Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Here's what I know about relationships: they're not based on Adam Sandler movies. When they're over you don't get chased on to an airplane where your (almost) ex sings "Grow Old With You" over the intercom system. I think those romantic comedies should come with alternate endings...the real life version...where the girl goes to leave and asks the guy, "Are you gonna chase me?" and he replies coldly, "Probably not." Now that's an ending I can relate to and I know it's a pessimistic view, but 99% of the time things end for a reason; people don't suddenly realize that they just can't let that certain someone get away, showing up at the last possible second before it's too late. So most of the time couples break-up, go their separate ways and eventually let go of old feelings thus moving on to new relationships. It's real life.


Why am I talking about this?


Well, because I thought my last "real" relationship was over. I had gotten on the plane, it had pulled away from the gate and even though my eyes were roaming over the other passengers hoping to see him sitting a few rows away (guitar in hand, ready to play) he wasn't there. So I moved and then I moved on even though, at the time, I didn't want to.


Then, a little over a month ago, I got a phone call...out of the blue. It came, the apology I had been waiting a long time for. What's happened since then has been interesting. I don't think either of us knows exactly what we're doing. My friends and family seem to fall into three distinct categories. There are those who think I'm an idiot...making a huge mistake (my parents are in this group). There is a group in the middle who abide by the "proceed with caution" credo and the remaining are the romantics, they see this as God's will. I have mixed feelings.


Does it feel good to spend time with him again? Absolutely.


Are things different now? Yes.


Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Both.


Where do we go from here? I don't know.


Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Sometimes I think people might deserve a second chance. The rest of the time I try not to over-analyze this the way I do everything else in my life. But enough about relationship drama...


I don't think I ever posted pictures of my new toy. I bought a Ford Escape Hybrid because I can't deal with my little matchbox of a car anymore...even if it was the convertible I had dreamed about owning since the time I was a little girl.



This SUV makes me feel socially responsible...I love it.

What's wrong with me?

Mother's Day was yesterday. I called my mom when I woke up. It was 8:00 my time, 11:00 hers. I did it on purpose. I knew that calling before noon meant that my parents wouldn't be at my grandma's house yet and I wouldn't have to play the "pass the phone around to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day" game. It gets redundant. If I call early enough, I don't have to deal with all the aunts and cousins...breeders, who all have children and therefore, are all mothers. I also get to avoid the dreaded question, "When are you going to settle down and have a family?" Little do they know...

Lately I've been feeling stuck, restless. It's time to go again. I'm anxious, like I'm about to jump out of my skin. I've had irrational thoughts recently. Maybe I should quit my corporate job, give up my corporate salary and go to work as a flight attendant. Travel the world and live life out of a suitcase. If the pay weren't so bad, I might actually consider it. I looked up the salary averages for women who work as cabin crews...are you ready for this? According to what I saw, in your 20th year as a flight attendant for Delta you can expect to earn around $42,000. I make double that and I'm not even 30 yet. I'm not bragging, just stating a fact.

This is what makes my predicament so fascinating. If I'm willing to give up the paycheck, I can do anything I want. The irony of my situation is that I (very foolishly) believed that by the time I reached this point in my career I'd be on top of the world. I thought that if I worked hard and established myself I'd have potential employers throwing themselves mercilessly at my feet, begging me to come work for them. What was I thinking? That naivety couldn't have been further from the truth. In reality, companies don't want to pay for large(er) market talent. They'd rather promote from within...the intern who has worked for free for 2 years...or hire someone inexperienced who can be low-balled into taking a smaller salary. I get it. I'm happy for the ones getting their foot in the door, their "break."

I have to stop and ask myself: Where is all this coming from? Am I always going to be one of those women who can't settle or stay put in one place for too long? Or is it just a natural reaction to the natural progression of getting older? I'm coming up on 30. Maybe that's making me a little nuts. Or maybe there really is something missing. I have friends who are married with children and they don't seem to wrestle with this nonsense.

Anyways, my schedule is still hectic. I've gotten through my two trips to NC. Weddings are NOT my thing so it was painful...which is putting it nicely. I seem to be missing the "females love weddings" gene because I'd rather go get a pap smear than attend a wedding. I don't know why that is...like I said, I'm pretty sure there's something inherently wrong with me. That's the best explanation I can come up with.

I'm heading to Tahoe this weekend. Next weekend is my boss' wedding in Carmel. The weekend after that I'm committed to San Francisco. First weekend in June might be another trip to Tahoe with the ex...he has suddenly expressed an interest in trying to rekindle our relationship...I probably won't go. And then it's off to Alaska for 10 days.