Wish me luck.

Today was a good day...

I figured I'd start with something positive because when I go back and read my previous posts all I can think is, "Good God I whine a lot."

I don't think I ever did the brief summary of what life has been like back in sleepy little Charleston, SC since the beginning of the year. So here goes: New Year's came and went. Next thing I knew it was Valentine's Day. Right on the heels of VDay, came Easter...then mom's birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, mom and dad's anniversary, 4th of July and now my dad's birthday is right around the corner. In the midst of all this, I moved off the Isle of Palms and into a place near Daniel Island. That was the beginning of May. When I moved, I decided to redo my room. The picture you see is Orion the Hunter. I guess that's somewhat symbolic and represents my spot in life at the moment, although it hasn't brought me much luck in the bedroom so far.

You haven't missed anything big. My life is a series of early morning alarm clock rings...followed by stumbling around in the dark, cursing when I stub my toe, fumbling with the coffee maker, getting in and out of the shower, attempting to apply makeup and/or fix hair, walking the dogs and hitting the road by 4:30 a.m. Everyone thinks they'd like to have my job but the reality is far less glamorous than the fantasy. But there I go starting to whine again...

I did flex my creative muscles recently and decided to make a Youtube video in response to all of the marines asking celebrities to attend the Marine Corps Ball with them this year. I made a video of my own and it has kind of taken on a life of its own.



This is why I love what I do. Because I get to play with expensive cameras, recording equipment and just be me. What's interesting about this video, is that I've actually gotten several invitations to the ball. A bunch in Jacksonville, NC...a couple in D.C. and even one in Okinawa, Japan.

This past weekend I went to Wilmington (only for the second time since October) and spent time with my family. My brother was in Nicaragua so my parents and I stayed at his house. It was over the course of this weekend I realized my mom and I have the EXACT same nose. Only took me 30 years to see it.

Anyways, I've decided to start a new blog. This one will still be here but the "new blog" will be devoted almost entirely to a very specific cause. Curious? Check it out for yourself:

http://dateadj.blogspot.com/

Hopefully, those who read it will find it cute and funny...satirical but also somehow candid and honest. Wish me luck.

Hurry up.

There's no way I could catch you up on the last 6 or 7 months in one post. It's simply not possible. But I'm still here and still feeling very much the same. Most days, everything's fine. I'm generally happy, pretty much content and very much optimistic about the future.

But then there are those days...like today...where I wake up feeling lost, sad, uncertain, worried and filled with self-doubt. I'm not sure where this anxiety laden antsy-ness comes from. It's like an untapped energy source I have no control over. It decides when and where it wants to rear it's ugly head. I don't know how else to describe it except to say that it makes me feel like I'm about to jump out of my own skin. I want to get away but don't know where to go. I want to be someone else but have no clue who that person is. I want to scream but I open my mouth and nothing comes out. The good news is, these moments of intense distress seem to pass pretty quickly and then I'm back to my normal self.

I'm also busy. Very busy. I've never worked so hard for so little in my entire life. I knew that coming back home was going to be an adjustment. I knew it I'd be working more and earning less but I had no idea I'd struggle as much as I have...to survive...financially.

I can also positively tell you that I'm getting closer and closer to feeling ready to settle...not settle for just anything (or the first thing that comes along) but settle down...should the right person come along. I see it happening to the people around me. My single friends are dropping like flies. And I'm happy for them...for the most part. I want what they have, but I also know that having it comes at a price. That price, is called sacrifice. In the past I wasn't willing to give up anything in my life to have a life with someone else. Now I see things a little differently. Maybe that has come with maturity or maybe it's just being more realistic about what it takes to "make it work." It's not that I don't think you can have it all. I'm sure you can. But I'm not sure I want (or need) to have it all. Sounds depressing, I know. What I mean is that as I get older my wants and needs have started to change. I'm willing to give up a little in one department of my life to have more in another. Does that make sense?

Now it's just a matter of sitting quietly, patiently and gratefully for the right thing to come along. I wish it would hurry up.

Where did she go...

Where did she go? That little girl who thirsted for everything and wanted for nothing. Where did she run off to? Or did she abandon me long ago and I've been too wrapped up in everyday life to notice she's been gone for quite some time?

And if, in fact, she is gone where do I find her?

Should I try to lure her back with promises that she won't be neglected anymore? Or was she taken; preyed upon with malicious intent; stolen in the night while I slept (sans rest) in my bed.

If that doesn't work, maybe a missing persons poster.

LOST: Inner child who nourished my soul.
LAST SEEN: Can't remember.
If found, please call.
Reward offered on all legitimate leads.

To close out the year...

I woke up this morning and felt a mix of emotions. It's the end of one of the most tumultuous (not necessarily in a bad way) years of my entire life. Big changes. Bigger harsh realities. Biggest life lessons learned. I wouldn't trade any of it, but on some days I'm not quite sure how I survived it.

I know I need to thank my mom and dad for their consummate - although I'm sure it wasn't indubitable - support. I wouldn't have been able to tap into my inner prowess had it not been for knowing they'd stand behind me - even if everything went to hell in a handbasket. They took me in when I was an unemployed vagabond (literally) with no "plan B" and only softly strummed the guilt guitar when my tab really started adding up. I know I'll never, ever, ever be able to repay them monetarily or emotionally or verbally or otherwise for that which they have given me but I hope deep down they know that I adore them with all my heart. I'm forever grateful, indebted and in awe of their unwavering unconditional love.

Here are the rest of my wishes for the people (in no particular order) who matter most in the New Year:

AGS - My brother. Probably the most nonjudgmental person I've ever met, I don't know how you do it. Sometimes I can't even comprehend how it's possible for someone to remain so level-headed with all the madness that life brings. I don't think there's anything you couldn't handle or take on or accomplish...you're kind of like a superhero to me. Of all the people in the whole wide world, I feel like you get me and understand me the most (and like me despite it all). We don't talk every day (or every week) but you're always there - and I take great comfort in knowing that. I love you. May 2011 bring you what you deserve...nothing short of the absolute best.

SH (Y) - There are many miles between us now but we still talk like we see each other everyday. I'm so thankful I have you to call and text when things are either really good or really bad or somewhere in between. Whether it's a quick "Hi, how's your day going?" or "I really need to talk" you're my go-to confidant. I know 2010 was, at times, a rough year for you. I hope 2011 brings you more sunny days than gray skies...but should it not, you can stand under my umbrella =) I'm never more than a phone call away.

MBM - A baby is on the way and she'll be here soon! I can't believe we've been friends for 17 years. When did we get so old and grown up? Over the years we've kind of drifted in and out of each others peripherals (which tends to happen) but even as our lives have taken us in different directions, somehow we've managed to wind up closer now than we've been since middle school. The power of "the posse" is alive and well. I love that I've been able to grab your belly - as much as I'm sure you hate it - and spend time with the cutest peanut in the world - and experience Scarowinds - and be at your baby shower - and ring in the New Year with you tonight. My 2011 wish for you is (of course) to have a healthy, beautiful new baby to add to your already beautiful family. I also hope you experience as few sleepless nights in the coming months as little Sailor will allow and always remember that Aunt Megan is ready to teach your daughters how to drive - as soon as they turn 13.

GSM - You survived your first year of marriage in 2010. Well done. Then again, you snagged a good one. One of my favorite moments of this entire past year was driving you home from Blues, Brews and Barbecue. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my entire life (even if you don't remember all of the things you said). Loved our Christmas Eve talk at Target. It's now a tradition. You give so much of yourself to others, I hope that in 2011 you'll remember to take a little time out for yourself every once in a while. Don't worry, I'll remind you in case you forget. Stop. Slow down. Take a nap (I'll come take one with you).

HAAA - "The condor was a blockade runner, commanding the ship couldn't be more funner." I'm still holding out hope that someday we'll open our all-in-one doctor's office/pharmacy. We were really on to something when we came up with our 4th grade business plan for Fergusonville. Although, considering you're an engineer, who's relocating to Europe, and I'm a radio d.j. it doesn't look good for us. I could spend hours recounting my favorite memories with you: Shirley, Star Knopp, baby hamsters, TLC/Boyz II Men/MC Hammer, Mrs. Misenheimer, passing notes, we're not friends anymore, Vanessa Williams, Oogum Boogum, trampolines, fried bologna sandwiches...seriously, this could go on and on. My wish for you in 2011 is that you love your new life in Germany. I can't wait to come visit.

JMB - Your 2010 was full of ups and downs. Between your back surgery and car accident and job drama and breakup...you have an impenetrable optimism that is to be admired. I know you wonder why you've had to go through some of the things that have happened. I wish I had an answer (or explanation) that would make it all make sense. I'm going on the record, 2011 is going to be your year. Its got to be...no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Whether you wind up moving to Portland, going back to school, falling in love, or all (or none) of the above - I hope your 2011 roller coaster ride has more peaks than dips. Enjoy the ride while you're on it. Hold on tight when it gets bumpy and let go, throw your hands up and enjoy the view when you're on top.

TF - Good God do you have any idea how much I envy your ferocity? You attack everything in life boldly. You tell it like it is. You say what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. That trait alone is so hard to find in other people. And even when you're giving it to me straight, and let's be honest...the truth can be a tough pill to swallow...you do it with an articulation that remains unrivaled by anyone else in my life. My wish for you in 2011 is just to keep kicking ass and taking names. You're already so good at it that I can't imagine anything less for you. May you also continue to hone your craft and believe wholeheartedly in what you do and appreciate yourself for the Wonder Woman that you are.

JG - The Jew and the Catholic...the conservative and the liberal...we're about as opposite as two individuals can be. I always tell people you are the salt of the Earth. As I've said in the past, you're one of the few I would ever consider putting on a pedestal because I am confident that that's where you belong. You're so grounded, driven, full of big ideas and bigger dreams. You are firm in your faith and treat others with respect and compassion - even when you don't agree with them...and selfishly, I hope that 2011 brings you to Charleston so I can have you here...my concert buddy...and sushi companion...and all around inspiring presence.

TJ - One of the few people who knows exactly what I go through each and every day. There is no one else I can call when I have a professional question, problem, or issue I need to vent about. You get it. My wish for you in 2011 is, of course, continued success and stability (in a very unstable career). I hope you find what you're looking for in a partner, let go of that which is not worth your time - and never was - or perhaps, finally find the answers to the questions that have plagued you for many years. You deserve them. You need the truth, whatever it may be.

"Just" JG - Your mother. I'm glad you're here. You are neurotic and you drive me crazy...the pesky little brother I never had. But I know 2011 has big things in store for you. Who knows, maybe we'll finally get to collaborate. If not in the coming year, at some point. Do you think you could handle it? I would love to see you come into that $$$ and get those gigs and pursue some of the big dreams and side projects you have in the works (or simmering on the back burner).

DV - OPG forever and for always. I don't know how it's possible for someone to be as funny, smart, sensitive, kind and generous as you are. You're the triple threat of friends. Rock solid and as hard-to-come by as a bad Jack Handy quote. (There are so many good ones). I hope that now that I'm closer, we'll be able to spend more time together - which hasn't happened yet - but in 2011 my wish for you (and us) is to find a way to carve out a little piece, chunk, or section of our busy lives to devote to some one-on-one face (not Facebook) time.

HF - Girl, girl, girl. Sometimes I feel like we live the same life. I could write paragraphs about the unspoken bond you and I share and the inherent understanding that lies between us. But because it's so personal and deeply important to me, I'm going to keep this short and sweet. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman (and mom) and you have so much to offer. You are a lioness, ready to roar. In 2011, I want to hear you ROAR. I know you can. Show the rest of the world what you're capable of.

RM - If I know you as well as I think I do, I know you probably won't read this...and if you do, you probably won't realize that this is about you. But it is. Sometimes I'm not sure whether you mean what you say...but I want you to have everything you say you want in the coming year.

RH - Way to go jackass. Thank goodness I have unlimited texting. I'm not sure why some people come into our lives when they do...or why their presence makes such an impact. But in my life, yours has. Thanks for that. Sometimes we get to meet those rare people who, only after a couple of months, we feel like we've known forever. I love that you color outside the lines. I love that you look at things a little differently. And I'm going to miss you when you're gone. I hope that your transition in 2011 is a smooth one. I hope you make the best of what lies ahead of you and always remember that I rely on my "goodmorning sunshine" - it helps get me through the day.

To the rest of you reading this right now, I sincerely apologize if I forgot you specifically. I truly do have the most amazing friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. If I were to try to tell each and every one of you how important you are to me, I'd spend the next few years of my life taking inventory and trying to express those feeling adequately...even then, I probably couldn't do you all justice.

Here's to everyone in 2011.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.
May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may love fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Rapture.

People don't use the word "rapture" enough. It's such a great word and I never hear it used. Why is that? I'm bringing rapture back.

Christmas is officially less than a week away.

In less than two weeks (when 2011 arrives) I'll be starting the last few months of my 20's, as the dirty 30's creep closer and closer. I think there's something that happens to every woman - and perhaps person - when "milestone" birthdays start to loom. You start taking stock, comparing and contrasting your life against those of the people around you...you question, you second-guess, you panic, you simplify (or over-complicate) depending on what you're trying to accomplish in a mad-dash to beat the buzzer, you reflect, you worry, you plan (perhaps the most pointless of your endeavors) and you prepare for when the plans go in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted them to go. Whatever the inherent drive is, from wherever it derives, and whatever fuels it is starting to consume my every thought. I find myself in a constant state of madness, where random (and insane) ideas dart through my mind like a big game of pinball. They go ding, ding, ding...bump, di-di-di-ding...and I'm hitting the flappers as fast as I can to keep the ideas in motion so they don't fall through the black hole, the abysmal and abominable "game over" hole.

This, of course, can be quite overwhelming at times.

Lately I've been plagued with ideas about whether or not children are in the cards for me. I like kids but I don't feel that burning desire to be a mother...and if you're going to have them, shouldn't you really, really, really want them? Children change everything. I hate change. Am I too selfish to have kids? What happens if the window of opportunity closes and I regret (later) that I never had them? What if I do have them and then regret that I did it? There's no going back...it's a pretty permanent situation.

I don't blame you for thinking I'm crazy. I am crazy.

But sometimes I wake up on Sunday mornings and my mind is extra-full of neurotic notions and try as I may, there's no "turning it off."

Maybe I'll try to distract myself with a little Christmas shopping.

I just need a compass and a willing accomplice.

I'm ready to move again because I'm a runner...not in the literal sense...but when things don't go my way, I want to pack up and roll out. I just need a compass and a willing accomplice.

I've only been in SC for about 9 weeks but in that time I've managed to find myself in a sticky situation. It involves a boy, of course. Long story short, I invested, let my guard down, put myself out there (for the first time in a long time) and then got burned. He took me to his work Christmas party last night and then spent the entire time texting some other chick. WTF? Well of course once we left the party I let him know that I thought it was rude and the argument escalated and the next thing I know we're going our separate ways.

It's for the best. I know that.

Next.

I've had some exciting things happen recently too. I won the 11th annual celebrity chili cook-off to benefit the Charleston Animal Society. I didn't realize how big of a deal (and accomplishment) this was until I returned to work on Monday and people actually applauded for me. It was like a scene from The Office. Here's the video:




I also scored an endorsement from a clothing store in the area. Instead of paying me a talent fee, they're giving me free clothes. I went over there this past Tuesday and had my very own "Pretty Woman" experience. I spent five and a half hours trying on dresses, fur coats, shoes, jeans, etc. I had $1800 to spend and when it was all over I was somewhere in the $1550 range. I loaded bags upon bags into my car and came home happy as a clam. The Tory Burch boots are my favorite.


Christmas is officially less than two weeks away, which is blowing my mind. I'm ready to start a new year and try to find some sense of balance and contentedness in my life. I'm hoping it will magically appear in 2011.

Aston Martin Music

It's a cloudy and windy Tuesday night on the Isle of Palms. I'm sitting in my living room trying to decide what to have for dinner.

Just thought you should know.

Random thoughts for the night:

I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week.

I'm broke.

I want a new tattoo.

I need to start working out again, for real.

I would like to win the lottery.

Patti Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker makes my skin crawl.

There's nothing on TV tonight.

I wish I had a jacuzzi tub in my bathroom. If I did I'd be in it right now.

I need to get my South Carolina driver's license.

Did I mention that I'm broke?

I don't understand the Glee obsession.

Watching the Biggest Loser should motivate me...instead I want to dip Doritos in frosting and stuff my face when it's on. Why is that?

My fingers are sore because I started biting my nails again.

I think I have PMS.

Is it bedtime yet?

I like the song Aston Martin Music.

Boo.

So today is Halloween. I've been in Charleston almost a month. Am I still happy here? Kinda. Now before you roll your eyes and think "here we go again" let me try to explain this the best way I know how. Do I like my new job? Yes. Do I like living at the beach? Yes. Do I like being close to my friends and family? Yes. Then, what's the problem? (Sigh).

I don't know.

I don't know why it's never enough. I don't know why I don't know how to be content with anything in my life. I don't know why I'm always looking for something bigger, better, more exciting and/or more challenging.

I always want more.

I miss the life I had in CA (not the job) and I miss the paycheck I used to bring home. I miss the freedom and independence I had and I miss the promise of endless opportunities.

I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason I'm here right now. If I'm going to make a life here and figure out how all of this fits into the big picture, then I have to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda's. I know that.

Maybe what they say is true. The grass is always greener...or at least looks greener from a distance. When it's really just an illusion. The grass is all the same. But in the meantime, here I am on a Sunday night, sitting in my living room on Isle of Palms and I feel sad.

Happy Halloween. Boo.

Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes

Let me catch you up to speed because a lot has happened since I last checked in. Here's a blog I started almost a month ago...which helps to explain where I was and what I was thinking at the time:

Monday Sept. 20, 2010

Well, I made it home. I left my little house near downtown Sacramento on Sunday the 5^th. I drove to Salt Lake City and spent the night with TJ. We got up Monday morning (Labor Day) and had breakfast at a place in the mountains. In the early afternoon I picked my friend Rebecca up at the SLC airport and we drove the rest of the way across the United States until I landed in Lake Wylie, SC on Thursday afternoon, the 9^th.

So I’ve been here for 11 days. Suffice to say, it feels like a hurricane blew through my life and left a path of destruction in its wake. I’m searching through the ruins and remains, hoping to stumble across something that I can build off of. I can’t lie, I feel a little lost…well, actually…I feel a lot lost. I know I wasn’t happy in Sacramento. I know I wasn’t happy at my old station. But I’m not convinced this is the right place for me either.

All of my “stuff” is in my mom and dad’s basement. I stayed at their house for a week and a half and we all almost killed each other…things are still tense. They feel like I don’t appreciate everything they’ve done for me. They feel this way because for the past few days I’ve been kinda down…second guessing myself and my decision…feeling scared and overwhelmed…uncertain. I guess I haven’t been as happy and over-the-top as they think I should be. But see, I’m an internalizer. I think a lot and I hold it all in…I’m still processing everything that’s happened and I find myself becoming withdrawn because it’s just easier to keep myself quiet in times of chaos. That, and if people really knew the thoughts that ran through my head they’d think I was crazy…I find it better only to share those thoughts with people like myself who understand from whence they originate.

Yeah, so my parents and I are in the midst of one big misunderstanding right now. I don’t know how to make it better. Actually, I do know what I should be doing and saying to express my appreciation but acting has never been my forte. Could I fake it? Probably. It’s just not my style.

Anyways,

That's as far as I got. Things with my parents got a little tense towards the end. Luckily I was only home for a couple of weeks before an opportunity came along.

I was pretty convinced, upon moving home, that maybe radio just wasn't for me anymore. I didn't feel the passion for it that I had once been love-drunk with. But sometimes, just sometimes, you accidentally realize that it never left...it was there all along...it was just lying dormant...silent and undetectable...waiting for the right time to come back bigger, better and stronger than ever.

And that's what happened to me.

I got a call from someone I used to work for 6 years ago in Raleigh, NC. She told me about a radio station in Charleston, SC that was looking for some "fresh blood." This station needed someone young with a bold personality and even bolder ideas. In Sacramento, I felt stripped of having free reign over my creative freedom. I was told exactly what to do and say. It wasn't fun. And if you're the type of person who lives and breathes and thrives off of the ability to express yourself then you can see how that scenario would be less than appealing.

So I expressed an interest in the job my former boss told me about.

I came down on Friday, September 24th (just 4 days after I started the post above) and interviewed for the job. The interview lasted two and a half hours. I felt a warmer reception in the two and a half hours I was in that building than in the two and a half years I lived in Sacramento. After I had met with the higher-ups I went back to my hotel and got a call with an official offer about 5:30 that same afternoon.

I said yes.

I spent the next week traveling between Charlotte and Charleston, trying to find a place to live. I wanted to start my new job as soon as possible. I found a house on Isle of Palms (my station is actually located in Mt. Pleasant) and I now live directly across the street from the beach. I walk out my front door, cross Palm Blvd, and have my toes in the sand.

And the job is great too...actually, it's better than great.

I feel like I (somehow) found the perfect place...for me, at least. I may have not changed latitudes but I did change coasts to find real changes in attitudes.

That was a crazy game of poker.

So far today I have ripped all of my fake nails off and bitten my real nails down so low that my fingers throb with every stroke of this keyboard. I also went and saw Eat Pray Love. I took my dogs to the park...oh yeah...and I quit my job. I guess I should rewind to the night of the Rihanna show and explain what actually happened. I know I made reference to something "ridiculous" that went down. I think you could probably use that night as a jumping off point to understand what lead to my resignation today. Although technically I'd have to say that there are a series of events reaching all the way back to September of 2008 which, when added together, culminated in my departure.

There are people who will say I'm crazy. With the current economic climate and stalled job market, why would anyone choose to be unemployed right now? The simple answer I have is that my sanity isn't worth a paycheck.

I could launch into some self-righteous diatribe about the whole thing but what good would that do? The reasons behind the decision aren't as important as the future so I'll keep that to myself. I know why, that's all that matters.

I'm leaving California on Sunday.

I'll be back in NC by Friday.

Sometimes, in the poker game of life, you have to fold a good hand to win the tournament.

That Rihanna Reign Just Won't Let Up

Well I lied. I guess if you want to see my Alaska pictures you'll have to go check them out on my facebook page or something. I will, however, proudly post a picture of me and my new BFF...Rihanna...maybe you've heard of her? But I won't even launch into the story behind this picture because only T.J. will completely understand the true absurdity of it and she's already heard me lament about it over the phone.


Anyways, for those of you who thought I might have already gone back on the things I said in my last post, I assure you that that hasn't happened. I still firmly believe I did the right thing (in regards to the ex) and stand behind my decision 100%. In fact, I was down in Modesto earlier today hanging around my old stomping grounds for the afternoon and for the first time in years I didn't stop in to see him at work...or text him to let him know I'd be in town...or even think about him at all, really. Besides, it was a quick trip. I checked on my house, talked to my renters, dropped off a birthday present, hit a doctor's appointment and then drove straight back to the 916.

There's also a new boy in the picture. I won't spend too much time talking about him on here because I don't know yet how short-lived this is going to be...and if it only lasts a little while then I'm not going to waste too much energy thinking/obsessing over him...especially since I haven't heard from him since he left my house Saturday morning. Time will tell.

This weekend I really want to go to Lake Tahoe for the Rascal Flatts show but I'm committed to hosting and judging the State of California Karaoke Championships...try not to get too jealous. If anyone happens to be at the CA State Fair (Cal Expo) on Saturday, come find me. I'll be at the Promenade Stage starting at 10 a.m. Jesus help me.

Case closed.

I've been home from Alaska for exactly one week and I'm ready to go back. I never thought I'd love it as much as I did. It was more than a vacation for me. Something happened on the trip that I never saw coming. The funny thing about leaving your everyday life...breaking the routine, blocking out the noise and detaching from it all...is that sometimes you gain a new perspective on things that have bogged your down for months (or even years). It's like someone takes a Polaroid snapshot of your life, hands it to you as you're boarding the plane and somehow, someway, in the few days you're gone you're able to step out of the stillness of the picture and look at everything around you from a third party viewpoint. Things you never noticed before become painfully obvious. This probably isn't making any sense so I'll try to explain it a different way.

Up until the day I left for Alaska I was contemplating my future with my ex. We were spending a lot of time together...he still has all those same boyish qualities I found so appealing when I met him 5 years ago. Now, let me pause here and say that I realize some of you reading this know my ex personally and some of you know nothing about him. For the latter group, here's a little background info. My ex is a male model. A real one. He's one of the most (physically) beautiful human beings I've ever laid eyes on. I remember the night I met him. I couldn't believe that someone so insanely gorgeous was really just a big goof ball. And he was equally intrigued by me. I was this homegrown southern spitfire with a million flaws but an honesty about them all that he embraced regardless. We gravitated to one another with such force...I'm not sure if I'll ever feel that again...as it was electric. I can't say I fully believe in love at first sight but it was the closest I had ever been to something slightly resembling it...or at least, it was definitely a classic case of lust at first sight.

So when he came back into my life a couple of months ago and apologized and admitted that he fully regretted what happened between us...I found myself getting sucked right back into that dangerous vortex of attraction, comfort, familiarity, genuine feelings and of course...a dash of aphrodisia. For those of you who have never experienced it, believe me when I say that concupiscence can be more addicting than the most addictive drug.

Anyways, the day before I left for my trip he was texting me incessantly. He wanted to "get together" which meant he wanted to hook-up. I don't know why the urgency struck him right before I left. Maybe it was a hint of the "what if, by some minimal chance, she decides not to come back and goes straight home with her family" that got to him. Maybe it was the weeks of innocent flirting back and forth that had finally taken its toll and re-ignited the desire. Or maybe it was a combination of things...I'm not really sure. Here's what's interesting about all this. My old self would have given in and told him to come to Sacramento for the night. But the new me, who still had bags to pack and errands to run, told him he'd have to wait until I got back.

And I meant it.

I had been holding out for a couple months. Maybe it was finally time to give in and be with him again...just to see if it was the same...if it would feel the same. I knew it was dangerous. There were any number of outcomes that could have resulted from us "going there" but still, something inside me told me to make him wait. So I left on Thursday June 10th with the intention of revisiting my old "stomping grounds" when I got back from my trip.

But this is where the story gets really interesting. Somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (and about half-way through Eat, Pray, Love) I made one of the most definitive and final decisions of my entire life. I literally just knew that it was time to let him go, cut it off, release him (or both of us) from the unseen hook that had snagged us both by the cheek and was reeling us in towards a place neither of us really wanted to go. I can't even really put in to words what I experienced or why it happened or how I knew it was time...but I just knew. There's a passage in Eat, Pray, Love that says:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

And listen, I'm not one to read a profound statement and instantly start to shape and mold my entire life around it but those words spoke to me. My ex did change my life for the better (which some of you already know about). He helped me arrive at that perfect destination at that perfect time six months ago. He did his job, played his part, and he changed my life forever. But on my trip I realized it was time to say goodbye for good. Part of me will always love him. Part of me will always wonder about what our life together would have been like 30, 40, 50 years down the road. But an even bigger part of me got smacked in the face by the realization that a pivotal moment was on the horizon.

I came home exactly 7 days ago.

He was ready and waiting to take me up on my offer. You know, the "you'll have to wait until I get back" offer...

But I told him I couldn't go through with it.

I explained that our friendship and fondness of one another meant more to me than sex. And of course he didn't believe me. He used every trick in the book to convince me otherwise. I stood my ground. I said, "I'm not going to change my mind later tonight, or in a couple of days, or next week...or six months from now. We have to let each other live our separate lives now. I'm serious."

Case closed.

He hasn't spoken to me since Tuesday. We've gone longer without communicating in the past but this time it's different. This time I dictated the terms of "us" and this time (instead of always giving in to him) I spoke with authority and a power I haven't unleashed in a long time.

And it felt really fucking good.

PS - I will post Alaska pictures tomorrow, I promise.

Kiss My Couture

I spent my weekend preparing for my upcoming trip to Alaska. Yesterday was supposed to be all about picking up a few necessities to take with me. Today was all about returning the $600 worth of clothes I bought yesterday (none of which could be classified as necessary). I'm not usually a buy-and-return kind of shopper but apparently my body was temporarily possessed by some kind of shopping demon...or something...I don't know...I don't really remember. It was all such a blur. I think I vaguely recall floating from store to store splurging with the uninhibited spirit of high school seniors on prom night.

In any event, I woke up this morning in a panic. I got dressed and was literally standing outside the entrance to Nordstrom at 10:55 a.m. waiting for them to open at 11:00. In my state of delusion yesterday I purchased a $220 Juicy velor track suit that said Kiss My Couture on the ass of the pants, a pair of $190 True Religion jeans, an $80 pair of Vivienne Tam leggings and a couple of shirts. Let's start with the Juicy outfit. It was hot pink. I am a 28 year old woman who is entirely too old to be wearing a hot pink velor track suit with Kiss My Couture written across the ass...I know this. It looked like the kind of ensemble you'd see on one of the Jersey Shore cast members. It was loud, gaudy, and made me look like I was trying to pass (unsuccessfully) for 17 again. I returned it. I also returned the shirts and $80 leggings. Yes, you read and heard me correctly...EIGHTY DOLLARS FOR LEGGINGS!?!?!?

The only thing I kept was the pair of jeans because a girl, no matter how old, can never let a good pair of jeans go. And these jeans, somehow, someway, make my ass look like I've never seen it before...award-winning.

Anyways, after I returned all of my mistakes from yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to get a book. I figured I might need a little escape. I love my family more than anything in the world, but 10 days with them could very well be the death of me. When I walked into the store I was immediately approached by a very ice looking guy. "Excuse me, do you have a minute?" he asked. I should have politely shrugged him off but he was cute. He was selling some new Kindle-like device which I had absolutely no interest in but like I said, he was cute. So I listened to his sales pitch and wasted a good 15 minutes doing that while I was thinking about what I'd like to read on my vacation. I had almost decided on The Carrie Diaries - the prequel to the Sex and the City franchise before I realized that that book is sold in the "Teen Reading" section next to the vampire books. I just couldn't, not after the near-disaster I had just avoided with the Juicy velor track suit purchasing incident.

So I went with Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I know it's over-hyped and I'm a couple of years late to the party but better late than never, I guess.

The only thing I really need to do now is get a better memory card for my camera so I can take lots of pictures.

Oh, and in case you were wondering. Yes, I am still hanging out with my ex. And yes, I am still undecided about whether or not I'm making a huge mistake. We went to the Tim McGraw concert together last weekend and the strangest part about being around him now is that it feels like we've started all over again...back to where we were 5 years ago. We don't kiss, we don't hook up, we don't sleep together...but he has let me know that all of those options are available should I so choose. And choosing not to has been difficult because I'm still more attracted to him than I have been to anyone else I've ever met. However, the innocence of our interactions is kind of nice. It's not complicated or messy. And I know that as soon as I allow myself to wander into that gray area again I'm in trouble...so for now, we remain two people who used to share our lives together...two people who haven't completely let go...but don't really know what we're holding on to. And I guess that's ok...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Here's what I know about relationships: they're not based on Adam Sandler movies. When they're over you don't get chased on to an airplane where your (almost) ex sings "Grow Old With You" over the intercom system. I think those romantic comedies should come with alternate endings...the real life version...where the girl goes to leave and asks the guy, "Are you gonna chase me?" and he replies coldly, "Probably not." Now that's an ending I can relate to and I know it's a pessimistic view, but 99% of the time things end for a reason; people don't suddenly realize that they just can't let that certain someone get away, showing up at the last possible second before it's too late. So most of the time couples break-up, go their separate ways and eventually let go of old feelings thus moving on to new relationships. It's real life.


Why am I talking about this?


Well, because I thought my last "real" relationship was over. I had gotten on the plane, it had pulled away from the gate and even though my eyes were roaming over the other passengers hoping to see him sitting a few rows away (guitar in hand, ready to play) he wasn't there. So I moved and then I moved on even though, at the time, I didn't want to.


Then, a little over a month ago, I got a phone call...out of the blue. It came, the apology I had been waiting a long time for. What's happened since then has been interesting. I don't think either of us knows exactly what we're doing. My friends and family seem to fall into three distinct categories. There are those who think I'm an idiot...making a huge mistake (my parents are in this group). There is a group in the middle who abide by the "proceed with caution" credo and the remaining are the romantics, they see this as God's will. I have mixed feelings.


Does it feel good to spend time with him again? Absolutely.


Are things different now? Yes.


Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Both.


Where do we go from here? I don't know.


Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Sometimes I think people might deserve a second chance. The rest of the time I try not to over-analyze this the way I do everything else in my life. But enough about relationship drama...


I don't think I ever posted pictures of my new toy. I bought a Ford Escape Hybrid because I can't deal with my little matchbox of a car anymore...even if it was the convertible I had dreamed about owning since the time I was a little girl.



This SUV makes me feel socially responsible...I love it.

What's wrong with me?

Mother's Day was yesterday. I called my mom when I woke up. It was 8:00 my time, 11:00 hers. I did it on purpose. I knew that calling before noon meant that my parents wouldn't be at my grandma's house yet and I wouldn't have to play the "pass the phone around to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day" game. It gets redundant. If I call early enough, I don't have to deal with all the aunts and cousins...breeders, who all have children and therefore, are all mothers. I also get to avoid the dreaded question, "When are you going to settle down and have a family?" Little do they know...

Lately I've been feeling stuck, restless. It's time to go again. I'm anxious, like I'm about to jump out of my skin. I've had irrational thoughts recently. Maybe I should quit my corporate job, give up my corporate salary and go to work as a flight attendant. Travel the world and live life out of a suitcase. If the pay weren't so bad, I might actually consider it. I looked up the salary averages for women who work as cabin crews...are you ready for this? According to what I saw, in your 20th year as a flight attendant for Delta you can expect to earn around $42,000. I make double that and I'm not even 30 yet. I'm not bragging, just stating a fact.

This is what makes my predicament so fascinating. If I'm willing to give up the paycheck, I can do anything I want. The irony of my situation is that I (very foolishly) believed that by the time I reached this point in my career I'd be on top of the world. I thought that if I worked hard and established myself I'd have potential employers throwing themselves mercilessly at my feet, begging me to come work for them. What was I thinking? That naivety couldn't have been further from the truth. In reality, companies don't want to pay for large(er) market talent. They'd rather promote from within...the intern who has worked for free for 2 years...or hire someone inexperienced who can be low-balled into taking a smaller salary. I get it. I'm happy for the ones getting their foot in the door, their "break."

I have to stop and ask myself: Where is all this coming from? Am I always going to be one of those women who can't settle or stay put in one place for too long? Or is it just a natural reaction to the natural progression of getting older? I'm coming up on 30. Maybe that's making me a little nuts. Or maybe there really is something missing. I have friends who are married with children and they don't seem to wrestle with this nonsense.

Anyways, my schedule is still hectic. I've gotten through my two trips to NC. Weddings are NOT my thing so it was painful...which is putting it nicely. I seem to be missing the "females love weddings" gene because I'd rather go get a pap smear than attend a wedding. I don't know why that is...like I said, I'm pretty sure there's something inherently wrong with me. That's the best explanation I can come up with.

I'm heading to Tahoe this weekend. Next weekend is my boss' wedding in Carmel. The weekend after that I'm committed to San Francisco. First weekend in June might be another trip to Tahoe with the ex...he has suddenly expressed an interest in trying to rekindle our relationship...I probably won't go. And then it's off to Alaska for 10 days.

New Developments

Here we are, almost half way through March. Interesting. Things got a little hectic there for a minute which is why I haven't checked in. The good news is that now I have a lot to talk about:

I'm back to doing mornings and middays at work. This time I got a 20% salary increase.

My brother and sister-in-law flew out here and we spent a few days at Lake Tahoe.

I got swine flu.

AND...

The roommate from hell.

1). WORK - New developments have occurred. Last time I did mornings and middays, I wasn't given a choice. I was told, "You have to do this or your job is probably at risk." I didn't get paid any extra for doing double the work and it left a bad taste in my mouth. On a lighter note, I took the show to #1 in the ratings and did enjoy my extra bonus money. Then one day they came to me and said I was being pulled off middays (which I suspect is because my boss needed to make room on the staff for his friend). Fine. I wasn't getting compensated for the extra work anyways so I might as well go back to doing one show. Well, the person who took over middays tanked it and as of right now, the show is in 8th place. So about two and a half weeks ago my boss came to me and this time (unlike last) made an official offer for me to return to the show I worked hard to build up last year. This time there's a better bonus structure and a pretty significant raise involved. I gladly accepted.

Anyways, as with any job there are reasons why I love what I do and there are reasons I hate it. Let's start with the positive. My job makes me laugh almost everyday. Our stunt guy had to go out promoting the new movie "Our Family Wedding" and we had him dress up like a bride.

Ridiculous.

On the flip side, I work with some of the biggest jackasses in the entire world. There's something about being on the radio that causes inflated egos and "dirty old man" syndrome. Case in point: my boss' friend...the one who was brought on to our staff when he got fired from his last station. He's almost 40, thinks he's 19. The other day I found this while looking for our station contact list because I needed to call my engineer with a transmitter question. I was flipping through a binder when I came across this little gem:

Now, there might be another explanation for this...but I can't think of what it might be. My best guess is that this tool decided to sit down and make a list of his sexual conquests for the week. Keep in mind he's almost 40 and these girls are probably in their early 20's. After I took a second to process what I was looking at, I had to take a picture of it because I doubt anyone would believe me if I tried to describe the list without proof. He thinks he's funny, he thinks he's smart and he thinks he's hot...none of which are words I'd ever use to describe him.

I think it's sad, pathetic and disgusting. I wish I could record some of the things he says. At least he's my friend on Facebook so I can read his status updates, roll my eyes and sigh out of sheer repulsion. It makes my stomach turn that this idiot is one of my peer's. He's the type of person who gives our profession such an obnoxious reputation.

2). TAHOE - Can I just say that Lake Tahoe is one of the most amazing places I've ever been? I love it there so much I can't stand it. If I do wind up moving back to the east coast, I will miss random weekends at LT. My brother and sister-in-law were here so we got a place for a couple of nights. They wanted to ski and I'm more of an extreme snow boarder...not...but I do like walking around, gambling, snow mobiling, and hanging out. It was gorgeous!


3). SWINE FLU - let me preface this by saying that I was never actually tested or diagnosed with H1N1 but I was put on Tamiflu which is what they prescribe to treat the swine. I thought I was dying. I hadn't been that sick in SO LONG. It happened the week before my brother flew out. I had to take a few days off work. I was given a sars mask and told to stay out of the general population and even now, over a week later, I still feel pretty bad. It's that last little part of a cold/flu that seem to linger forever.

And finally...

4). THE ROOMMATE FROM HELL - I don't have the time nor the energy to launch into this story right now. It'll have to wait until next time...but I promise it's good.

Who knows...

Here's a question: where did January go? New Year's felt like it was yesterday. I literally woke up this morning and thought, "Holly shit...it's February?"

First up, the new bedding. I call the look "an introduction of color" as I've only really ever had warm, neutral, earthy tones in my room. This is definitely different...for me, anyways.

Next up, I bought my two tickets to N.C. for April and May to go home for Rebecca's wedding. I was hoping to be living in Charlotte by that time but I couldn't risk waiting too long (to see which coast I'd be on) and paying out the yin yang if I'm still in California. I also booked my trip to Seattle for the Alaska trip in June. At first I was dreading 8 days in Alaska but people keep telling me it's going to be amazing. Plus, it's for my mom and dad's 60th birthdays AND their 34th wedding anniversary so as long as I'm hanging out with them I'm sure it'll be all good. I'm a little worried about my mom and sister-in-law though. They're not really the outdoorsy types and I don't know how much high-end shopping there is in Seward.

All I have to do is make it through the end of March and then I've got a really busy few months.

In the meantime, I decided to try my hand at indoor rock wall climbing. I joined a place called Pipeworks Climbing and Fitness and so far I really like it. I don't know if it will turn into a lifelong hobby or anything, but this year is about trying new things and clinging to my youth like it's going out of style.

And finally, I realized yesterday that you know your life is taking a turn for "uninteresting" when the highlight of your weekend is successfully making spaghetti squash for the first time...and then bragging about it to my friends like it was a real accomplishment. In a quest to hone my culinary skills I'm also thinking about signing up for a "French Country" cooking class. It's either that one or the "All Vegetarian" (not because I want to be a vegetarian but because I'd like to learn how to make vegetables less boring, in general).

Anyways, I'm at work right now...and in case you're wondering how that's going...well, it's ok. I have nothing major to complain about. Things have been going pretty well. I think my aversion to this job comes down to two main deterrents. The first being that I don't want to live in Sacramento anymore. I want to be closer to home. The second being a sense of social responsibility...which scolds and nags me every time I read a story on perezhilton.com and reminds me that I should be doing something of substance...something that actually makes a difference. Radio is fun but it's far from humanitarian. Perhaps my next career path will take me into the non-profit sector. Who knows...

Come what may...

Holy crap. It's almost halfway through January and I've definitely been neglecting my trusty friend here. It's been an incredibly busy year so far, and it just started so I'm excited that we're off to such an eventful couple of weeks.

I had surgery at the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a couple of days. My mom flew out and stayed with me for 6 days...and for those of you who know me (and my family) you know that that's a long time for me and my mom to be in each others company. I was worried we'd have a "Muir Wood incident" referring to the time she and my dad came out to visit and she screamed at me in the middle of the Muir Woods (in front of several terrified tourists). For such a petite woman, she can be pretty vicious. Anyways, all was well this time and I was relieved. She did tell me that I needed new bedding because my comforter was in "unacceptable" condition. Whatever. I have two dogs. They jump on my bed. It's not dirty, it's just a few years old. But she was right so I ordered new stuff. Pictures to follow shortly...

Work has been going extremely well...eerily well. After my surgery I took a week off work and my coworkers all seemed genuinely excited that I was back on Tuesday, even the ones I don't always get along with. I didn't quite know how to receive this at first...but decided to just enjoy it instead of suspiciously questioning their reaction to my return.

I feel optimistic about 2010 so far. I know this year is going to bring a lot of new adventures and I look forward to whatever comes my way. I realize this is a disappointing first post for the New Year...especially since I've been absent for a couple of weeks...but it's late and I've got to get to bed. Fear not, there will be plenty for me to talk about in the coming weeks - promise!

A Very Merry Christmas.

Well I know I said that I probably wasn't going to be doing too much more blogging before the end of the year but it's Christmas and I'm at work and nobody else is in the building and since there's no one to talk to, I wound up turning to the one place where I feel I can be myself and speak candidly about anything I feel like talking about.

I just got off the phone with my family. They're all gathered at my Uncle David's house in Sanford. My younger cousin just got engaged and upon hearing the news I was instantly relieved that I wasn't there to feel like the familial leper...the one pushing 30, single and living a like an untamed savage on the west coast. Even if that isn't their opinion of me, sometimes it's easier to assume that it is.



So far, I've thoroughly enjoyed my quiet Christmas. The only thing that really sucks is that everything is closed today. If I could go get a cup of coffee from Starbucks and hang out at home watching old movies all day, I'd be happy as a clam. Last night I saw "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time ever. My friend Jenny said that a lot of people cry upon watching it...but I didn't. It actually made me grateful for the life I have out here. Sure, I get homesick sometimes and sure I get lonely...but at the end of the day I can say that I did it. Poor Geroge Bailey. Even in his happy ending he never got to do all of the things he dreamed of.



Anyways, I brought my dogs to work with me because my IT guy still has my laptop (see last post) and as I'm sitting here I can tell they're starting to get antsy. I took a picture of Parker sitting in a chair across from me a few minutes ago and he might be hard to see against the purple chair...but I did find one thing particularly amusing.







Look at the magazine in front of him. I said, "Parker are those your homies?" and he cocked his head to the side like he understood. God, I love this dog.

Rock on.

Christmas in California is an interesting experience. Besides Christmas lights on palm trees, I've also noticed an over-abundance of Raider nation themed Christmas paraphernalia. Case in point, our studio decorations. Please notice all of the liquor bottles under the tree. Classy.


Well, this will probably be my last post of 2009. I finished out the year with a pleasant little trojan virus on my laptop so my IT guy has had my computer for about a week now. I figure I'll be lucky to have it back sometime in January.

Last week I made a trip to San Francisco to see some friends. We had dinner at The Cliff House and it was the best night I've had in a long time. Years from now when I've long left CA and have a normal life back home I'll remember the four of us sitting at our table overlooking the Pacific...laughing and talking. For a moment, it felt like a scene from a movie. Three radio dj's and a Capitol Records rep (just hours after learning of her promotion) sharing our work stories...a bitchy Katy Perry, meeting Janet Jackson, and groping Lenny Kravitz. If you're ever in San Francisco make sure you have dinner at The Cliff House...it's majestic.


This past weekend we did a charity event with Danny Glover. It was a Christmas dinner giveaway for struggling single-parent families in Northern California. My biceps were burning after slinging 16 pound frozen turkeys for three hours...of course that's the job I would get. Every time the frozen turkey bin started running low, I'd grab three or four (if I could carry that many) from the truck parked outside in to where they were being distributed...yeah, I broke a sweat but it was worth it.


And finally yesterday was our ugly holiday sweater party at work. And yes, I tied for best ugly sweater with one of my co-hosts. We each got Rock Band 2 Special Edition bundles and I almost cried I was so excited. The only problem is that I don't own a Play Station (which I definitely have to have to play my Rock Band on). Never fear, I'll track one down somehow and I will spend my Christmas on a world tour!

Rock on.