This is insane! Really, really insane!

Just when I think my life can't possibly get any more crazy something like THIS (what I'm about to tell you) happens. Yesterday we had an in-studio with Katy Perry and before every interview, I try to do a little research...so as to avoid a run-in like the one I had with Jamie Kennedy. My Jamie Kennedy story is too long to go into right now but I will tell you this, it ended with me telling him that Punk'D was way better (and more successful) than the Jamie Kennedy Experiment, which is probably why people watched it and it didn't get cancelled the way his show did. I like to refer to that interview as the JK Smackdown. Whatever. He needed it.

Anyways, with Katy I was having to look a few things up to make sure I knew which Grammy category she was nominated for - it's Best Female Pop Vocal for I Kissed a Girl, in case you were wondering - stuff like that. I also had to think up of some new questions at the last minute because they sent over the list of off-limit-topics and of course, most of what I was going to ask her was on the list. No talking about Travis McCoy, no mentioning the Matrix cd on iTunes, etc...well, while I was doing my research I missed a call from an Unavailable number on my cell phone. After the interview I listened to the message and it was from the Public Defender's office in Washington DC.

Now, keep in mind...I got this call on my CELL PHONE. My heart stopped beating. My mind started racing. What the fuck have I done that I'm in trouble with the government for and an attorney is calling me on my cell phone for??? The message I got asked me to call them back and after a few moments of panic-stricken nail biting (see picture) .


BTW - My finger is sore today because I bit the nail so low. Anyways, when I called back the lady on the phone asked me to confirm that my roommate and I lived at 4239 Yadda Yadda Dr. I said yes and then asked if everything was ok. Keep in mind, she knew my name, my roommates name AND our exact address. She told me that everything was fine but that my roommate had been subpoenaed to testify in a hearing and she just needed to confirm our address.

After I got off the phone with her I sent a text to my roommate. I said, "Hey I just wanted to give you a heads up. I got a call from the public defender's office in DC and they wanted to confirm your/our address...everything ok?" She texted me right back with, "What did you tell them?" At that point, I knew something was up. I wrote her back, "They totally caught me off-guard...they knew our names and address so I said yes...that we lived there."

Then she called me.

Are you ready for what I'm going to tell you next? Hold on to your hats my friends...

She explained to me that she's in witness protection because she has to testify on behalf of the prosecution for a MURDER trial coming up in March. She explained to me the difference between federal witness protection (when you have to change your identity and cut-off all contact with people from your past) and just regular witness protection when the government pays for you to move somewhere and they help protect your identity so that if someone tries to look you up, they won't be able to find you...or at least, they'd have a hard time tracking you down. Unfortunately, my roommate just bought a car...they traced it to our address...then to my name on the lease...and then to my CELL PHONE number. How creepy is that? They aren't supposed to be able to find her but because she used her real name when she bought her car they traced her (through me) and now she said the District Attorney's office in DC might have to relocate her again. AND, to top it off, the public defender who is trying to prove the murderer's innocence (the person she is testifying against) knows where we live!

Someone upstairs must get a big kick out of putting me in awkward living situations. What am I supposed to do now? Seriously, what do I do? Part of me feels like she should have mentioned that she's in witness protection before she moved-in with me but then I guess that would kind of defeat the purpose of being a protected witness, right? Am I at risk? Am I in danger? Oh fuck me sideways with a wooden spoon! Don't get me wrong, I love her to death...she's a great roommate...but FUCK. What do I do? Nothing? Something? And if so, what?

Just when I thought I had gotten all of the psycho roommate situations out of my system! Not that she's psycho, but I mean the situation...it's kinda psycho. This is the kind of stuff you see in movies. And I've already survived one super duper crazy (like, mental) roommate...WTF?