Rapture.

People don't use the word "rapture" enough. It's such a great word and I never hear it used. Why is that? I'm bringing rapture back.

Christmas is officially less than a week away.

In less than two weeks (when 2011 arrives) I'll be starting the last few months of my 20's, as the dirty 30's creep closer and closer. I think there's something that happens to every woman - and perhaps person - when "milestone" birthdays start to loom. You start taking stock, comparing and contrasting your life against those of the people around you...you question, you second-guess, you panic, you simplify (or over-complicate) depending on what you're trying to accomplish in a mad-dash to beat the buzzer, you reflect, you worry, you plan (perhaps the most pointless of your endeavors) and you prepare for when the plans go in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted them to go. Whatever the inherent drive is, from wherever it derives, and whatever fuels it is starting to consume my every thought. I find myself in a constant state of madness, where random (and insane) ideas dart through my mind like a big game of pinball. They go ding, ding, ding...bump, di-di-di-ding...and I'm hitting the flappers as fast as I can to keep the ideas in motion so they don't fall through the black hole, the abysmal and abominable "game over" hole.

This, of course, can be quite overwhelming at times.

Lately I've been plagued with ideas about whether or not children are in the cards for me. I like kids but I don't feel that burning desire to be a mother...and if you're going to have them, shouldn't you really, really, really want them? Children change everything. I hate change. Am I too selfish to have kids? What happens if the window of opportunity closes and I regret (later) that I never had them? What if I do have them and then regret that I did it? There's no going back...it's a pretty permanent situation.

I don't blame you for thinking I'm crazy. I am crazy.

But sometimes I wake up on Sunday mornings and my mind is extra-full of neurotic notions and try as I may, there's no "turning it off."

Maybe I'll try to distract myself with a little Christmas shopping.