Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes

Let me catch you up to speed because a lot has happened since I last checked in. Here's a blog I started almost a month ago...which helps to explain where I was and what I was thinking at the time:

Monday Sept. 20, 2010

Well, I made it home. I left my little house near downtown Sacramento on Sunday the 5^th. I drove to Salt Lake City and spent the night with TJ. We got up Monday morning (Labor Day) and had breakfast at a place in the mountains. In the early afternoon I picked my friend Rebecca up at the SLC airport and we drove the rest of the way across the United States until I landed in Lake Wylie, SC on Thursday afternoon, the 9^th.

So I’ve been here for 11 days. Suffice to say, it feels like a hurricane blew through my life and left a path of destruction in its wake. I’m searching through the ruins and remains, hoping to stumble across something that I can build off of. I can’t lie, I feel a little lost…well, actually…I feel a lot lost. I know I wasn’t happy in Sacramento. I know I wasn’t happy at my old station. But I’m not convinced this is the right place for me either.

All of my “stuff” is in my mom and dad’s basement. I stayed at their house for a week and a half and we all almost killed each other…things are still tense. They feel like I don’t appreciate everything they’ve done for me. They feel this way because for the past few days I’ve been kinda down…second guessing myself and my decision…feeling scared and overwhelmed…uncertain. I guess I haven’t been as happy and over-the-top as they think I should be. But see, I’m an internalizer. I think a lot and I hold it all in…I’m still processing everything that’s happened and I find myself becoming withdrawn because it’s just easier to keep myself quiet in times of chaos. That, and if people really knew the thoughts that ran through my head they’d think I was crazy…I find it better only to share those thoughts with people like myself who understand from whence they originate.

Yeah, so my parents and I are in the midst of one big misunderstanding right now. I don’t know how to make it better. Actually, I do know what I should be doing and saying to express my appreciation but acting has never been my forte. Could I fake it? Probably. It’s just not my style.

Anyways,

That's as far as I got. Things with my parents got a little tense towards the end. Luckily I was only home for a couple of weeks before an opportunity came along.

I was pretty convinced, upon moving home, that maybe radio just wasn't for me anymore. I didn't feel the passion for it that I had once been love-drunk with. But sometimes, just sometimes, you accidentally realize that it never left...it was there all along...it was just lying dormant...silent and undetectable...waiting for the right time to come back bigger, better and stronger than ever.

And that's what happened to me.

I got a call from someone I used to work for 6 years ago in Raleigh, NC. She told me about a radio station in Charleston, SC that was looking for some "fresh blood." This station needed someone young with a bold personality and even bolder ideas. In Sacramento, I felt stripped of having free reign over my creative freedom. I was told exactly what to do and say. It wasn't fun. And if you're the type of person who lives and breathes and thrives off of the ability to express yourself then you can see how that scenario would be less than appealing.

So I expressed an interest in the job my former boss told me about.

I came down on Friday, September 24th (just 4 days after I started the post above) and interviewed for the job. The interview lasted two and a half hours. I felt a warmer reception in the two and a half hours I was in that building than in the two and a half years I lived in Sacramento. After I had met with the higher-ups I went back to my hotel and got a call with an official offer about 5:30 that same afternoon.

I said yes.

I spent the next week traveling between Charlotte and Charleston, trying to find a place to live. I wanted to start my new job as soon as possible. I found a house on Isle of Palms (my station is actually located in Mt. Pleasant) and I now live directly across the street from the beach. I walk out my front door, cross Palm Blvd, and have my toes in the sand.

And the job is great too...actually, it's better than great.

I feel like I (somehow) found the perfect place...for me, at least. I may have not changed latitudes but I did change coasts to find real changes in attitudes.

That was a crazy game of poker.

So far today I have ripped all of my fake nails off and bitten my real nails down so low that my fingers throb with every stroke of this keyboard. I also went and saw Eat Pray Love. I took my dogs to the park...oh yeah...and I quit my job. I guess I should rewind to the night of the Rihanna show and explain what actually happened. I know I made reference to something "ridiculous" that went down. I think you could probably use that night as a jumping off point to understand what lead to my resignation today. Although technically I'd have to say that there are a series of events reaching all the way back to September of 2008 which, when added together, culminated in my departure.

There are people who will say I'm crazy. With the current economic climate and stalled job market, why would anyone choose to be unemployed right now? The simple answer I have is that my sanity isn't worth a paycheck.

I could launch into some self-righteous diatribe about the whole thing but what good would that do? The reasons behind the decision aren't as important as the future so I'll keep that to myself. I know why, that's all that matters.

I'm leaving California on Sunday.

I'll be back in NC by Friday.

Sometimes, in the poker game of life, you have to fold a good hand to win the tournament.

That Rihanna Reign Just Won't Let Up

Well I lied. I guess if you want to see my Alaska pictures you'll have to go check them out on my facebook page or something. I will, however, proudly post a picture of me and my new BFF...Rihanna...maybe you've heard of her? But I won't even launch into the story behind this picture because only T.J. will completely understand the true absurdity of it and she's already heard me lament about it over the phone.


Anyways, for those of you who thought I might have already gone back on the things I said in my last post, I assure you that that hasn't happened. I still firmly believe I did the right thing (in regards to the ex) and stand behind my decision 100%. In fact, I was down in Modesto earlier today hanging around my old stomping grounds for the afternoon and for the first time in years I didn't stop in to see him at work...or text him to let him know I'd be in town...or even think about him at all, really. Besides, it was a quick trip. I checked on my house, talked to my renters, dropped off a birthday present, hit a doctor's appointment and then drove straight back to the 916.

There's also a new boy in the picture. I won't spend too much time talking about him on here because I don't know yet how short-lived this is going to be...and if it only lasts a little while then I'm not going to waste too much energy thinking/obsessing over him...especially since I haven't heard from him since he left my house Saturday morning. Time will tell.

This weekend I really want to go to Lake Tahoe for the Rascal Flatts show but I'm committed to hosting and judging the State of California Karaoke Championships...try not to get too jealous. If anyone happens to be at the CA State Fair (Cal Expo) on Saturday, come find me. I'll be at the Promenade Stage starting at 10 a.m. Jesus help me.

Case closed.

I've been home from Alaska for exactly one week and I'm ready to go back. I never thought I'd love it as much as I did. It was more than a vacation for me. Something happened on the trip that I never saw coming. The funny thing about leaving your everyday life...breaking the routine, blocking out the noise and detaching from it all...is that sometimes you gain a new perspective on things that have bogged your down for months (or even years). It's like someone takes a Polaroid snapshot of your life, hands it to you as you're boarding the plane and somehow, someway, in the few days you're gone you're able to step out of the stillness of the picture and look at everything around you from a third party viewpoint. Things you never noticed before become painfully obvious. This probably isn't making any sense so I'll try to explain it a different way.

Up until the day I left for Alaska I was contemplating my future with my ex. We were spending a lot of time together...he still has all those same boyish qualities I found so appealing when I met him 5 years ago. Now, let me pause here and say that I realize some of you reading this know my ex personally and some of you know nothing about him. For the latter group, here's a little background info. My ex is a male model. A real one. He's one of the most (physically) beautiful human beings I've ever laid eyes on. I remember the night I met him. I couldn't believe that someone so insanely gorgeous was really just a big goof ball. And he was equally intrigued by me. I was this homegrown southern spitfire with a million flaws but an honesty about them all that he embraced regardless. We gravitated to one another with such force...I'm not sure if I'll ever feel that again...as it was electric. I can't say I fully believe in love at first sight but it was the closest I had ever been to something slightly resembling it...or at least, it was definitely a classic case of lust at first sight.

So when he came back into my life a couple of months ago and apologized and admitted that he fully regretted what happened between us...I found myself getting sucked right back into that dangerous vortex of attraction, comfort, familiarity, genuine feelings and of course...a dash of aphrodisia. For those of you who have never experienced it, believe me when I say that concupiscence can be more addicting than the most addictive drug.

Anyways, the day before I left for my trip he was texting me incessantly. He wanted to "get together" which meant he wanted to hook-up. I don't know why the urgency struck him right before I left. Maybe it was a hint of the "what if, by some minimal chance, she decides not to come back and goes straight home with her family" that got to him. Maybe it was the weeks of innocent flirting back and forth that had finally taken its toll and re-ignited the desire. Or maybe it was a combination of things...I'm not really sure. Here's what's interesting about all this. My old self would have given in and told him to come to Sacramento for the night. But the new me, who still had bags to pack and errands to run, told him he'd have to wait until I got back.

And I meant it.

I had been holding out for a couple months. Maybe it was finally time to give in and be with him again...just to see if it was the same...if it would feel the same. I knew it was dangerous. There were any number of outcomes that could have resulted from us "going there" but still, something inside me told me to make him wait. So I left on Thursday June 10th with the intention of revisiting my old "stomping grounds" when I got back from my trip.

But this is where the story gets really interesting. Somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (and about half-way through Eat, Pray, Love) I made one of the most definitive and final decisions of my entire life. I literally just knew that it was time to let him go, cut it off, release him (or both of us) from the unseen hook that had snagged us both by the cheek and was reeling us in towards a place neither of us really wanted to go. I can't even really put in to words what I experienced or why it happened or how I knew it was time...but I just knew. There's a passage in Eat, Pray, Love that says:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

And listen, I'm not one to read a profound statement and instantly start to shape and mold my entire life around it but those words spoke to me. My ex did change my life for the better (which some of you already know about). He helped me arrive at that perfect destination at that perfect time six months ago. He did his job, played his part, and he changed my life forever. But on my trip I realized it was time to say goodbye for good. Part of me will always love him. Part of me will always wonder about what our life together would have been like 30, 40, 50 years down the road. But an even bigger part of me got smacked in the face by the realization that a pivotal moment was on the horizon.

I came home exactly 7 days ago.

He was ready and waiting to take me up on my offer. You know, the "you'll have to wait until I get back" offer...

But I told him I couldn't go through with it.

I explained that our friendship and fondness of one another meant more to me than sex. And of course he didn't believe me. He used every trick in the book to convince me otherwise. I stood my ground. I said, "I'm not going to change my mind later tonight, or in a couple of days, or next week...or six months from now. We have to let each other live our separate lives now. I'm serious."

Case closed.

He hasn't spoken to me since Tuesday. We've gone longer without communicating in the past but this time it's different. This time I dictated the terms of "us" and this time (instead of always giving in to him) I spoke with authority and a power I haven't unleashed in a long time.

And it felt really fucking good.

PS - I will post Alaska pictures tomorrow, I promise.

Kiss My Couture

I spent my weekend preparing for my upcoming trip to Alaska. Yesterday was supposed to be all about picking up a few necessities to take with me. Today was all about returning the $600 worth of clothes I bought yesterday (none of which could be classified as necessary). I'm not usually a buy-and-return kind of shopper but apparently my body was temporarily possessed by some kind of shopping demon...or something...I don't know...I don't really remember. It was all such a blur. I think I vaguely recall floating from store to store splurging with the uninhibited spirit of high school seniors on prom night.

In any event, I woke up this morning in a panic. I got dressed and was literally standing outside the entrance to Nordstrom at 10:55 a.m. waiting for them to open at 11:00. In my state of delusion yesterday I purchased a $220 Juicy velor track suit that said Kiss My Couture on the ass of the pants, a pair of $190 True Religion jeans, an $80 pair of Vivienne Tam leggings and a couple of shirts. Let's start with the Juicy outfit. It was hot pink. I am a 28 year old woman who is entirely too old to be wearing a hot pink velor track suit with Kiss My Couture written across the ass...I know this. It looked like the kind of ensemble you'd see on one of the Jersey Shore cast members. It was loud, gaudy, and made me look like I was trying to pass (unsuccessfully) for 17 again. I returned it. I also returned the shirts and $80 leggings. Yes, you read and heard me correctly...EIGHTY DOLLARS FOR LEGGINGS!?!?!?

The only thing I kept was the pair of jeans because a girl, no matter how old, can never let a good pair of jeans go. And these jeans, somehow, someway, make my ass look like I've never seen it before...award-winning.

Anyways, after I returned all of my mistakes from yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to get a book. I figured I might need a little escape. I love my family more than anything in the world, but 10 days with them could very well be the death of me. When I walked into the store I was immediately approached by a very ice looking guy. "Excuse me, do you have a minute?" he asked. I should have politely shrugged him off but he was cute. He was selling some new Kindle-like device which I had absolutely no interest in but like I said, he was cute. So I listened to his sales pitch and wasted a good 15 minutes doing that while I was thinking about what I'd like to read on my vacation. I had almost decided on The Carrie Diaries - the prequel to the Sex and the City franchise before I realized that that book is sold in the "Teen Reading" section next to the vampire books. I just couldn't, not after the near-disaster I had just avoided with the Juicy velor track suit purchasing incident.

So I went with Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I know it's over-hyped and I'm a couple of years late to the party but better late than never, I guess.

The only thing I really need to do now is get a better memory card for my camera so I can take lots of pictures.

Oh, and in case you were wondering. Yes, I am still hanging out with my ex. And yes, I am still undecided about whether or not I'm making a huge mistake. We went to the Tim McGraw concert together last weekend and the strangest part about being around him now is that it feels like we've started all over again...back to where we were 5 years ago. We don't kiss, we don't hook up, we don't sleep together...but he has let me know that all of those options are available should I so choose. And choosing not to has been difficult because I'm still more attracted to him than I have been to anyone else I've ever met. However, the innocence of our interactions is kind of nice. It's not complicated or messy. And I know that as soon as I allow myself to wander into that gray area again I'm in trouble...so for now, we remain two people who used to share our lives together...two people who haven't completely let go...but don't really know what we're holding on to. And I guess that's ok...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Here's what I know about relationships: they're not based on Adam Sandler movies. When they're over you don't get chased on to an airplane where your (almost) ex sings "Grow Old With You" over the intercom system. I think those romantic comedies should come with alternate endings...the real life version...where the girl goes to leave and asks the guy, "Are you gonna chase me?" and he replies coldly, "Probably not." Now that's an ending I can relate to and I know it's a pessimistic view, but 99% of the time things end for a reason; people don't suddenly realize that they just can't let that certain someone get away, showing up at the last possible second before it's too late. So most of the time couples break-up, go their separate ways and eventually let go of old feelings thus moving on to new relationships. It's real life.


Why am I talking about this?


Well, because I thought my last "real" relationship was over. I had gotten on the plane, it had pulled away from the gate and even though my eyes were roaming over the other passengers hoping to see him sitting a few rows away (guitar in hand, ready to play) he wasn't there. So I moved and then I moved on even though, at the time, I didn't want to.


Then, a little over a month ago, I got a phone call...out of the blue. It came, the apology I had been waiting a long time for. What's happened since then has been interesting. I don't think either of us knows exactly what we're doing. My friends and family seem to fall into three distinct categories. There are those who think I'm an idiot...making a huge mistake (my parents are in this group). There is a group in the middle who abide by the "proceed with caution" credo and the remaining are the romantics, they see this as God's will. I have mixed feelings.


Does it feel good to spend time with him again? Absolutely.


Are things different now? Yes.


Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Both.


Where do we go from here? I don't know.


Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Sometimes I think people might deserve a second chance. The rest of the time I try not to over-analyze this the way I do everything else in my life. But enough about relationship drama...


I don't think I ever posted pictures of my new toy. I bought a Ford Escape Hybrid because I can't deal with my little matchbox of a car anymore...even if it was the convertible I had dreamed about owning since the time I was a little girl.



This SUV makes me feel socially responsible...I love it.

What's wrong with me?

Mother's Day was yesterday. I called my mom when I woke up. It was 8:00 my time, 11:00 hers. I did it on purpose. I knew that calling before noon meant that my parents wouldn't be at my grandma's house yet and I wouldn't have to play the "pass the phone around to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day" game. It gets redundant. If I call early enough, I don't have to deal with all the aunts and cousins...breeders, who all have children and therefore, are all mothers. I also get to avoid the dreaded question, "When are you going to settle down and have a family?" Little do they know...

Lately I've been feeling stuck, restless. It's time to go again. I'm anxious, like I'm about to jump out of my skin. I've had irrational thoughts recently. Maybe I should quit my corporate job, give up my corporate salary and go to work as a flight attendant. Travel the world and live life out of a suitcase. If the pay weren't so bad, I might actually consider it. I looked up the salary averages for women who work as cabin crews...are you ready for this? According to what I saw, in your 20th year as a flight attendant for Delta you can expect to earn around $42,000. I make double that and I'm not even 30 yet. I'm not bragging, just stating a fact.

This is what makes my predicament so fascinating. If I'm willing to give up the paycheck, I can do anything I want. The irony of my situation is that I (very foolishly) believed that by the time I reached this point in my career I'd be on top of the world. I thought that if I worked hard and established myself I'd have potential employers throwing themselves mercilessly at my feet, begging me to come work for them. What was I thinking? That naivety couldn't have been further from the truth. In reality, companies don't want to pay for large(er) market talent. They'd rather promote from within...the intern who has worked for free for 2 years...or hire someone inexperienced who can be low-balled into taking a smaller salary. I get it. I'm happy for the ones getting their foot in the door, their "break."

I have to stop and ask myself: Where is all this coming from? Am I always going to be one of those women who can't settle or stay put in one place for too long? Or is it just a natural reaction to the natural progression of getting older? I'm coming up on 30. Maybe that's making me a little nuts. Or maybe there really is something missing. I have friends who are married with children and they don't seem to wrestle with this nonsense.

Anyways, my schedule is still hectic. I've gotten through my two trips to NC. Weddings are NOT my thing so it was painful...which is putting it nicely. I seem to be missing the "females love weddings" gene because I'd rather go get a pap smear than attend a wedding. I don't know why that is...like I said, I'm pretty sure there's something inherently wrong with me. That's the best explanation I can come up with.

I'm heading to Tahoe this weekend. Next weekend is my boss' wedding in Carmel. The weekend after that I'm committed to San Francisco. First weekend in June might be another trip to Tahoe with the ex...he has suddenly expressed an interest in trying to rekindle our relationship...I probably won't go. And then it's off to Alaska for 10 days.

New Developments

Here we are, almost half way through March. Interesting. Things got a little hectic there for a minute which is why I haven't checked in. The good news is that now I have a lot to talk about:

I'm back to doing mornings and middays at work. This time I got a 20% salary increase.

My brother and sister-in-law flew out here and we spent a few days at Lake Tahoe.

I got swine flu.

AND...

The roommate from hell.

1). WORK - New developments have occurred. Last time I did mornings and middays, I wasn't given a choice. I was told, "You have to do this or your job is probably at risk." I didn't get paid any extra for doing double the work and it left a bad taste in my mouth. On a lighter note, I took the show to #1 in the ratings and did enjoy my extra bonus money. Then one day they came to me and said I was being pulled off middays (which I suspect is because my boss needed to make room on the staff for his friend). Fine. I wasn't getting compensated for the extra work anyways so I might as well go back to doing one show. Well, the person who took over middays tanked it and as of right now, the show is in 8th place. So about two and a half weeks ago my boss came to me and this time (unlike last) made an official offer for me to return to the show I worked hard to build up last year. This time there's a better bonus structure and a pretty significant raise involved. I gladly accepted.

Anyways, as with any job there are reasons why I love what I do and there are reasons I hate it. Let's start with the positive. My job makes me laugh almost everyday. Our stunt guy had to go out promoting the new movie "Our Family Wedding" and we had him dress up like a bride.

Ridiculous.

On the flip side, I work with some of the biggest jackasses in the entire world. There's something about being on the radio that causes inflated egos and "dirty old man" syndrome. Case in point: my boss' friend...the one who was brought on to our staff when he got fired from his last station. He's almost 40, thinks he's 19. The other day I found this while looking for our station contact list because I needed to call my engineer with a transmitter question. I was flipping through a binder when I came across this little gem:

Now, there might be another explanation for this...but I can't think of what it might be. My best guess is that this tool decided to sit down and make a list of his sexual conquests for the week. Keep in mind he's almost 40 and these girls are probably in their early 20's. After I took a second to process what I was looking at, I had to take a picture of it because I doubt anyone would believe me if I tried to describe the list without proof. He thinks he's funny, he thinks he's smart and he thinks he's hot...none of which are words I'd ever use to describe him.

I think it's sad, pathetic and disgusting. I wish I could record some of the things he says. At least he's my friend on Facebook so I can read his status updates, roll my eyes and sigh out of sheer repulsion. It makes my stomach turn that this idiot is one of my peer's. He's the type of person who gives our profession such an obnoxious reputation.

2). TAHOE - Can I just say that Lake Tahoe is one of the most amazing places I've ever been? I love it there so much I can't stand it. If I do wind up moving back to the east coast, I will miss random weekends at LT. My brother and sister-in-law were here so we got a place for a couple of nights. They wanted to ski and I'm more of an extreme snow boarder...not...but I do like walking around, gambling, snow mobiling, and hanging out. It was gorgeous!


3). SWINE FLU - let me preface this by saying that I was never actually tested or diagnosed with H1N1 but I was put on Tamiflu which is what they prescribe to treat the swine. I thought I was dying. I hadn't been that sick in SO LONG. It happened the week before my brother flew out. I had to take a few days off work. I was given a sars mask and told to stay out of the general population and even now, over a week later, I still feel pretty bad. It's that last little part of a cold/flu that seem to linger forever.

And finally...

4). THE ROOMMATE FROM HELL - I don't have the time nor the energy to launch into this story right now. It'll have to wait until next time...but I promise it's good.

Who knows...

Here's a question: where did January go? New Year's felt like it was yesterday. I literally woke up this morning and thought, "Holly shit...it's February?"

First up, the new bedding. I call the look "an introduction of color" as I've only really ever had warm, neutral, earthy tones in my room. This is definitely different...for me, anyways.

Next up, I bought my two tickets to N.C. for April and May to go home for Rebecca's wedding. I was hoping to be living in Charlotte by that time but I couldn't risk waiting too long (to see which coast I'd be on) and paying out the yin yang if I'm still in California. I also booked my trip to Seattle for the Alaska trip in June. At first I was dreading 8 days in Alaska but people keep telling me it's going to be amazing. Plus, it's for my mom and dad's 60th birthdays AND their 34th wedding anniversary so as long as I'm hanging out with them I'm sure it'll be all good. I'm a little worried about my mom and sister-in-law though. They're not really the outdoorsy types and I don't know how much high-end shopping there is in Seward.

All I have to do is make it through the end of March and then I've got a really busy few months.

In the meantime, I decided to try my hand at indoor rock wall climbing. I joined a place called Pipeworks Climbing and Fitness and so far I really like it. I don't know if it will turn into a lifelong hobby or anything, but this year is about trying new things and clinging to my youth like it's going out of style.

And finally, I realized yesterday that you know your life is taking a turn for "uninteresting" when the highlight of your weekend is successfully making spaghetti squash for the first time...and then bragging about it to my friends like it was a real accomplishment. In a quest to hone my culinary skills I'm also thinking about signing up for a "French Country" cooking class. It's either that one or the "All Vegetarian" (not because I want to be a vegetarian but because I'd like to learn how to make vegetables less boring, in general).

Anyways, I'm at work right now...and in case you're wondering how that's going...well, it's ok. I have nothing major to complain about. Things have been going pretty well. I think my aversion to this job comes down to two main deterrents. The first being that I don't want to live in Sacramento anymore. I want to be closer to home. The second being a sense of social responsibility...which scolds and nags me every time I read a story on perezhilton.com and reminds me that I should be doing something of substance...something that actually makes a difference. Radio is fun but it's far from humanitarian. Perhaps my next career path will take me into the non-profit sector. Who knows...

Come what may...

Holy crap. It's almost halfway through January and I've definitely been neglecting my trusty friend here. It's been an incredibly busy year so far, and it just started so I'm excited that we're off to such an eventful couple of weeks.

I had surgery at the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a couple of days. My mom flew out and stayed with me for 6 days...and for those of you who know me (and my family) you know that that's a long time for me and my mom to be in each others company. I was worried we'd have a "Muir Wood incident" referring to the time she and my dad came out to visit and she screamed at me in the middle of the Muir Woods (in front of several terrified tourists). For such a petite woman, she can be pretty vicious. Anyways, all was well this time and I was relieved. She did tell me that I needed new bedding because my comforter was in "unacceptable" condition. Whatever. I have two dogs. They jump on my bed. It's not dirty, it's just a few years old. But she was right so I ordered new stuff. Pictures to follow shortly...

Work has been going extremely well...eerily well. After my surgery I took a week off work and my coworkers all seemed genuinely excited that I was back on Tuesday, even the ones I don't always get along with. I didn't quite know how to receive this at first...but decided to just enjoy it instead of suspiciously questioning their reaction to my return.

I feel optimistic about 2010 so far. I know this year is going to bring a lot of new adventures and I look forward to whatever comes my way. I realize this is a disappointing first post for the New Year...especially since I've been absent for a couple of weeks...but it's late and I've got to get to bed. Fear not, there will be plenty for me to talk about in the coming weeks - promise!

A Very Merry Christmas.

Well I know I said that I probably wasn't going to be doing too much more blogging before the end of the year but it's Christmas and I'm at work and nobody else is in the building and since there's no one to talk to, I wound up turning to the one place where I feel I can be myself and speak candidly about anything I feel like talking about.

I just got off the phone with my family. They're all gathered at my Uncle David's house in Sanford. My younger cousin just got engaged and upon hearing the news I was instantly relieved that I wasn't there to feel like the familial leper...the one pushing 30, single and living a like an untamed savage on the west coast. Even if that isn't their opinion of me, sometimes it's easier to assume that it is.



So far, I've thoroughly enjoyed my quiet Christmas. The only thing that really sucks is that everything is closed today. If I could go get a cup of coffee from Starbucks and hang out at home watching old movies all day, I'd be happy as a clam. Last night I saw "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time ever. My friend Jenny said that a lot of people cry upon watching it...but I didn't. It actually made me grateful for the life I have out here. Sure, I get homesick sometimes and sure I get lonely...but at the end of the day I can say that I did it. Poor Geroge Bailey. Even in his happy ending he never got to do all of the things he dreamed of.



Anyways, I brought my dogs to work with me because my IT guy still has my laptop (see last post) and as I'm sitting here I can tell they're starting to get antsy. I took a picture of Parker sitting in a chair across from me a few minutes ago and he might be hard to see against the purple chair...but I did find one thing particularly amusing.







Look at the magazine in front of him. I said, "Parker are those your homies?" and he cocked his head to the side like he understood. God, I love this dog.

Rock on.

Christmas in California is an interesting experience. Besides Christmas lights on palm trees, I've also noticed an over-abundance of Raider nation themed Christmas paraphernalia. Case in point, our studio decorations. Please notice all of the liquor bottles under the tree. Classy.


Well, this will probably be my last post of 2009. I finished out the year with a pleasant little trojan virus on my laptop so my IT guy has had my computer for about a week now. I figure I'll be lucky to have it back sometime in January.

Last week I made a trip to San Francisco to see some friends. We had dinner at The Cliff House and it was the best night I've had in a long time. Years from now when I've long left CA and have a normal life back home I'll remember the four of us sitting at our table overlooking the Pacific...laughing and talking. For a moment, it felt like a scene from a movie. Three radio dj's and a Capitol Records rep (just hours after learning of her promotion) sharing our work stories...a bitchy Katy Perry, meeting Janet Jackson, and groping Lenny Kravitz. If you're ever in San Francisco make sure you have dinner at The Cliff House...it's majestic.


This past weekend we did a charity event with Danny Glover. It was a Christmas dinner giveaway for struggling single-parent families in Northern California. My biceps were burning after slinging 16 pound frozen turkeys for three hours...of course that's the job I would get. Every time the frozen turkey bin started running low, I'd grab three or four (if I could carry that many) from the truck parked outside in to where they were being distributed...yeah, I broke a sweat but it was worth it.


And finally yesterday was our ugly holiday sweater party at work. And yes, I tied for best ugly sweater with one of my co-hosts. We each got Rock Band 2 Special Edition bundles and I almost cried I was so excited. The only problem is that I don't own a Play Station (which I definitely have to have to play my Rock Band on). Never fear, I'll track one down somehow and I will spend my Christmas on a world tour!

Rock on.

Ms. Grinch

We're having an ugly sweater holiday party at work this year. Everyone is acting like this is some amazingly original idea, which it is not. I don't have the heart to tell them that people have been doing these types of soirees for years. The impending party, however, presents a problem for me as I do not own a sweater of the Christmas persuasion...ugly or otherwise. So I've decided to make my own instead of purchasing one from God-knows-where. This is the picture I will be using:

These are actually two of my coworkers and this is the (photoshopped) picture used on the party invitation that has been circulating around our office. The guy in the blue is my boss and the guy in the red is our producer. I hope I win the ugly sweater contest...I think you get a $10 gift card or something for winning and if nothing else, I should get points or creativity. And if I'm not able to pull it off, I have a back-up plan. My plan B is a t-shirt which simply reads, "Happy Birthday Sweet Litte 8 Pound 6 Ounce Baby Jesus." I'm somewhat concerned that that shirt would offend some of the hardcore thumpers I work with...but I would think it was funny...and even if I didn't win with that one, I think it would be a nice conversation piece.

Well one of the things I will never get used to (living in California) is Christmas on the West Coast. They put lights on palm trees!

Not only that, but I saw a guy dressed up like Santa Claus...he was one of those sign holders who stands on a street corner advertising for stuff...anyways he had the beard, the hat, the glasses, the black gloves...and then he had on red gym shorts and flip flops. WTF...it's Christmas...put on some damn red velvet pants and black boots for Christ's sake!

One thing I have to admit, is that the holidays make me a little testy. It's got to be some kind of weird combination of holiday stress mixed with general exhaustion resulting from too many months of working with no vacation time...add in some cold weather and the obligatory gift-giving traditions with friends, family and coworkers...I tell you, it's enough to make me a little nutty. I gave some poor woman the "death stare" in Target the other day because she couldn't decide which Zhu Zhu pet to buy. Lady, it's a robotic hamster...it does not matter to little Timmy Tommy if you get Mr. Squiggles or Num Nums or Chunk or Pipsqueak...two weeks from now when these stupid little toys are irrelevant and your kid doesn't want anything to do with them anymore you'll regret wasting your time (and mine) deciding which one to buy...now move your damn cart out of my way before I hurl this economy size bottle of Ultra Tide 96 Load at your head!

See what I mean? Testy.

Well, I better get back to work now. I'm starting to get myself all worked up.

Cooled off

Well the good news is that I'm feeling much better since my last post on here. I'm coming off of a four day weekend feeling recharged thanks to the Nintendo Wii and Beatles Rock Band. I'm just saying, whether you need a guitar player or a drummer...I always score in the 90th percentile...so think about it. I wish we had recorded video of the 4 drunken fools singing Come Together. It was epic.

Back to work today.

Now that I'm not doing middays anymore, I have something I can focus my time and energy towards. Every year our station picks a charity and does some kind of community service for the holidays. Last year we did a canned food drive in honor of Brenden Foster, we called it Brenden's Wish. Great cause...great intentions...complete cluster fuck when it came to execution. I wasn't going to let that happen this time around.

I pitched the charity idea at a meeting we had recently. Considering I was the most prepared, they kind of had to pick mine. So we're going to be doing a "Change for the Children" campaign for the Sacramento Children's Home. I went this morning and toured their facility...it reminded me of a run-down summer camp and made me sad for the kids who live there. Their residential program is for the extreme of extreme cases of abuse and neglect. The kids are in custody of the state and have been tossed around to several foster homes with unsuccessful placements...thus, landing at more of an institution than a home.

They are currently facing a $750,000 cut in funding due to the disaster that is commonly referred to as "our state budget."

So that's what I'll be focusing on until the end of the year.

Other things I'll be looking forward to: American Idol starts in January and that's all I can think of for now.

Used and abused.

Well, well, well...here we are the week of Thanksgiving 2009. I started this blog approximately 11 months ago and I'm definitely feeling the end-of-the-year burnout. But alas, now is the time to rally the troops because the holiday season just seems to require extra energy...more so than any other time of the year. I won't be going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas because I need to save my vacation days for next year. More on *that* in a minute. So this week, as in weeks past, I will be hanging out in Sacramento with Parker and Moxie. I do not plan on cooking a turkey, nor will I be watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade...rather, I plan on consuming copious amounts of wine and trash TV.




But before we get too far into Thanksgiving details, let me back up for a minute.



Recently I was invited to attend my first NBA basketball game. The Sacramento Kings people decided that they wanted to forge a working relationship with some of the local radio personalities, fearing that without our help ticket sales for this season would be even more dismal than in seasons past. I mean, we're in a recession. Who can afford tickets to NBA basketball games...especially in Sacramento...with a team that's been struggling? The Kings PR people held a meeting with us to go over ideas about how we could build "personal relationships" with the players and invited us to attend the King's home opener against Memphis. They gave us great seats and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

But as great as the game was...by far...the best part of the night was finding out who we were sitting behind. Alright, see the guy in the black leather bomber jacket and the white hat...he's sitting courtside beside the guy in the purplish-blue shirt? Know who that is? That's Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger, the guy that the movie Rudy was about!!! I just thought that was something special. He waved to us a couple of times and gave me the thumbs up when I got put up on the jumbo-tron (also a very thrilling experience) near the end of the game.

So that was fun.

Last week I went to two movie premiere's. I did The Blindside on Tuesday and The Twilight Saga: New Moon on Wednesday. They're not really premiere's...more like sneak peeks where you get to see it a couple of days before it officially opens in theaters. The radio stations in our company give away these screening passes so when you show up, everyone in the theater is "a listener." This can be quite the ego-booster because everyone treats you like you're a big deal...when in reality...it's just a movie theater in Sacramento on a Tuesday night. You stand up in front of the audience before the movie starts, you introduce yourself, thank everyone for coming, give away a few prizes, and then harvest a nice, big round of applause...all for you...and it feels good. I see why so many people who do this for a living, over time, start to think that they're actually the big cheese.

Anyways, Friday of last week is what I really want to talk about. If you've been reading this blog then you probably already know all about how I was initially hired by my radio station to be part of a morning show. Then, about 14 months ago, the guy doing middays quit to manage his wife's WNBA career (yes, she's that bad ass...Olympic gold medalist...the whole nine yeards) so I feel like I kind of got bullied into doing it...for free...meaning that I took on extra duties - which someone else was getting paid a full-time salary for doing - and got nothing in return.

At the time, I felt like it was more important to secure my position at the station than to fight about having to do an extra daily shift. Afterall, I was the newest on staff, I was the youngest AND I was the only female on-air personality. I was told at the time, by my boss, that there was NO ROOM in the budget for a raise...that I could either do the extra work for no extra pay and be safe from "the chopping block" if cuts came around or I could refuse and be the first person he'd have to eliminate if he had to get rid of someone.

Our morning show is 5:45 a.m. until 10:00 a.m. and the midday shift was 10:00 a.m. until 2:00 p.m. That's 8 hours and 15 minutes on the air everyday Monday through Friday which doesn't include the fact that I do all of the morning show website work as well. Keep in mind also that I arrive every morning prior to the 5:45 start time...normally around 5:15-5:30. Listen, I know it's not back-breaking physical labor...but it is a long time to sit confined in a little room...responsible for doing quality work for, what should be, two full-time positions. Oh wait, I take that back - I was allowed to voicetrack my show from 1:00 until 2:00 everyday...a whole hour I was excused from. Did I mention that NOBODY else on the staff EVER had to do double daily airshifts AND they made me work a few 5 hours Saturday shifts as well?

Well as much as I just complained about it, I'm not stupid. I accepted the midday show...a bit begrudgingly...because I felt like I wasn't being fairly compensated for doing two full-time airshifts for one salary...but what else could I do? Come to work everyday wondering if that would be the day they'd let me go? I felt like I had to prove that not only could I do it, but that I could do it well...take the midday show to #1 and be able to say, "I carried this station with my numbers because I'm good. I never got paid a dime for it." Now granted, they did offer me a bonus structure for my midday show, but I always saw that as a reward for the results...not payment for the actual work that was being done.

Not to mention, that over the summer my show was the only daypart on the station that was #1. I beat the morning show. I beat the afternoon show AND I beat the night show. Did I get my bonus for it? No. Because the contract they re-drafted for me which included my new responsibilites as a morning show co-host and midday host excluded the summer numbers. Let me break this down for you...the midday show was the only #1 rated daypart on the entire radio station and I didn't even get my bonus for it...so I did it, absolutely free and got absolutely nothing in return.

Please pardon the "diva tone" I'm using here. But facts are facts. I was their work horse. I did a good job. I stepped up (even if I only did it because I felt like I had to) and I did it well.

So what happened on Friday?

Well, my boss came in told me that he was taking me off middays. He tried to spin it like this was a good thing for me and you're probably thinking the same thing. If I wasn't getting paid for it and all I've done in this post is complain about the lack of compensation...then why would I possibly be upset that he would take me off the show?

Here's why. Remember when I was told that there was no money in the budget and that there just simply wasn't anything they could give me so I'd HAVE to do it for free...but if I didn't, I'd probably get cut from the staff? Well, the reason they took me off middays is so that someone else could do it...someone who's getting paid a FULL-TIME SALARY TO DO IT. Yes, you heard me correctly. The person who did middays before me got paid a full-time salary and the person who took over my show today is getting paid a full-time salary. Did I mention, that both of the people who came before and after me were/are getting paid FULL-TIME SALARIES to do what I was doing for free...getting #1 ratings for...for 14 months??????????????

Now, you might be asking yourself...that doesn't make any sense, why would your boss do that? Good question. I'll tell you why. It's because he had to make room on the staff for his ass-kissing friend. That guy got put on the night show (with a full-time salary)...the old night guy moved to afternoons...the old afternoon guy got moved to middays...and I got bumped back to just the morning show. But wait, I thought that there was no money in the budget to give me anything...and now there's an entirely new full-time position on our staff...who's paying that salary? If there was no money in the budget, then how is this new guy getting paid?

Oh that's right, it's because I was being lied to.

And even if they cut other people's salaries to be able to afford a new position on our staff, then it still doesn't make sense that they'd pull me off a show that I've excelled at...a show that I've invested a lot in and energy in...a show that they could still pay me to do for less than they're paying my replacement. Or am I crazy?

I feel like I just got used for the past 14 months. And as soon as my boss' friend needed a job, all of a sudden we needed to "reshuffle the deck." Please don't insult my intelligence. You forced me to do something I didn't want to do by threatening me with my job...leaving me no choice...and as soon as you waned to make room on the staff for your buddy...the one who has outperformed everybody else on the station is the one who has to give up her show, give up her midday bonus and go back to being the "low man on the totem pole." I got pushed aside without so much as a "thank you for stepping up to the plate." No "job well-done." No "we appreciate you being a team-player." Nothing.

When I told my boss, "My primary concern is that, per our conversation 14 months ago when you told me that I'd likely be the one losing my job when budget cuts came around unless I did both shifts for no extra pay, without middays I'm now vulnerable again. I mean, it goes without saying that I'm less valuable now." In response, he had the gall to look me in the eye and say, "Well that was a different time." BULLSHIT. You used me. End of discussion. Throw a period on the end of that sentence and let's call it a day. Period.

Does anybody else see this from my perspective? Am I the crazy one?

My lawyer friend said that I have a discrimination lawsuit on my hands. He also said that I could go after my company for breach of contract since, technically, my contract is for mornings and middays...but really, what would that accomplish? They'd just throw me back on the middays for no extra pay and I'd still feel like I was getting the raw end of the deal. I don't want to sue anyone. It's not even so much about the money (although I know that's what it probably sounds like it's solely about)...because it's also about the principle too. I just don't think you should be allowed to treat people that way. I don't think you should be able to bully someone into doing something and then take it away from them, spinning the story to make it sound good so that I'll say, "Oh ok...thank you so much for relieving me of the midday show."

One of the things I've noticed about my boss is that he always figures out a way to decide he's going to screw someone over...but then spin the story in such a way so that people don't realize what's really happening. I'm smarter than that. Please don't waste your time insulting my intelligence. I recognize an agenda from a mile away. Your friend needed a job, so everyone got moved around and I got screwed. If that wasn't the case then why not just switch the afternoon and night guys...I mean, if it was really about "reshuffling the deck" like he implied...putting the stronger personality in afternoon drive...then leave me out of it. But no, sadly this wasn't about what's best for our station. At least, not from where I stand.

If you're still reading this by now then let me just say WOW. I can't believe you made it this far. I just had to get all of that off my chest because it's been bothering me. And I have no one to talk to about it all. My parents don't really "get" the way things work in radio. My coworkers are the absolute worst people I could ever confide in and honestly, it just takes so much energy to try to explain it verbally that it helps me to write it all down...get it all out...purge it.

It's ok. I keep telling myself, "I'll be home soon. I'll be home soon."

I feel like I could keep writing...I could talk about my friend Rebecca's wedding how she's asked me to be the Maid of Honor...in North Carolina...six months from now. That's a little overwhelming but I'm glad to do it. I could also go into more detail about our family vacation to Alaska coming up in June (one month after the wedding) and how I'll be using almost all of my vacation time before the 4th of July next year...but I'll save that for another time. Not to mention, I'm suppoed to plan our 10 year High School reunion in N.C. next year because I was the senior class president but my schedule is just filling up too quickly.

The good news is, that if this blog survives into 2010 then I'll have plenty to tell you about when it all gets here. Until then, Happy Thanksgiving...be thankful that you don't work where I work.

There's a slug in my tub.

"Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall." ~Where the Heart Is

A couple of weeks ago when I heard about two job openings...one in Wilmington and one in Charlotte...I thought, "Surely this is meant to be." I want to move home. I've been in CA for about 5 years now, I've been almost everywhere there is to go and I've done almost everything there is to do...Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, the Muir Woods, San Francisco, Sausalito, Monterrey, Nappa, Sonoma, Santa Cruz, San Jose, Oakland, L.A., Vegas, San Diego, Mexico and a bunch of places in between. I used to spend my weekends taking off to a new town, a new tourist attraction, in search of discovery in the wild west. After a while, the trips became less and less frequent. The weekend adventures turned into house-cleaning, errand running, domestic duty obligations.

I don't need to live in Northern California to stay home and vacuum my living room. I can do that anywhere.

Anyways, two jobs...both in North Carolina. My parents live in Charlotte. My brother lives in Wilmington. My mom and dad went so far as to say they'd buy me a house if I moved home. That's a pretty enticing offer and it certainly sweetened the deal a little. I think they just really wanted a ready-made house/pet sitter for when they jet off to Europe, or they legitimately want me back in NC that badly...either way, Charlotte was my first choice. Not to mention, three of my really good friends from growing up live there now...two members of the posse and one of my college roommates.

Then there was Wilmington. The sleepy little town that I couldn't wait to move away from. I swore it was too small and restrictive...I needed much more space for my overstated, larger-than-life ideas to roam free. I lived in Wilmington from 3rd-8th grade and then moved about 15 miles north to a little town called Hampstead for highschool. I left that area when I was 18 so it's been 10 years since I've spent any significant amounts of time there. The idea of moving back made me a little apprehensive. It's changed so much Had the town I couldn't wait to escape from years ago forgotten about me as well? Still, I found excitement in the prospect of reconnecting with old friends, and making some new...rediscovering the place I called home once upon a time.

So needless to say, the stage was set. Two jobs in two places I could see myself living...two jobs doing what I know I'm good at doing. It seemed (almost) perfect, like it was divine timing intervening to lead me back east.

Now let me state my disclaimer for the record: I knew I wasn't guaranteed one of the jobs...I'm not owed anything nor do I think that just because I have family in NC, the two potential employers should look more favorably upon me...however...I really felt like at least one of them was going to pan out. Not to toot my own horn, but when it comes to radio I know what I'm doing. I've done mornings, middays, I've been a music director, news/traffic reporter, I know production, Selector, how to write compliance letters, can do PSA's, I get good numbers and as long as you don't make derogatory religious comments, I tend to get along with everyone.

Well, this has all been a lot of build up to letting you know that I didn't get either job. And to add insult to injury, I found out that I had been passed over for both jobs on the same day. Listen, the job in Charlotte went to a girl who is more than qualified to do the job. She's worked in Philadelphia (market #8) and Portland (market #23). Her name is Kelly, she starts November 30th and I'm sure she's great. I don't know these things because I've stalked her, by the way...it was published on All Access (a website for radio people). So the job in Charlotte, the one I really wanted, went to someone else...but at least I lost to someone who's good...scratch that...better than me. I can accept defeat when it comes by way of someone with more experience.

The job in Wilmington is the one that really stung; like a Portuguese Man o' War. The girl they put on the morning show is nothing short of the equivalent of 10,000 nails on a chalkboard plus ten nasal New Jersey crack whores in a verbal smackdown mixed with fog horns and a thousand alley cats in heat. Their show should now come with a warning: Caution, listening to this show will make your ears bleed. I mean, maybe she's not that bad...I just know that when I was home about a month ago for Greta's wedding I heard her do a live break from a club and I thought it was a joke. Now she's on the morning show. But she's 20-years-old and has blonde hair...shocker.

So no moving home for me...at least, not yet. I'm trying to look at the bright side, the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, I get to go see Twilight New Moon on Wednesday night, which doesn't open in theaters until Friday. That's kind of exciting...I guess.

Other than that, I can't think of much else to tell you besides that it's really cold this morning.

Also, there was a slug in my tub this morning.

Ayo Technology.

Here's something interesting. Our radio station is located in the middle of a concrete jungle. We're about 2 miles from downtown Sacramento and we're surrounded by other industrial establishments...Interstate Plastics...Dome Printing and Publishing...a junkyard...you get the idea. There are no farms. There are no pastures or areas conducive to raising farm animals. So of all of the random animals that could have shown up in our parking lot, and are subsequently now declaring it their turf...no, not a stray cat...not a rabbit...but a rooster and a hen.

This morning we had a stand-off.

The problem with having them in our parking lot is that they hover by our back door like, "let us in, bitches." At 4:45 in the morning when I'm half asleep and clumsily trying to find my way from my car to the door at work, I don't expect them to be blocking the door. Not only do they scare the shit out of me, but they are mean little fuckers and they make noise at me when I try to shoo them away.

It's probably our own faults. We feed them and give them water. We've evern built them a makeshift chicken coop out of a cardboard box and some hamster cage shavings. I can't help it...I have a bleeding heart for animals. Now they rule the roost...in fact, when I pulled in this morning I'm pretty sure I heard them listening to Run This Town by Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye. We've even named them. Cledus and Shirley. Cledus doesn't treat Shirley well but she's loyal to him.

Anyways...

A lot has happened in the past 3 and a half weeks. I mean, a lot. I guess I should back up a little to the week before my birthday. Now, I'm not trying to play the "woe is me" card because I realize that there comes a time when you (i.e. me) have to stop expecting people to make a big deal out of your (my) birthday. While I recognize that I am past the big "milestone" birthdays, I still expect a select few individuals to, at least, acknowledge when it is. In Northern California I have 4 good friends...these are people I hold to a higher standard than other people in my life. I understand that they all have their own lives and nobody is perfect...people forget things sometimes...that's fine. But the 4 people I am close with, I expect to remember.

I'll make a long story short and just tell you that 3 of the 4 close friends I have out here...forgot. That's 75% of my good friends. Nevermind the fact that social networks like Facebook make it virtually impossible to miss friends' birthdays. In fact, I had friends from middle school (who I haven't seen or talked to you in years) acknowledge that it was my birthday and went out of their way to "write something on my wall" which is a Facebook term for those of you living under a rock.

I'm not going to lie, it hurt my feelings.

I spent my 28th birthday (a Friday night) watching a Lifetime movie with my dogs. And somewhere in the midst of feeling sorry for myself and recognizing that I have no life...in between Part 1 and Part 2 of "The Two Mr. Kissel's" starring John Stamos...I decided that it's time to officially quit California. I've been thinking about it for a year now.

I've applied for two jobs in North Carolina and Friday I had a great conversation with potential employer #1. In just under 20 minutes he seemed to have definitively made up his mind about me (which is either a really, really good sign or a really, really bad sign). Potential employer #1 is a job in Wilmington, NC. I haven't lived in that area for 10 years now...going back would be strange, but that's where my brother and sister-in-law are so it might not be that bad.

Potential employer #2 is in Charlotte. I don't want to jinx myself by making assumptions about either of the possibilities so I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I also recently lost my cell phone. Not a good feeling when you don't have a home phone and your cell phone is your only means of communication. I dropped it in the parking lot at Trader Joe's...apparently...and some good samaritan gave it to a manager who then attempted to call every contact in my contacts. He finally got a hold of my friend Jenny in Seattle and she sent me a message on Facebook. Right before I was getting ready to go on a panic-stricken wild goose chase, trying to retrace my steps from the day before...I got an e-mail from Jenny that she had talked to the manager at Trader Joe's and he informed her my phone was waiting safely at their store for me to come pick it up.

Whew. The power of technology. I could have spent all day scavenger hunting my way around Sacramento looking for my phone...but one Facebook message and the problem was solved! Amazing.

Not so much.

My birthday is one week from today. I'm normally really excited about birthdays but not so much this year. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to look forward to and things are good...generally speaking...it's just the thought of turning 28 and not being anywhere near where I thought I'd be. I mean, I always assumed that sometime between 28 and 30 I'd be starting to think about having kids and starting a family. I know it's nothing to panic over and things will unfold for me exactly as they should...but still. Sometimes it's hard to find comfort in that which you have no control over.

In fact, if I'm being completely honest...sometimes I look at people with passionless marriages and unruly kids (people I know very well) and I think to myself, "thank God that's not me." I stopped at the mall the other day and as I got out of my car I locked eyes with a woman about my age (give or take a year). She was unloading a stroller from the trunk of her SUV and I could hear her kids screaming from the backseat...she looked at me like she was envious of me...like she couldn't remember the last time she was able to just get out of her car and go inside without the routine of loading and unloading a car full of kids and crap. I was relieved that I didn't have those "things" to worry about...and I felt bad for her.

On the other hand, I want what I think everyone ultimately wants...the handsome husband, a couple of crumb snatchers and a golden retriever. (It actually makes me laugh to admit that). Why is it funny? Am I that pessimistic? Or is it now that much of a stretch, the idea is almost comical? I'll have to think about that one for a while...

I'm starting to depress myself. Moving on.

I went home this past weekend for my friend's wedding. I know I was a little worried about going "home" and what it would be like. Besides the insane humidity (which apparently, I had completely forgotten about) I had a really good time...my hair, though...not so much. I managed to make it all around town in my sister-in-law's very expensive Mercedes without wrecking it AND I got to see a lot of my old friends. Oh, and how could I forget my run-in with the late great Michael Jackson (see picture below).

Anyways, today was picture day at work. Ugh. So you mean to tell me that I have to get up an hour earlier than the already-obscene time I normally get up to blow dry my hair and put on makeup? Oh, instead of 4:00 I'll just get up at 3:00...no problem...that'll be fun. Nevermind the fact that I was at the Jamie Foxx show until 11:00 (not by choice) last night. Am I having a great day so far? Not so much...

Celebrity Encounter at RDU

I am happy to report that Michael Jackson is alive and well at the Raleigh-Durham International Airport.

Homeward Bound

I'm heading to NC in three days. This will be the first time I've gone "home" in almost two years. I've been to my parents new house at Lake Wylie, but home home is Wilmington and I haven't been there since my brother got married in November of 2007. It's always strange for me to go back. It's changed a lot...there are new roads and buildings that weren't there when I was growing up. Sometimes I forget how to get from place to place and driving by the house I grew up in makes me sad. I don't know who lives there now...all I know is that they cut down the big tree outside of my bedroom window and took down my brother's old Carolina basketball goal. Generally it feels like the place I called home for so long, forgot about me a long time ago. This adds to an uncomfortable familiarity. I might drive by something that triggers a memory...the Amoco on College Rd. where Hannah and I would ride our bikes in 5th grade without our parents permission...Hugh McRae Park where my brother and I played on little league teams for years...the Bridge Tender where my friends and I went to dinner before prom when I was in the 10th grade.

Anyways, the point is that it's kinda weird for me to go back. But one of my really good friends is getting married there this weekend so I'm coming home. I'll be staying with my brother and his wife while in Wilmington. I know I don't talk about him all that much on here...we're not as close as we used to be. He's married and I live in California. Life gets busy and thus, we've kinda drifted apart. My brother lives in a neighborhood called Landfall. It's very pretentious and there are all kinds of rules. Last time I tried to go to his house I got stopped by the guard at the gate and he wouldn't let me in because I didn't have a visitor's pass. Whatever.

My brother used to own a bar in Wilmington called The Dirty Martini...of all his business ventures, the Dirty was my favorite because I could take my friends there and we'd all get free drinks all night long. It made me feel like a pimp. He sold the bar a few years back. He and his business partner Tom Reeves also owned a restaurant called Salty's. Now he owns a commerical real estate investment company. My brother is a pilot, entrepreneur, social guru, and (someday) politician...I'm guessing he'll be the mayor of Wilmington because it seems like he knows everyone. I call him the Donald Trump of our family.

My brother's wife is an ex-NFL cheerleader. Enough said.

And then there's me. The one with the inappropriate sense of humor who marches to the beat of her own drum and lives recklessly, with wild abandon. The one who throws up gang signs in pictures to be obnoxious (my mom does not approve) and wears flip flops almost every single day of the year (also something my mom does not approve of).

I don't know why I just went off on that tangent. I'm a little off today. Starbucks messed up my order this morning. I don't even remember why I started this post in the first place...probably just to talk about heading to Wilmington this weekend...and why it's weird for me. So we'll move on...

In other news, I have discovered the downside to living in a really old house...it is FREEZING cold in the mornings. I woke up yesterday morning and, no joke, it was probably 55 degrees in my house. My poor dogs had the coldest little noses.

I have to get back to work. That's all for today.