Everyone is still adjusting to life in our new studio. There have been some growing pains, to say the least. I can’t go into too much detail but let’s just say we’ve had this on-going newspaper debacle with the AC (Adult Contemporary) station…they told us that all 4 of the local newspapers delivered in the morning were theirs – even though they are only a two-person morning show – and given the fact that our company pays for the newspaper delivery service, technically the papers belong to all of us. Nobody who works in this building pays for them out of pocket…hence…they are community newspapers…so deal with it. Anyways, we took it to the higher-ups and the verdict came down in our favor. Here’s the breakdown: they will get two papers, we will get one (to share among the 5 members of our morning show) and the other station in the building will get one…btw – the last station I’m referring to runs a syndicated morning show so the local producer is the only one in that studio in the morning. So, to recap…the two-person morning show who claimed that they needed all four copies of the Sacramento Bee were forced to give us one…of the free papers…that our company pays for…because (for no other reason) it’s a control issue and they don’t really like that they have to share with us now.

Oh well.

And since I’m on a roll…just spilling beans, throwing mud and generally complaining…I might as well go ahead and throw in the diva working at Starbucks this morning. She tries to hand me my coffee through the window without a little brown sleeve thingy on the cup so as I take it from her and can feel the heat from the cup on my hand I politely ask, “May I have a sleeve for my coffee?” She doesn’t say anything, she just reaches for one and as she’s passing it to me she says, “Here you go, but it’s not that hot.”

Ok, listen trick. I didn’t ask you if the coffee was too hot…I asked you if I could have a sleeve for my coffee cup since every other Starbucks I’ve ever been to has automatically put one on my cup for me and I haven’t had to go out of my way to ask for one. I’m paying $4.30 for my damn triple grande non-fat no-whip mocha…now give me a freaking thingy for my coffee cup before I climb through your drive-thru window and beat your ass.

That’s what I wanted to say.

That’s not what I said.

I ignored her snarky comment and thanked her…but I definitely decided not to throw my $0.70 worth of change in her tip jar. Take that. I was going to hook her up with two whole shiny quarters and two whole shiny dimes...until she opened her mouth. No, I don't feel bad about stiffing her on the tip, I wasn't in the mood for a dose of Starbucks diva this morning...wasn't what I ordered.

And finally, I found a house I really like…hoping to move soon…but don’t want to jinx it so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Happy Birthday Parker.

Yesterday was Parker's 6th birthday. I officially adopted him on July 5, 2003 and since none of my dogs have papers confirming the actual day they were born, I figured it doesn't really matter when we celebrate. My friends and I threw him a puppy party on Saturday the 4th because having b-day parties on Sundays is lame. Jay and Katie bought an edible doggie birthday cake from The Barkery, I bought the red, white and blue party favors and we all got together and pretended that Parker actually understood what was going on. Guests in attendance included: Parker, Moxie, Raffey, Sierra and Taz.

Anyways, yesterday morning I decided to let the dogs have the birthday cake leftovers for breakfast, because I'm a cool mom like that. It all started well, with each dog eating of their own plates.

However, as you can see...

Moxie wound up finishing hers early and then decided that she should eat off of the puppy's plate too. Speaking of the puppy, my mom and dad are going to adopt him. When they came to visit, they fell head over heels in love with him...which, secretly, is what I was hoping would happen. Mission accomplished, problem solved. He's going to love living on Lake Wylie...my parents have a huge yard, a big house and I know he'll be spoiled rotten!

Now that I don't have to worry about finding him a home anymore, it's time to find myself a new home. I've got until the end of August to get it all sorted out...which is plenty of time...but I'm having trouble finding a place that has everything I'm looking for. I can't remember if I ever explained why I have to move in the first place...the short version of the story is that the owner of the house I've been renting was pocketing my rent money every month and not paying his mortgage with it...so the bank foreclosed on the house and now I have to move out. The bank is giving us 90 days to move (from June 18th) so at least we didn't get kicked out on our keister's.

I went to an open house over the weekend and checked out a potential place. The owners of the property were nice but when they asked me if I was, "living in sin" I figured this probably wasn't the house for me. Their question startled me so much that I sort of laughed out loud...I thought, are you serious or are you messing with me? They were dead serious. I assured them that I wasn't and they seemed pleased to hear it...but they were totally creepy...like the kind of people who would set up hidden cameras to monitor for all sin-like behavior which might be going on without their knowledge. It's a shame too, the house was nice.

I have time...that's what I keep telling myself. I don't have to move right away. But it's inherent in my DNA to stress over the eventual, inevitable and impending things in life. Oh well, it'll all work itself out in the end, I hope.

For the next few days I've got enough to keep me occupied. The Beyonce concert is Thursday night, the American Idols Live concert is Friday night...hopefully I'll behave this year, unlike last, when I grabbed David Archuletta's thigh in a moment of temporary insanity. I'm still not sure why I did that. Poor thing, he looked terrified.

Three and a half month hiatus.

I'm baaaaack! What, it was only a three and a half month hiatus! I don't have a good reason for falling off the map...just happens sometimes I guess. And since I'm home on the 4th of July watching Adventures in Babysitting on VH1, I figured now would be an appropriate time to get back in the game.


I suppose I should start by catching you up to speed a little.


My witness protection roommate moved out. She stayed in Sacramento but "relocated" to a one bedroom apartment on the other side of town. My new roommate is a Muslim from Somalia...which is interesting considering I'm a southern Jew. I always say that our house is a mini United Nations. We are proof that not only can Jews and Muslims coexist, but can actually be friends with one another. She's two years younger than I am, which is fine but I do question her judgment sometimes. Within the first month of living together she had befriended a bonafide prostitute and a convicted rapist. I am not making this up.

I'm also doing much better at work than I was. I was struggling for a while with trying to settle in at my new station. I've been there about 10 months now and sometimes it still feels like I'm the only girl amongst an all-boys club...but my numbers are consistently strong and at least for right now, I feel pretty secure.

About a month ago I rescued a puppy from a military family who had less than 24 hours to find a home for their dog before being deployed to Germany. I've had him since Memorial Day weekend and there's a picture of him (with my dad) posted below. I've fallen head over heels for this dog but since I already have two of my own, I don't know if it would be fair to try to keep him and adequately care for all three. Luckily, when my parents were here to visit, they fell head over heels in love with him too and he will soon be living the good life with my mom and dad on Lake Wylie, SC.

The screenplay I wrote back in January made it to the top 25% of an international competition I entered it into. In the back of my mind I thought I might actually have a shot at placing, however, they just announced the semi-finalist round (comprised of the top 10%) and I didn't make that cut. Still, I don't think it's all that bad for my first shot at screenwriting. They said there were 5,400 entries this year...I am proud of making it as far as I did...still, the competitive drive in me wishes I had gone further. I just started working on my next project. It's called "19 Roommates" about the 19 roommates I've had since I moved out of my parents' house at 18. I'm not giving up on the writing...I refuse.

As for the future...well, let's just say I've got some other big things in the the works before the end of the year. No other details are available at this time but I promise to disclose more once it gets closer.

Happy 4th.

Help.

I'm such a slacker.

1). I've completely lost the motivation to keep up with a blog or start writing my next screenplay or stay on top of my e-mails.

2). My computer is still jacked-up and I've placed it in the hands of our radio station IT guy...now I'm scared I'll never see it again.

3). I think I have tendonitis and/or arthritis in my right hand from all of the texting and/or keyboard typing that I do.

4). I signed up for a damn Twitter account so now I have one more stupid social networking thingy I have to keep up with.

5). I have PMS.

6). The IRS is claiming they can't locate my tax return info when I try to check the status of it online which is starting to worry me.

7). And to top it off, the high school kids I've been workign with in the afternoons are being heinous brats right now...which I can only assume is attributed to a case of Spring Fever...and this makes me want to physically harm them all.

Help.

Beginning of the end.

WTF, WTF, WTF!!! It's official. I found my first gray hair today. I'm 27 years old. This isn't supposed to be happening!!! I almost had a heart-attack. I was standing in the bathroom at work and as I was washing my hands when I saw something shimmer in the mirror. I stared at it for a second, refusing to accept that it was what I thought it was. Then I yanked it out and marched right back in to the studio to take a picture of it. I'm not sure why I felt the need to take a picture, it was an instinctive reaction to the situation.

All I have to say is GOD DAMNIT!!! It's the beginning of then end, for sure...

Wishin' on a Star.

I saw a shooting star last night and for the first time in my entire life, I wished for money. I always swore I'd never be one of those people obsessed with making it, having it, spending it, or worshipping it but the one thing I know (right now) is that I'm miserable without it. Why does it have to be so stressful?

My roommate is moving out on Saturday so I've been spending the past two weeks trying to find a new roommate...the problem is...that the people who own the house I'm living in haven't been paying the mortgage and now the house is in forclosure. I can't move someone in knowing that we'll probably have to move out within the next couple of months. I'm trying to figure out if I should even pay my rent on March 1st. Isn't part of my rental agreement that I pay my rent every month (on time) based on good faith that the home owner is responsibly paying the mortgage which, in turn, provides me with a stable living environment?

The NOD (Notice of Default) was filed February 18th and it will probably be a month or two before it goes to auction. Once the house is sold I know they have to give me 60 days notice to vacate the premise but should I stay that long or should I move? I don't want to move. It's expensive to move and I drive a Beetle convertible...there's no way I could fit my California king bed, sectional sofa, TV cabinet, chest of drawers and loads of other crap in my teeny tiny car. This means I'd have to hire someone to help me move. Where does that money come from? My property management company won't give me my deposit back if I break my lease and move out early. I gave them a $1500 deposit...I need that back.

So that's one of my problems right now.

Then there was the botched lasik eye surgery debacle...my parents flew to San Francisco and while they were in Northern California I got my mom an appointment to have lasik done with the same doctor who did mine. They were only going to charge her $1,000 for both eyes. Great deal. The problem was that they were only able to do one of her eyes because she had a soft cornea in her other eye...but they didn't discover her bum eye until after they had cut into it. So basically, only one of her eyes is done which means she has to fly back out here in May to get the other one fixed after it heals. To make a long story short...it hasn't been the great experience I was hoping it would be for her. And let me make this clear: It wasn't the doctor's fault. There was no way they could have predicted that she had a soft cornea prior to cutting into her eye. That being said, I feel partly responsible for the discomfort she experienced while she was supposed to be on vacation. We spent the whole time they were on vacation going to and from the doctor's office, Lens Crafters, back to the doctor's office, back to Lens Crafters...we did this for three full days.

I came back to Sacramento this past Monday and started a second job. I work with a group of at-risk high school students in the afternoons and we're doing a program called the California Voices initiative. My students have to make a 4-6 minute documentary about a hero in their community so of course, they want to do their project on Kevin Johnson (the Mayor). This is turning into a very time-consuming second job. I have no idea how to use Movie Maker and all of the other video editing software so I've spent over 20 hours trying to get caught up. The good news is that I've been pulling every string I can to secure some time with KJ because if my kids are doing a project...they're going to do THE BEST project. What's so cool about the documentaries is that coming up in May, we're goign to have a big screening at The Crest Theater to show all of the projects.

And finally, I'm going to leave you with a picture of Moxie taking a bath recently...it makes me smile...and yes, I was in the tub with my dog. Is that weird?

Oh yeah and I decided to enter my screen play in two different contests. It's a longshot to win because they are both international competitions...but I paid a little extra to get judge's feedback. If I understand everything correctly, the judge's will take extra time to hand-write me notes about how I can make it better.

False alarm.

I normally wouldn't let a stupid holiday like Valentine's Day get to me but I have to say, this year was particularly difficult to get through. It all started yesterday when one of the guys I do the morning show Valentine's Day present. He needed me to go because he doesn't have a license or a car (btw - he's 30 years old) and if I didn't take him then his fiance would have to drive him to the store...and that wouldn't be very romantic. So I went over around 7:00 and took him shopping. We spent two hours picking out a necklace, some bath stuff, two sets of pajamas, her favorite candy and a card. How awful!

When we got back to their house, I made a really stupid decision. I decided, for some odd reason, that as a 27-year-old woman I should try hallucinagenic mushrooms (also known as shrooms) for the first time in my entire life. So I ate one...a stem and a cap...nothing happened. I even put it in between two Eggo mini's and made a little waffle shroom sandwich out of it to make sure I chewed it up really well. I didn't feel anything and I was too scared to eat another one. It was Friday the 13th...stranger things have happened...and at least now I can say I tried it one time.

And I don't know if was the shroom or the fact that I was dead tired, but I got THE best night's sleep last night. I passed out at 11:30 and woke up at 10:00 this morning on top of the 3 hour nap I took when I got home from work Friday afternoon!

Then I woke up this morning and decided to let my dogs out into the front yard because all of the rain over the past couple of days flooded the back. As soon as I opened the door I saw a big box from Flowers Direct. I got all excited. Who could they be from? My mind was racing just thinking about it. I picked them up and carried the box inside and just as I was about to tear into it...whoops...I noticed they weren't for me. False alarm. My roommate got two dozen beautiful roses from some guy she met on the internet who lives on the east coast. Well, good for her.

Then I went to work. I know I've been bitching about it on here since I found out I was scheduled...so yeah...work sucked. It was a bunch of people wanting to give "shout outs" to their significant others. I did get one dinner invitation from a guy named Ricky. I said no. The rule in radio is not to date listeners. Listeners who call radio stations trying to hit on the dj's are usually pretty creepy.

Anyways, I'm home now and it just occured to me that my parents didn't even call today! It's 8:00 at night and I'm home with my dogs. So happy Valentine's Day to all of you who worked today, or did drugs last night or had a false alarm this morning. All I have to say is, thank God it's almost over!!!

Flo Rida in the hizzle.

No one told me beforehand, that Flo Rida was coming in yesterday...and I have nothing substantial to base this on except my own intuition, but I suspect it was done on purpose. That's how chicks in radio are. Every other female that I work with came in all dolled-up which should have been the first clue that there was something I was unaware of...something I was missing. And when I casually mentioned: "Oh, I didn't know he was coming in today" our promotions director (who should have told me) pretended like she didn't hear the comment I had just made...and I was standing right beside her when I said it. If it legitimately had been a mistake, wouldn't she have apologized? That's what I would have done if I had legitimately forgotten to tell someone something that he/she should have known prior to it actually happening. Again, sometimes I get the feeling that radio chicks just like to hate on each other for no reason. I felt stupid. I was unprepared for the interview and my partner had to carry most of the dialogue...but whatever.

In other news, our studios are right down the street from the Arden Fair Mall so I drive past it on my way home everyday. There's a movie theater at the mall playing "He's Just Not That Into You" but I guess they couldn't fit the whole title on the marquee so it reads HE'S NOT INTO YOU. Damn, that's a harsher way of putting it. I got a good laugh out of the sign and I'm going to try to take a picture of it on my way home today so I can post it on here.

Other than that, there isn't much else to report. I have to work tomorrow (Valentine's Day) but I'm off on Monday. At least I'll have a reason to get out of the house for a couple of hours. I've got a lot to do before my parents get here on Wednesday.

I need a drink.

I'm sitting on my ass watching the Carolina / Duke basketball game right now. It's reminding me of when I was a student at UNC. College feels like it was so long ago. It took me five years to finish my degree in economics...good thing I stuck it out...it sure comes in handy when I'm surfing http://www.perezhilton.com/ every morning at work (insert sarcasm here). Although, my time in college is what lead me to a life in California so I guess it wasn't all bad. My problem was that I couldn't stay focused. I had just finished 13 years of school...I had graduated from high school with a 4.75 GPA and a Salutatorian title to go along with it. I got straight A's most of my way through school and by the time college rolled around, I just didn't feel like doing any more homework, projects, papers or presentations. But it was important to my family so I went through the motions...

Anyways, I'm 27 now and I'm hoping someday I'll understand why I wrote a 30 page analysis about hyperinflation in Zimbabwe.

If you've read the other posts I've put on here then you may remember when I was telling you about my dad's idea for me to move home and start a business with him...a coffee shop, to be more specific. Well now he's changed his mind and he's thinking that a Chic-fil-a would be more profitable. He's probably right, but the thought of quitting my exciting radio job to go home and run a fast food restaurant...hmmmm...I don't know about that. I'm still in the pro's vs. con's stage of the decision making process. The question I keep coming back to is: at what point do my long-term goals of financial stability and family involvement begin to outweigh the "fun" of being on the radio? And if it's already begun, when do I walk away from my life here to pursue the other things I aspire to have in my life? I'm not going to lie...I want to make money. I want to make real money. Radio is NOT the path to financial wealth. It is only lucrative for a select few...a common misconception among those who think we get paid a lot. We don't; especially now that the radio game has changed and talent is regarded as less and less important. The music is the star of any radio station...the people who talk are becoming more and more useless. In fact, I'm not convinced that someday there might not even be DJ's on radio stations. Everywhere I look there's more syndication, voice-tracking and out of market programming.

I've been making myself crazy over this decision.

Oh and to top it off, I just found that I've been scheduled to work an air shift on Saturday from 2 until 6 - Valentine's Day - yay. I hope this doesn't come-off sounding completely arrogant and ego-maniacal (is that even a word?) but I do mornings AND middays Monday through Friday. I'm on the air from 5:30 in the morning until 2:00 in the afternoon...and I don't get paid a dime for doing my 10-2 midday show. I didn't even get a bonus for having the #1 rated midday show in all of Sacramento. If you listen to almost any other radio station in the country, you'll hear a morning show...and then you'll hear an entirely different person doing the 10-2 shift...and guess what...that midday person gets paid a full-time salary! So I'm already getting ass raped by the company I work for by doing two FULL TIME air shifts for one measly salary, not to mention - I do all of the morning show's website postings and book us interviews...like Katy Perry...which I got yelled at for because after I was given permission to book the in-studio my boss forgot he told me I could have her come in and then decided I should not have been talking to Katy's record rep about what time she'd be coming in. Does that make any sense to you? Yeah, me neither. So excuse my lack of "team" attitude for not wanting to come in on Saturday...Valentine's Day...to work while all of the other full-timers have the day off.

I'm bitching and whining...I know...but I can't help it. It's easy to say, "Oh you're lucky to have such a cool job. You get to meet celebrities and go to concerts." And everyone who says/thinks that is correct...but nothing is perfect.

I can feel my blood pressure going up as I'm typing this so it might be time to call it a night. I need a drink.

Summer Lovin'

All I have to say is Fuck Monday mornings. It's 6:38 am right now and I've already been at work for two hours. The nice thing is that our studio is in a big tall office building so I get to watch the run rise every morning. That puts me in a good mood. We also face due east so we have a clear view of the Sierra Nevada's and on clear days you can see snow capped mountains in the distance...sometimes I look out at and realize how close I am to Lake Tahoe...the most gorgeous place I've ever been. That puts me in a good mood too.

I stayed up entirely too late last night watching the Grammy's. I was glued to the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama and it was in that moment, I realized how pathetic my life is...when I will stay up until 11:00 to find out all of the details about their fight even though I know my alarm will be going off at 3:45 the next morning. Needless to say, I'm hating life right now.

Anyways, it's a new week which means new and exciting goings on...we launched a new promotion this morning. It's a "Pay your Bills" contest where people can go on the website and sign up to have us pay their bills. That's the big news. Other than that, the only thing I have to report is that I received one of those random "blast from the past" e-mails over the weekend that pop-up every now and again. This one came from someone I dated when I was 19 years old...almost 10 years ago.

We met the summer we were camp counselors in upstate New York. I had just finished my freshman year at UNC and didn't want to move back home for the summer. So I applied to be a camp counselor. It was free room and board for 12 weeks plus you got paid like $1500. I definitely could have made more if I had gone back to the beach to wait tables at Blackbeard's Quarters but like I said, going home wasn't an option. So anyways, the counselors were brought up a full week before the first campers arrived. Half of the staff members were American college kids and the other half were international kids who came through a program called Camp America. Their deal was simple. They came to work at a summer camp for 3 months, earned a little bit of money and then they got an extra 3 months to travel the U.S. with the money they had earned. So basically, there were 250 staff members between the ages of 18 and 25...all with an appetite for foreign cuisine...if you know what I mean.

The Americans went straight for the internationals...an vice versa. I wound up with the 23-year-old Australian soccer coach. His name was Scott. He had such a thick accent taht when we'd have time off and we'd go out in town, I'd have to translate for him at restaurants because nobody could understand whathe was saying. What I remember most about our summer fling was the innocence. I lost my viriginity at 16 and at that time in my life I was pretty promiscuous...but Scott wasn't like that. We never slept together. It was just good, clean fun. Things got pretty intense for a lot of the couples and many of them remained together after the summer ended. In fact, a few years back two of the counselors who met that summer wound up getting married in Ireland (where he was from). Unfortunately that wasn't the case for Scott and myself. I was going back to school and I knew our time was fleeting. He came to me one night and suggested that he move to the United States so that we could get a place together. It kinda freaked me out because suddenly it all became really real...if that makes any sense...so I completely shut down on him. I treated him like shit and while I don't regret much in life...I do regret the way I treated him towards the end of that summer.

Well of course, life got busy and we'd keep in touch briefly through mass e-mails sent between counselors...but eventually those stopped coming and going.

To make a long story short, we lost touch for a while. Last time I heard from him was a couple of years ago and then a couple of weekends ago I was down in Modesto cleaning out my house when I found two letters he had written me the summer we were together. Memories came flooding back...there's nothing like a little summer lovin' from that past to make you all nostalgic...and then over the weekend I got an e-mail from him. I got all excited and e-mailled him back immediately.

The question is, now that we're both single...is it even worth exploring? It was so long ago...we've both changed so much...and we live half-way around the world from one another. Yet somehow I can't shake the memories of our summer together. It's probably just better to be cordial and check-in with another from time to time...

Personal Foul!

The morning show I'm a part of is called Wayne, Jay and Reagan in the Morning. Technically there are 5 of us (we also have a producer/street guy and a mixer). Half of our show got to go to the Grammy's this weekend so Jay and I are here by ourselves. At first I was a little butt hurt about not being able to go but I went last year and really, once was enough. Trust me, going to the Grammy's is not as exciting as it sounds. You don't get to use the same entrance as the celebrities so you never see them...I sat in the 300's section of the Staples Center so the performers and presenters on the stage looked like ants...and the parking situation in downtown LA was a NIGHTMARE. It was definitely worth the experience of being able to say that I went but I had more fun that weekend doing other things. But for the record, I still don't think it's fair that half of our show got an exciting weekend in LA while Jay and I are here in rainy Sacramento. Personal foul!

Anyways, tonight we all got invited to the Sacramento Kings game in honor of Chris Webber retiring his jersey. Then he's having a retirement party afterwards at Center Court (his restaurant). Tomorrow I'm going to clean out my car if it kills me and Sunday I have ringside tickets to WWE RAW and ECW Road to Wrestlemania at Arco Arena. I don't really want to go but I saw that The Miz is going to be wrestling and I'm pretty sure that that's Mike from the Real World and Road Rules Challenges...which I think it pretty interesting.

In other news, you may have noticed that I took down a post I put on here earlier this week. It was an e-mail that I wrote my ex after we hung out on Super Bowl Sunday...after going back and reading it again, I decided that even I have some things I should keep to myself...plus, I don't want this to turn into a place where I come to vent about a relationship I got out of a year ago. What's the point? Moving on.

Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you that someone showed up at my house yesterday looking for my roommate. It was a younger-looking girl who had flown to Sacramento from Washington DC. When she showed up at my house, she said that my roommate was expecting her so I let her in to wait until my roommate got home from work...which in retrospect was probably not the right decision...but what was I supposed to do? Well, when my roommate came home, she went berserk! It was a mess...and now my roommate is upset with me. Like I said, she's in witness protection and the public defender's office wasn't supposed to be able to locate her but somehow they did. It was major drama in my house yesterday.

Needless to say, I'm glad that the weekend is here!

Bleh.

Alright, let's get a little personal, shall we? I'm going to warn you now, this might be a little TMI for some of you as parts of it will be sexually explicit...but it's a real issue and I need to get it out. Here's what happened: my ex came up to Sacramento yesterday for the Super Bowl party I was telling you about (see last post). A few days before the game he tried to get me to engage in a little sexting...which as I understand it, is like phone sex executed via text messaging. I refused to participate because A). we're not together anymore and B). what good would it do? He was at work and we live an hour apart so it's not like the sexting would have or could have materialized into more. I told him that he needed to find someone he could have casual, meaningless, no strings attached sex with - but that that person wasn't me. It's not casual and meaningless to me...not when it comes to him...or when it comes to "us." I think that's a fundamental difference between men and women. So I turned him down even though it was extremely difficult. And I think he was surprised that I suggested he go search for ass elsewhere.

Then there was Saturday night...not long after I wrote the last post on here. We started texting back and forth to confirm times for Sunday and in a moment of temporary insanity...a complete lapse in judgment and common sense...I said that he could come up that night, after he got off work, and could stay the night. This was approximately 9:30 pm (around the time he was supposed to be leaving work...he's also a bartender on top of the modelling thing). He said had been thinking about coming up early but that the bar was still busy and he didn't think he'd be able to leave until more in the 10:30-11:00...then you'd have to add in an hour's worth of drive time...so we agreed that he should just come up Sunday morning before the game, but really he's the one who said no. Part of me felt rejected because I was the one who had thrown the offer out there and if he had wanted to come badly enough, he would have driven up no matter how late it was. I wasn't expecting him to say no but when he did, I figured it was a blessing in disguise because I knew (deep down) that it would have been a bad idea. I knew that one night of physical intimacy would have reversed some of the healing I've done since we split up a year ago. So I let it go and concluded that the window of opportunity had closed...the moment of temporary insanity had passed...and whether I felt slightly rejected or not, it was for the best.

Anyways, yesterday at the Super Bowl party it was just like old times. We were legitimately enjoying each other's company. I introduced him to my new co-workers...he held my hand and the more he drank, the more touchy feely he got. I was still a little bruised from being turned down Saturday night so I was determined to stand my ground on the "no hooking-up" rule, more than anything, just out of sheer spite. Plus, I didn't want to ruin the day we had just had...it was nothing short of perfect. We hadn't been able to hang out like that in a looooooong time. I felt like we made progress - real progress - towards building a friendship in the wake of our traumatic break-up.

When the game was over, we had both been drinking and as we were walking to our cars, he kissed me in the parking lot. Isn't it sad that that's all it took? He asked me if he could follow me back to my house to "make sure I got back alright" and of course, I said yes. It's almost painful for me to think about what happened after we left Center Court. It's something I'd rather just forget about at this point but I guess I might as well finish the story.

We got to my house and started watching Old School. By that point, we both knew what was going to happen next...

Next thing you know, we were upstairs going at it. He had had way more to drink than I had and even though I could taste the alcohol on his breath, he didn't seem out-of-control drunk. After about 30 minutes he lost all momentum...went totally limp...there, I said it. I felt like it was my fault. He kept saying that it was because he had been drinking but we have had sex in the past when he was way more intoxiacted than he was last night and that had never happened before...so it was weird. I couldn't help but think about the sexting conversation a couple of days prior that had failed to take-off and the night before the game when he had turned down my invitation to come to Sacramento and then, of course, the awkwardness of yesterday...it was messing with my head. He, on the other hand, was determined to keep it going so while I had completely checked out he was trying desperately to continue...which just made it even more frustrating. Finally I told him to stop. It wasn't working. We used to have such great sexual chemistry, we used to be so in-sync with one another...I kept wondering, had we lost all of that?

And just as we had arrived at a pivotal point in our day together, he did the worst thing I think he could possibly do...he just left. He didn't lay there and try to make conversation, he didn't try to console me or reassure me that it wasn't my fault. I can't say I blame him...I probably would have wanted to leave too. So now it's Monday morning and I haven't heard from him since he left last night. I guess, more than anything, I've realized that it's time to let go...I mean, really let go. Because I can't move on with my life while I'm still partially invested in the past and clearly the past has changed. We're not the same couple that used to be on fire for eachother. There's disconnect and awkwardness and rejection and once the system has been thrown out of balance, there isn't much than can be done realign everything. The sex was the one thing I knew we still had, the one good thing we could always come back to...which is a very unhealthy thing to cling to in a dying relationship...but it was something.

So I'm sitting at work this morning and I'm upset. I'm angry at myself for giving into the urge when I knew it was a bad idea and I promised myself I wasn't going to go there. I'm also sad that the last little spark from our flame has (seemingly) burned out. I know that if I'm going to let go, I have to let go 100% and not a single percent less. I owe it to myself to finally put the past three and a half years to rest so that I can focus all of my energy and attention on the future. But it's hard...just as hard right now as the day he left.

In life, sometimes we're the chasers and the clingers and the ones who will go down with the sinking ship rather than jump off to save ourselves. Other times we're the ones being chased. But whichever role we play, we have to know when it's time for the final curtain. And in all seriuosness, I know that that time has come for us...for the sake of my sanity and the sake of my happiness...for the sake of my future and for the sake of preserving the good memories I have from our time together.

And it also doesn't help that it's a Monday...bleh.