Case closed.

I've been home from Alaska for exactly one week and I'm ready to go back. I never thought I'd love it as much as I did. It was more than a vacation for me. Something happened on the trip that I never saw coming. The funny thing about leaving your everyday life...breaking the routine, blocking out the noise and detaching from it all...is that sometimes you gain a new perspective on things that have bogged your down for months (or even years). It's like someone takes a Polaroid snapshot of your life, hands it to you as you're boarding the plane and somehow, someway, in the few days you're gone you're able to step out of the stillness of the picture and look at everything around you from a third party viewpoint. Things you never noticed before become painfully obvious. This probably isn't making any sense so I'll try to explain it a different way.

Up until the day I left for Alaska I was contemplating my future with my ex. We were spending a lot of time together...he still has all those same boyish qualities I found so appealing when I met him 5 years ago. Now, let me pause here and say that I realize some of you reading this know my ex personally and some of you know nothing about him. For the latter group, here's a little background info. My ex is a male model. A real one. He's one of the most (physically) beautiful human beings I've ever laid eyes on. I remember the night I met him. I couldn't believe that someone so insanely gorgeous was really just a big goof ball. And he was equally intrigued by me. I was this homegrown southern spitfire with a million flaws but an honesty about them all that he embraced regardless. We gravitated to one another with such force...I'm not sure if I'll ever feel that again...as it was electric. I can't say I fully believe in love at first sight but it was the closest I had ever been to something slightly resembling it...or at least, it was definitely a classic case of lust at first sight.

So when he came back into my life a couple of months ago and apologized and admitted that he fully regretted what happened between us...I found myself getting sucked right back into that dangerous vortex of attraction, comfort, familiarity, genuine feelings and of course...a dash of aphrodisia. For those of you who have never experienced it, believe me when I say that concupiscence can be more addicting than the most addictive drug.

Anyways, the day before I left for my trip he was texting me incessantly. He wanted to "get together" which meant he wanted to hook-up. I don't know why the urgency struck him right before I left. Maybe it was a hint of the "what if, by some minimal chance, she decides not to come back and goes straight home with her family" that got to him. Maybe it was the weeks of innocent flirting back and forth that had finally taken its toll and re-ignited the desire. Or maybe it was a combination of things...I'm not really sure. Here's what's interesting about all this. My old self would have given in and told him to come to Sacramento for the night. But the new me, who still had bags to pack and errands to run, told him he'd have to wait until I got back.

And I meant it.

I had been holding out for a couple months. Maybe it was finally time to give in and be with him again...just to see if it was the same...if it would feel the same. I knew it was dangerous. There were any number of outcomes that could have resulted from us "going there" but still, something inside me told me to make him wait. So I left on Thursday June 10th with the intention of revisiting my old "stomping grounds" when I got back from my trip.

But this is where the story gets really interesting. Somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (and about half-way through Eat, Pray, Love) I made one of the most definitive and final decisions of my entire life. I literally just knew that it was time to let him go, cut it off, release him (or both of us) from the unseen hook that had snagged us both by the cheek and was reeling us in towards a place neither of us really wanted to go. I can't even really put in to words what I experienced or why it happened or how I knew it was time...but I just knew. There's a passage in Eat, Pray, Love that says:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

And listen, I'm not one to read a profound statement and instantly start to shape and mold my entire life around it but those words spoke to me. My ex did change my life for the better (which some of you already know about). He helped me arrive at that perfect destination at that perfect time six months ago. He did his job, played his part, and he changed my life forever. But on my trip I realized it was time to say goodbye for good. Part of me will always love him. Part of me will always wonder about what our life together would have been like 30, 40, 50 years down the road. But an even bigger part of me got smacked in the face by the realization that a pivotal moment was on the horizon.

I came home exactly 7 days ago.

He was ready and waiting to take me up on my offer. You know, the "you'll have to wait until I get back" offer...

But I told him I couldn't go through with it.

I explained that our friendship and fondness of one another meant more to me than sex. And of course he didn't believe me. He used every trick in the book to convince me otherwise. I stood my ground. I said, "I'm not going to change my mind later tonight, or in a couple of days, or next week...or six months from now. We have to let each other live our separate lives now. I'm serious."

Case closed.

He hasn't spoken to me since Tuesday. We've gone longer without communicating in the past but this time it's different. This time I dictated the terms of "us" and this time (instead of always giving in to him) I spoke with authority and a power I haven't unleashed in a long time.

And it felt really fucking good.

PS - I will post Alaska pictures tomorrow, I promise.